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Spoked on Halloween

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Not sure why, and not even sure why I'm writing this down, but I have had the most creeping sense of trepidation lately about my husband's condition. It feels as if there are subtle changes in his overall well-being, but none of them are obvious red flags.

I wonder if it's just because I am deeply involved this week in switching him over to long term disablity (from short term in his private policy), as well as working on his application for SSDI, and doing all of the other business things I need to do to severe his financial ties with his employer....rolling the 401-K, finding a new health insurer, etc. All of the sudden, it feels as if we are not in some temporary bump in the road, but are actually approaching the end of a road.

He SEEMS relatively well, considering. However, every little thing (his back aching, a little extra fatigue, etc.) seems to be scary to me now. We have scans coming up in a couple of weeks, so maybe this is the dreaded "scanxiety"??

I think I've just spooked myself. I have to be very careful not to pass that onto him through my over-anxious reactions to things and excessive probing.

Well, I feel better having written it out. This too, shall pass, I guess.

Thanks all. MC

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This is a scary time. I'm not surprised you're spooked. Beginning SSDI, changing insurance...things like this make us take a new look at what has become our 'new normal.'

Speaking for myself, I got into caregiver mode. Chemo, scans, etc. just became a part of daily life. Then one day I would have to re-examine some part of lives and the reality would hit all over again. And it would scare the crap out of me.

Hoping that these transitions go smoothly for you.


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Hi Mary Colleen, Yes it is very scary. But it looks like his scans have been OK now that the brain tumor is gone.

He doesn't have any spots that you know of for sure, right? So now it is all in God's hands. We can only wait and watch and pray.

I remember signing POA and various papers... was pretty scary. But after a few days I felt better turning all responsibility over to the hubby's hands - like being a kid again.

Focus on how good it will feel to get good results back from those scans.



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Scary times for sure. Hopefully it will all go smoothly for you.

I understand what you're saying though. Most everything for me was ok. I just had the second most stressful experience - outside of the cancer DX- when I took this new job last month. Knowing that COl's medical coverage was going to run out, and needing to be 1,000% certain that she would be covered under my plan at my new job.

Without a doubt, the hardest thing for me to do outside of that was call her work after her short term disability was up and her leave gone. It was go back to work, or they had to open up her position. I undestood that completely and her employer was OVERLY HELPFULL, and frankly I wasn't thinking much about it. Until I dialed the phone. I had the most ridiculous surge of emotion. I could barely hold the phone, could hardly even think enough to say the nonsense that came out. Just the reality of it all setting in I guess.

That being said, where we are now they were just little bumps in the road. Now we're into our routine, cruzing through battling this stupid disease.

Hang in there, it will all work out.

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Yah, I am sure we all have our moments of fear that pop up every now and then. I was brooding about a persistent headache I have had, but I think it is prednisone related. You can get headaches when tapering down and mine can be mitigated with aspirin. I think such things are reasonable fears...oh well.

Don M

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Hi Mary,

With all of the paperwork you're filling out and your hubby's new employment status, it's a huge change. It's not surprising that it would have an impact, even though it might just seem "practical" on the outside. All of those things carry emotional responses. The fact that you're having to take care of them makes it difficult also.

Thinking of you,

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