Cancer is making me paranoid

[CLB]

Sorry - this got posted twice by accident and now I can't find the original post.

I guess I should say cancer is making me more paranoid than usual. I noticed last night that I have a bit of tight feeling in my chest and it is still there today. Right away I think - "Oh no.....is the cancer getting worse? Is this going to be bad?" I freak out abut everything any more. I went to ob/gyn this week since I haven't been there since before dx in 10/06. She sent me for some tests just to be sure that things are working ok since all the chemo and all - of course I am so nervous that she is going to call and tell me that I have some sort of ovarian or cervical cancer.

Then, I panic about things getting worse and leaving my son. I just sat here on the couch last night crying as I thought about how I want him to be able to remember me if things don't go so well, how I want to be here to be with him as he grows, goes to school, plays sports, etc. AHHHHHH

I guess I am just having a few of those really down days that come with this dx. Every little things sets me off crying - watching Jack play, run, swim, sleep, color........

Sorry to go on and on....just needed to vent and I knew a lot of you would totally understand.

[Patti B]

(((Colleen)))

I hear ya!!! I used to let all the aches and pains just slide off my back and now......geez, I drive myself crazy!!! Lately, my feet are horrendously swollen and the doc says its from the Alimta but of course I have convinced myself that my heart is screwed up and I'm gonna have a heart attack!!!

I know how you feel about your son. I just posted the other day about my feelings with him. Thats what tears me up inside the most. But - we WILL both make those graduations - and then some!!!

I guess it just comes with the territory and I really don't know if theres anything we can do to stop ourselves from feeling the way we do. Just know that you're not alone on this one!! Maybe we can all have cyber-therapy together with a big bottle of wine!!!

Hang in there, girl. I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs - Patti B.

[CLB]

Thanks Patti!!!! Even though it is nothing either of us want to be feeling, it does help to know that we are not alone in feeling this way. Every little thing anymore seems to set me off in tears....something new Jack learns, seeing him run around, watching him sleep. And there are the times when I freak out because I cough a little bit, or I get tired easily.

The best one was when I got all freaked out because my skin looked like it wasn't as broken out as usual from the Tarceva.....my onc., nuerosurgeon, and radiation doc all said that seeing the side effects are a good sign - must mean that the meds are working. So, of course I get upset when I don't see the rash. 2 years ago I would have been upset to see my face the way it is now.

Craziness - although I am luck to have my son who tells me that I am beautiful everyday. He is the best!!

You hang in there too!!!!

Col

[SandraL]

Hi Colleen. I have 2 children, 11 and 13..so not as young as yours. I think it must be tougher for you, mine are at least old enough to understand. Thinking about our kids is the worst. Know that you are not alone in being paranoid or in "wondering" about our children. Hang in there. A mom also,

Sandra

[Don M]

Hang in there Colleen.

Soon after I started tarceva, over 3 months ago, I had anxiety attacks and depression that descended on me out of the blue it seems. I never had such a problem in the 4+ years I have been dealing with this disease. It was to the point that I cared more about feeling good again than I did about having lung cancer. I went on xanax and 20 mg of lexapro a day. For over a month now, I have been mostly ok. I take 0.5 mg of xanax every evening about 45 minutes before supper. It seems to enhance my appetite and mutes down my shaky hands from the prednisone. I guess the chemical approach worked for me.

Don M

[AnneM]

Oh my, you are describing exactly what I have been going through lately too. My kids are young too, and I just want to be there for them, to see them grow, to be able to play with them. I go through cycles where I'm crying often, and then times when I'm very positive. But, we can do this Colleen. We will be there for our kids!

Anne

[Janet B]

The paranoia thing is very common I am afraid! Before my last scans I had such terrible back pain I was sure the cancer was back in my spine - after the results came back so good I spent the next two weeks thinking the doctor was lying to me because my back still hurt. I have never been a hypochondriac in my life - but I am now~

As far as panicking about our children - that is what makes us parents. My children are older - but they are still my babies and they are still the thing I worry most about. I need to be here for them, for graduations and weddings and grandbabies. I need to be there when they call me from the grocery store with a question or ask for a favorite recipe. And then sometimes that worry gets too much and I go into a deep funk - I have been in one all week - but then we have to pick ourselves up - get that positive attitude back on, say a few prayers - and fight, Fight, FIGHT to be there. We CAN do it - I have been praying for you and I will continue to pray for you -

Janet

p.s. - it is funny how we hope for things like a rash! I get all excited if I get diarrhea now because it means the Tarceva is doing something!

[CLB]

thanks everyone!!!!! i know none of us want to be feeling any of this, but at least we know that we all feeling similar things and we can come here for comfort. THANK YOU!!

Janet it is funny you said that about the Tarceva side effects.....I was so happy this afternoon when I had a bout of dirarreha too. I kept thinking - ok this is a sign that the Tarceva is working!! Hhahahahahahahah. too funny!