kamataca Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 Joining the "one year ago today" club. I was OK most of the day....then I sat at my students' graduation. Maybe it was just the first time I sat still all day, but I fought the tears. It's funny---my coworkers think I REALLY am misssing the students already. I couldn't correct them. I've posted before about my inability to dream about Mom. Both of my kids dream about her and talk to her in their dreams. I've told them to tell her hello for me. Last week I finally "saw" her in my own dream. Long story short, I grabbed both her hands, to hold on to her, and she told me it wasn't my fault. She said something else (bugging me now), but I was so focused on that, I only remember her saying it wasn't my fault. After watching a recent episode of Boston Legal, I guess I've debated my brothers and my decision with Mom's meds during hospice at the end. I need to be very clear that we did NOT purposely overdose her to put her out of her misery, but we agreed to give her the full 'legal' dose when we could, and not wait to see 'signs' of her being in distress (Mom couldn't communicate those last couple of days). I've wondered if we inadvertantly hastened her death...and how I would feel about it if I found out we did. At any rate...don't know if my subconscious was allowing me to forgive myself, or if Mom was slapping me upside the head for carrying this in my head, but I felt much lighter the next day. I'm not going to argue with it. I'd like to think she was telling me to let go of the guilt, and that she is OK. So, starting tomorrow I can't think, "last year at this time..." and have it include Mom. It is like something else has been taken from me. I wonder how much more can be taken....but at least the dream gave me something back. Peace to you all, Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbb Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 Kelly, I believe your mom really was contacting you. I don't think we can let them in when we are conscious. It is good she let you know it wasn't your fault. You were doing what you needed to do to keep her comfortable, I am sure she is thankful for that. A couple nights ago Rod came to me in a dream. We were sitting on the couch and he said it was time to put the urn away. It had been sitting on the hearth (and with my mess, I hardly noticed it most of the time. It is really neat, made by an employee of his out of steel). He said we should have just wrapped him up and shoved him out the back door!!!! Lacy said that sounded so like Dad He loved our acreage, loved being outside. It amuses me to think of the dream. Hoping for sweeter days for all of us. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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