CherylNJ Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 My dad was diagnosed one month ago today. In one month's time, things have gone from bad, to good, to worse. This is a roller coaster ride that I was in no way prepared for. I am an only child. I am the main bread winner in my household. I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful daughters ( ages 8 and 19). They have all been so supportive through this whole ordeal. I fear for how this is going to affect my girls. They are both incredibly close to my dad. After my divorce from my first husband, my oldest daughter and I lived with my parents for 3 years. Up until he got sick, they had a weekly lunch date that they never missed. My dad babysat my youngest from the time she was six weeks old up until she went to preschool and up until he got sick got her off the school bus and hung out with her until I got home from work ( my husband works the 1-9 shift). No child should ever have to deal with such loss. Raychel (my youngest) knows that he is sick, but does not know the extent of it. I had a conversation with the guidance counselor at her school so that they are aware of what's going on. Leigh knows the whole deal and is not dealing well. I am looking for a counseler for her to talk to because she won't open up to me. My mom finally admitted to me the other day that there is no way that she will able to care for dad alone when he comes home (I knew this, but needed her to make the descision). I am fully prepared to take on the major caregiver duties. I've been an EMT for over 20 years so medical stuff doesn't scare me. I am hoping that my job will let me work from home. I cannot afford to be without a paycheck. Dad is right now in the hospital on the oncology floor. There is so much death there. As of last night he has lost all bladder and bowel function. The tumor on his spine has almost eaten away all of his L4 vertebra and is pressing on all kinds of nerves. His pain is pretty well controlled. I just need to get through to him that he needs to ask for a pain pill when the pain starts, not when it becomes unbearable (he's a stubborn mule!) I'm having such a hard time being optimistic. I manage to hold it together for mom and dad and when I get home I melt down. I'm crying as I type this. Thanks for letting me vent. Even though I don't post much, this website has been a godsend. Cheryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caren Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 Hi Cheryl (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry to hear that your dad isn't doing so well. I have also been struggling with how and when to tell my children (who live with grandad) what is happening. I have told my eldest (13) everything and she seems to be coping very well. My boy (10) knows the illness but not the prognosis and the youngest (6) just thinks that grandad is 'poorly'. It's so hard to know what to say to children, isn't it? Even if, like in your case, your daughter is now a young lady. You don't want your children to hurt, who does? But at the same time, you don't want them to feel that you're excluding them from something important that is happening within their family unit. I hope that you all find peace with what is happening right now and I will be sending your dad lots of positive vibes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 Oh Cheryl, I am so sorry for the pain you are having to endure. When I found out I had advanced lung cancer, my first thought was of my daughter and oldest grandson who lived near us for the first six years of his life. There is just no answer for it. My son lost his grandfather (like your children gradually at first then dramatically for a long time before he died) to cancer. He's grown into a successful man with a lovely family but my husband and I still talk about the changes in him when his grandfather got ill. What I try to do is look at the traumas I experienced in life and what my children went through and remember that these life experience go into making up who we eventually become. Much of it in a good way. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 Cheryl, We have a lot in common, I'm also an only child, and have two girls close to the same age as yours. As an EMT you must have medical connections that will point you in the direction of a good hospice program for when your dad comes home. Don't wait, call them now and get them on board so they are prepared. They will help get his pain regulated and later they will provide grief support for your family. My youngest handled the loss of her dad pretty well because she talked about her feelings-- she didn't' keep them in. She talks about him a lot and that helps us all. Kids have a way of turning a sad moment around. As for your oldest, you're on the right track. I didn't seek help for my daughter and she is having a lot of problems now. I called a counselor yesterday and I hope that will help. I am sorry things progressed so fast. My thoughts are with you all. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 So sorry for all you are going through... I know it can be so difficult, I am keeping you and your family in my prayers... Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueeye Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 I also wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I helped my mother care for my father--- he had end stage renal failure. And then I cared for my Mom by myself as she battled SCLC. Hugs for you, we are here when you need us. Leslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CherylNJ Posted October 5, 2008 Author Share Posted October 5, 2008 Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughful replies. Today was a much better day. The decadron is doing it's job. Dad was sitting up in bed, watching tv when we got to the hospital. We are all meeting with the oncologist tomorrow morning to discuss starting chemo on monday. His bowel and bladder control has returned. All in all it's been a really good day! This truly is one crazy roller coaster ride! Cheryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caren Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 It's good to know that your dad had a better day. I hope that they continue for him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Sounds good to me Cheryl! Here's hoping your Dad has many more good days. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Cheryl Just wanted to add my thoughts and prayers to the others. You've gotten some good advice regarding counselors and Hospice. I agree with Ry about getting Hospice on board now.too. They can help so much and offer many other resources for your family. Please keep us posted... Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraL Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Hi Cheryl. I have found that thinking about my kids has been the hardest part for me. You will find the right help and the right things to say to them I am sure. You are their mother and know them best. I am sure your mom is very grateful for your help. I cannot even imagine what you are going though right now. But I am glad this website provides you support if even in some small way. I wish you strength in carrying on and ensuring your dad gets the best care available. Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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