Sad birthday for me

[Tk]

I am just sitting here having the biggest pity party today and don't quite know what to do about it.

This is my first birthday since losing my husband (9 months tomorrow) and I am feeling so very sad. We always treated birthdays as special days, even the whole week. He would ask me "what do you want to do today?" and we would do something fun - take the train into the city for lunch, go for a ride in our antique car, just enjoy our time together, and he always made this day all about me.

I have many well-meaning friends and family who have wished me a good day, but it just isn't the same. I have a few that sent me those funny cards, telling me to have a "great day" - "have fun" - etc. I know it is all meant to make me smile, but in truth, I haven't had a great day since Chuck was diagnosed, going on 3 years ago now. We tried to make the best of a bad situation, but even last year, when he was getting much worse, his family just brought us dinner here at home since he didn't feel up to going out. It was the sign of worse things to come, but we tried to have as good a time with it as possible. To make matters worse, his birthday is also coming up in a couple of weeks.

I would rather just ignore the date and pretend it is just another day and muddle through it as I have been doing recently. I am dreading the thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas - those were always such fun holidays for us in better years - now it is just a reminder of the loss.

Thanks for listening - I just needed to vent a little and I hate to dump on those who are trying to make me happy today. It isn't their fault, and they don't know how to make me feel better. Neither do I.....

Tk

[Nick C]

We all remember those first birthdays and holidays...and they do stink...and if nothing is what feels like the thing to do, then do that...it's OK.

And don't feel bad thhe day you do want to enjoy your b-day or the holidays. It doesn't diminish his memory and doesn't change the fact that you would rather this day include him.

Basically, feel free to enjoy life and have great days whhen you are ready too, in the meantime, I think a bunch of us know that it is hard to even want to and even if we did, it would be close to impossible...it aint easy.

[MsC1210]

((((TK)))

Nick is so right.. those firsts are brutal. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right to you. There are no right or wrongs to this grieving thing. It's as unique and individual as we are.

Lean on us and vent all you want and need to. We are here and we understand.

Warm hugs

Chrisitne

[teriw]

((((TK))))

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I so understand those "firsts." Every one is difficult in its own way. I think first birthdays are especially difficult for spouses, because your spouse is usually the one going out of his or her way to make you feel special. You wake up and go to sleep with the "happy birthday" kiss. He's the person you're growing older with. More importantly, he's the person you want to grow older with.

I think you have to get through all of the firsts in whatever way feels right for you at the time. Give yourself options. Last year I basically ignored my birthday (it helped that it fell on Thanksgiving), but I ended up having a big family Christmas at my house. That was the tradition, so we stuck to it partly because Bill loved Christmas so much. I wanted to do it and was glad I did. This year, however, I'm feeling the need to just sail through and absolutely not do any entertaining.

I've known other widows who have skipped town for their "firsts." But the thing to remember is that if you skip it this year, then you still have to face the "first" next year. This past Valentine's Day I got all of the cards out that Bill had given me through the years. Next month for my birthday, I expect I'll do the same. There are ways to bring him in. Of course the void is huge, but memories and tears can actually bring comfort.

Have you found a grief support group yet? It really helps. Especially if you can find one just for people who have lost spouses. Mine has been together for nearly a year and we have been such a support to one another through all of the firsts. I know we're all different, but I found 9 months to be especially difficult. Be gentle on yourself.

Many hugs & please PM me any time,