New area....

[Ann]

Thank you so much Ricky for creating an area for those of us that are trying to survive the loss of a loved one from this terrible disease. Shirley B had this idea when I spoke to her on the phone last night and I emailed the request to Ricky today!!! Being a wonderful guy...he had this area created in minuted!!!!

I know that sometimes it's hard for us to express out true feelings about our losses because we want others to remain upbeat! I think this forum will be "just what the doctor ordered" for so many of us!!!!

Once again....THANK YOU RICKY!!!!!

[shirleyb]

Ann and Ricky,

Thank you so much for taking the ball and running with it. I think this area will be much used in the future.

It is sometimes hard to express the anger, frustration, loneliness that comes with being left behind in the other areas of the forum.

It also gives people the right place to ask those hard questions of what do I do now. Where do I start to get things done. Like how to get your bank account unfrozen when that was the last thing you expected to happen after your loved one has passed.

I know there are many others out there that need this area just to vent and know they are not alone.

May God bless you both.

Thank you both so much.

Shirley

[cathy]

Thank you. Very good idea

[peggy]

This type of forum is very much needed by those of us who need a place to vent, discuss our fears and grief with people who understand.

I say very little to friends and family now - I know they expect me to be "over it" after 4 years but I'm NOT! I will never get "over it."

The lonliness I can bear most easily. The loss of my - OUR - future and all our plans is harder. But the most difficult of all are the memories of my husband's desperate fight to survive. To see my vital, life-loving and happy husband deteriorate and finally concede defeat was worse than words can describe.

Hearing him finally say "I want to die" is something that will haunt me and cause me pain til my own dying day.

THANK YOU for giving me a place to say these things, and not have to see people avert their eyes when I say them.

[cathy]

Dear Peggy,

I know that feeling. You have said everything I have been wanting to but didnt because of the many brave people here still fighting. Frankly I am not sure if that will ever get easier. I know sometimes for no apparant reason those visions come back and hit you like a ton of bricks. Its sooo hard to "move on" when we are haunted by what our loved ones went through. I absolutely know my dad is pain free and in a better place, however it doesnt take away the trauma we went through. Maybe somehow together all of us family members can help each other just by listening and knowing we are not alone. I pray that someday we will find peace.

[peggy]

I know sometimes for no apparant reason those visions come back and hit you like a ton of bricks

YES! They are what I call "flashbacks" and they hit me at the oddest times. They've caused me to have panic attacks and have to leave whatever place I happen to be at the time. The memories hit so hard and are so painful! Opening a drawer and seeing his glasses in it, looking through papers and finding a note he wrote...all these little things hit like a kick in the stomach.

I truly feel like I had or have post traumatic stress from the ordeal. My husband actually told me that it was harder on me than on him, because while he was taking action to save his life, I could do nothing but watch. As we know, nothing is worse than watching a loved one suffer and being unable to offer relief and I would have done anything to save him.

And it is terribly difficult to put on a brave face every day and support our loved ones, and have no one to support us! I went to a support group after my husband's death, and I recommend this to anyone. If nothing else, these groups help you realize that you are NOT going crazy, and that all the emotions - denial, anger, depression and sorrow are normal, that grief does not have a timetable.

I'm very sorry about your dad. I lost my dear mother to cancer too, 7 years before my husband died. That was a real blow, as we were very close, but I still had my husband and a whole other life apart from her.

How I longed for her when my husband was gone and I had no one to turn to, but I can think of her now mostly without the severe pain that I feel every single day for my husband.

And yes - I feel deeply for all those here who are fighting, and for their families. I know just exactly how they feel, but we need a place to talk too, about our own suffering and pain. Some things are way too big to be borne alone. No one who has not been there can truly understand.

[Tim'sKathy]

Paggy...

Thank you for writing what you did and being so honest with your emotions...I for one understand completely what you are going through. I lost my husband October 12th and I think it's the flashbacks to his last week that hurt the most. He had brain mets and 3 days before he died he went to say something to me and it came out all jumbled up..the scared look on his face haunts me. I am so glad that I was able to keep him at home until the end..he wanted to die here...but I would never wish what I saw or went through that last week on anyone. My husband put up such a brave battle only to be tossed down again and again..he never got a break. I know he is in a better place, but I miss him so darn much..I can't even begin to describe it. And NO ONE understands, not his family, not my family or our friends...only the ones here like yourself that have been through this can begin to know what it is like.

