Want to make him proud

[teriw]

Anyone else do this? When I'm faced with choices lately, I keep choosing the option that I think would make Bill the most proud of me -- which is always the "strong" option, of course. Not necessarily the "easy" option I might ordinarily choose, especially now. Bill never took the easy way, unless it was the best way.

Yesterday I volunteered to take responsibility of my church newsletter -- I thought, Bill will be proud of me. I decided NOT to chicken-out and go ahead and rent a car in the U.K. when I go next month with his ashes -- I can imagine Bill saying (assuming I don't cause a head-on collision), "You did it -- I told you you'd be fine!" Even little things, like just accepting invitations -- I think, "Bill would be happy I'm getting out." Does it make it easier? Probably not. But I seem to be getting a true sense of satisfaction and strength knowing he would be happy and proud of me (even though the thought brought me to tears yesterday). Maybe it makes me feel like we're still in this together and he's cheering me on, I don't know.

My faith is rock solid. I know where Bill is, but I can't say that I know he can see me. I love the idea of a Heavenly DVR, but that's pretty selfish on my part. As if he has nothing better to do than check what I'm eating for breakfast. Yet, somehow I have to believe that he at least gets the "headline news" of our lives. Am I nuts? Even if I am, it seems to help me maintain forward motion.

[RandyW]

I think Bill is always watching over you. Just like Deb is watching over me. THay are right above us and are always looking down on us and protecting us and keepping us safe. And if you ever need to talk to Bill, Just look up and talk to Him. Its gonna be all right.

[teriw]

Randy -- cute puppy!

I talk to him CONSTANTLY!

Hugs,

[lilyjohn]

I found myself doing the same thing after Johnny died. I had always been a weakling and unsure of myself. Johnny instilled a sense of self worth that gave me strength. After his death it was that strength that kept me going when there seemed to be nothing left for me. I could almost here him tell me that I could or should do certain things and how proud he was of me.

As for feeling him around you, never doubt that. I have had too much evidence to deny that they watch over us. One time when I was starting to put together some words that I got on my computer and thought was a message, I heard him say as clear as anything "Good job Mama".

Be glad and proud that you make decisions like that. I believe it is him guilding you so he knows that you will be alright on your own.

[Sis]

Teri,

Randy is right... They ARE watching over us. Sometimes I think I might be "reading into things", but I honestly believe that my sis is watching over me, just as she did when we were kids. Just from reading your posts, I know you're going to be all right. You're a very strong person, and Bill is smiling down on you. Keep that faith!! Ellie

[kamataca]

I know Bill is proud of you---we are, too. It's so amazing how you keep moving forward, even in your pain.

I'd like to think Mom gets the highlight reel of our days.

Kelly

[ztweb]

Awesome Teri! I love to hear that you are so strong. Don't forget to take care of yourself though too! Sometimes Bill would probably give a big smile at you, for being you and taking the easy way out too! Right?

I haven't really thought about the DVR, but then I have to say that I love the line about the major replays for him...Great way to put it!

Jen