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So many times, I have been called home. Home to my mother. Wrapped in her arms. Where ever my mom was, there was home. Cabinets and carpets, stair cases and windows, the items of homes, houses and buildings, but my home was in the elements of my mother’s very presence, her arms, her heart, her soul. When I moved back in with her, I moved in with my cats, boxes, my books, my grown up attitude of “this is just temporary until I’m on my feet again”. I almost felt the universe pulling me back, telling me to slow down, be quiet and just be, right here, right now with your mother. This is time you will need. There were nights, when my desire to be free and separate and back with my husband was so strong that I could not tolerate sitting on the couch with my mother, watching television. So simple, she wanted to watch a show with someone, her daughter. But you see, I was busy, doing the things a thirty year old does. I was finishing grad school, I was buying a house, I was displaying my independence right there in front of my mom while in contrast being so dependent upon her. So many mornings while at my mother’s that year she would give me a pair of pants, a jacket, stockings stuff she felt or thought I would like. Depending on my mood, my ability to allow myself to accept her love, I might take it or reject it with a snotty, “I don’t need that”. These are the thoughts, the memorys that threaten my peace right now. My normal day to day slights towards my mother. Our relationship was at times a painful one. So full of love it could be come frightnening.

Right befor my mom became ill-I moved back in with her for a year..while i finished grad school and transitioned to a new home in another state. At the time, it felt so...unusual. What I wouldn't do now to zoom back to that time and realize the gift I was given. Sarah

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Please be kind to yourself right now and don't let feelings of guilt creep in. The feelings you are having now are ones that we have all had after losing a loved one. We wonder if we could have been better, kinder, more understanding and loving with our loved ones. Just focus on the love and wonderful relationship that you and your mother shared for thirty years. Keep in mind that no relationships are completely flawless. I'm sure your mother loved you completely, with all her heart, as parents always do. Guilt is just one step of the grieving process and we all have gone through it. I'll be saying a prayer that you feel better.

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Big Hugs to ya Sarah!!

Remember you diod everything right. THere can be no "Guilt, or the Coulda, shoulda , woulda's" Tyhat and 5$ will get you a Starbucks. Your mom was so fortunate to have you in with her when you were there. If you need to, Just go outside some evening under the stars and talk to her. SHe can hear you and in her own way will answer you. I do this quite frequently with Deb and it always helps me out. Prayers and Hugs for strength and comfort.

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