Keeping on....

[kamataca]

Just checking in, after my last panicked post.

I have been able to start off the school year, mostly successfully. I do believe there is something to the "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy. I'm not emotionally where I should be at school, but I don't think it's adversely affecting the kids. We are following the Great Expectations program this year, which includs the idea of a "neck-up check-up" for the teacher. Am I smiling? Have I left my baggage where it belongs? Am I letting things I can't control, control me? All good questions for me right now.

I did go to a grief support group. It is very informal, with a religious background. It was helpful--due to scheduling I haven't been able to go back yet, but I intend to. I need to feel like I am doing something to move forward.

Your words of encouragement got me to that first day of school. I thank you all for that. Mom was the one I talked with everyday...the one I told everything to...Moms never get tired of hearing all of the blah-blah-blah, you know? It's been hard, with everything going on with DH's job, to not have that. It's not like I can tell him that I am scared to death about the changes. I mean, I could....but I don't want to put more pressure on him. I'm trying to branch out in talking more to others--I just feel like I don't want to 'burden' them...I never felt like I was burdening Mom.

OK...rambling here. Just wanted to thank you all for getting me through a tight spot, and let you know that I'm OK.

Kelly

[Treebywater]

Kelly--

I think you put into words here a lot of what I feel doing life without Mom every day.

And it makes me wonder if that's where part of my fear of 'being a burden' comes from lately. I used to have Mom that I could... you know, just always 'burden' without too much guilt. Now I still have the 'burdens' but not that outlet. What do I do with it all?

Anyway--thank you for helping me think through some of that.

I'm so glad that you're hanging in there with the beginning of school. I knew you would. Keep faking it til you're not anymore. That day will come.

[KatieB]

i so understand and I think these thoughts too...It is so deafening and lonely not having my mom to tell all these things to....I don't tell them to Rick or talk to him like I did her... (burden? maybe not, but you're right it sure feels that way)

There is just an unconditional love and feeling of security and safety with moms and just taking- even about nothing with her- made me feel like a better person, more sure of myself and my decisions. I love missys description of being an "adult without back-up".... I Do feel that way!

I hope you get back to that support group Kelly. I haven't been- but my son is in grief counseling and his Dr. constantly tries to pull me in on some one on one....

*Don't tell anyone but I have an appointment with him next week- just me, alone.

(((hugs and more hugs)))

[gail]

So, so glad to hear from you. Have been WONDERING how you were, especially since I've been in my own classroom preparing.

I have to tell you I almost choked when I read the "Great Expectations" component. Like we in education don't already do that--

Did you mention what you teach?

gail

[mary colleen]

Good for you, Kelly - you are giving even when you really need, and I'm sure the kids are better for you being there. Congratulations!

[Maryanne]

You are doing a great job with your emotions Kelly. Work always seems to work wonders.

I know exactly what you mean by telling your mom things you wouldn't tell others. Moms never criticize and the love to listen.

I am sure you still talk to her. I talk to my mom all the time. I miss her so. Especially when she always gave me support and love when I needed it most.

Good luck with your school year! I know you are a brillant teacher.

Hang strong!

Maryanne

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