God bless....

Kathy

[Tim'sKathy]

Paggy...

Thank you for writing what you did and being so honest with your emotions...I for one understand completely what you are going through. I lost my husband October 12th and I think it's the flashbacks to his last week that hurt the most. He had brain mets and 3 days before he died he went to say something to me and it came out all jumbled up..the scared look on his face haunts me. I am so glad that I was able to keep him at home until the end..he wanted to die here...but I would never wish what I saw or went through that last week on anyone. My husband put up such a brave battle only to be tossed down again and again..he never got a break. I know he is in a better place, but I miss him so darn much..I can't even begin to describe it. And NO ONE understands, not his family, not my family or our friends...only the ones here like yourself that have been through this can begin to know what it is like.

God bless....

Kathy

[Guest]

Kathy,

your description of Tim's brave battle and courage and desperate will to live only to be "tossed down again and again" and never catching a break, reminds me of my dad SO MUCH.... WHY is always the big question and that last 10 days with my dad haunts me almost everyday..especially now during the holiday seasons.

It's all so senseless. I hope we can help each other stand up and face the coming days together...and I truely hope that one day there will be more awareness and more treatment options so that others won't feel pain like ours.

God bless you all-

Katieb

[J.C.]

So true what everybody say,

It is so hard to live after losing a life companion, a good husband,

someone that always understood you and loved you.

You have to go on alone and live in a world where people are saying

*we know what you go through*.

They do not, they have nor been there.

We lived for days for months, hoping and trying to enjoy

each good day and when the bad days were there to hope again

for a better one soon, only to lose it all in the end.

To keep going alone after is so hard, you try to put on a good enough face

but your heart is in shamble and so is your life.

Your love is there, but the person is gone and you are on your own.

At least this is a place where you know you are not alone, you are with

caring strangers that understand better than your friends what your life is like

without the one you love.

Thank you to be there.

J.C.

[peggy]

Kathy - Oct 12! This is brand new for you, and I know just exactly how you feel - you are still in a state of shock, because even though deep in our minds we knew they were going to die - the denial is very very strong.

Yes, I "knew" my husband was dying, but I didn't really know - if that makes any sense.

When I talked to a counselor and told her that I couldn't face the fact that he would die, she said "How could you? How could face the fact that you were going to lose the most important person in your life - if you did, you could not go on." She was right.

Other people mean well, but they just don't know what to say to comfort us - not realizing that there is no comfort. I've learned a lot from this, mainly that people should not try "make it better" by saying things like "He's in a better place" or "It's a blessing".

Mostly, what I wanted was to talk - about him and his suffering, and my pain and suffering - but those are things people don't want to hear. No one ever mentions my husband, I guess for fear of me breaking down (although why that is so dreadful I don't know!) It's like he never lived, and that is very hurtful to me.

I'm sorry to ramble, but I haven't had a place to talk about this for a long time, so please bear with me.

And Kathy - HUGS to you!!!!

p.s. I wonder if we could set up a chat night?

[/i]

[lilyjohn]

I read what all of you say and I can tell you that I have experienced the same things. I get so tired of people telling me to get on with my life or that Johnny wouldn't want me to grieve for so long. How do they know what he would want? Most of the ones who say that never knew him! Then you get the same .ones saying that they know how you feel What a crock that is. How could they possibly know having never been where we are right now? I want to talk about Johnny. I want to relive the laughter and the love and even the pain. They are all that I have left of him.

Don't you feel the same way?? Don't you get upset when you try to say something about the one you lost and everyone acts like they want to say" oh no not that again"?

I posted this poem once before but again I think it goes well here. It pretty much says it all. Someday maybe we can be lucky enough to change not only the attitude about lung cancer but the attitude of others toward our loss. Until then we have only one another who will know and care how we really feel. Lillian

The Elephant in the Room.

By: Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we sqeeze by with, "How are you?" and, "I'm fine".....

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else--except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please say her name again.

Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,

Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me

Alone.......

In a room.........

With an elephant.

[peggy]

Thank you for that poem, Lilyjohn. It says it all.