I've been gone for a while...

[LisaEz]

I only had the chance to post here a few times before my dad died this summer. He had been diagnosed with NSCLC (Stage 4) and died 20 days later.

I haven't been able to do much about him since his death. I created a blog and wrote out the story of the day of his death so I wouldn't lose the little details. I got through the memorial service. I've made it through 3 "month anniversaries" of his death since July 27th. I've supported my stepmom as much as I can as she goes through this loss and grief.

I still haven't cried since the day he died. Not once. I've teared up a couple of times, especially when I call their house and hear his voice on the answering machine.

Some part of it still feels unreal. As though he's at home, with his wife, and I just haven't heard from him for a while. Then a picture of him will pop into my mind, the way he looked at the funeral home when my smom and I viewed his body and said goodbye again before he was cremated. I had always been a bit scared to touch a dead body, I don't know why. But that day, I couldn't stop touching him. We cut off a couple of locks of his hair. I put the hair away and haven't looked at it since.

His birthday would have been one week from today. I am not sure how to get through November 8th. And then Thanksgiving. And then Christmas. Last year he went with us to pick apples with my kids. This year we went without him.

I'm so numb and yet in pain. It makes no sense. I can feel myself putting my feelings into a box in my heart and closing the lid so that I can focus on my three young children and day to day life. We've all had H1N1 the past few weeks (of course, we all got it one at a time, not together) and life is just always so busy that it's almost easy to say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that I'll think about it tomorrow.

I still always think "I want my Daddy" whenever I think of him. I want him back, I want him with me. I want to tell him more things and hug him and kiss him and hug him again. I want to see his smile. I want for people to ask me how I am and really mean that they want to know. I want to not have to be strong every minute of every day in front of my kids. I want to grieve him and begin to heal instead of feeling as though I am putting something off. But I can't seem to. I feel defective.

He would have been 69 in one week. I still can't believe he won't be here for me to call and talk to on that day.

Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to get it out.

Lisa

[Larry's Wife]

Lisa, I am sorry that you lost your dad to this horrid disease. It happened so quickly that you hardly had a chance to even wrap your head around the diagnosis before he passed away. That's got to be tough to deal with. I'm sure it put you into a tailspin.

But let me say this, with emphasis. YOU ARE NOT DEFECTIVE!!!!! Please, please don't measure your grief by the number of tears you shed. Those tears, honestly, don't have anything to do with the depth of love you felt AND STILL FEEL for your father.

I'm sure you have heard about the different stages of grief. Don't get too caught up in that, though, because we each grieve in our own way, and we grieve differently for different loved ones. For instance, I cried every day for two weeks for my dad, who passed away in 2000. But after that two weeks, I never shed another tear for him. But I yearn for him still. For my husband, I hardly cried at all, even though I find I miss him more with each passing day. Perhaps I didn't cry for him for similar reasons as you. We have a son. And he needs my full attention right now. I've never felt like I had the luxury of just letting go and allowing the roiling emotions to bubble up to the surface.

I guess what I am trying to say to you is that you shouldn't judge yourself too harshly. Just because you are not grieving in the way you "think you should" doesn't change the fact that you miss your dad and you wish he were still here.

If you cannot find peace with your personal grieving process, though, you might consider grief counseling. My son and I both attend counseling. It's not grief counseling, per se, but I've spent many hours talking with my counselor about that very thing. It's helped me immensely. And I try not to be too curious about my son's sessions, but I can see that it has helped him, too. This may be exactly what you need to take the lid off your box.

[lilyjohn]

Most people think of grief as a process. Well believe me when I tell you that it isn't. Grief is a deep seated part of your love for the person you have lost. You will feel many emotions and often times you will just feel numb. Then you ask yourself how can you feel pain if you are numb. Pehaps that is the only time the two can be felt together. It is hard to explain unless you feel it personally.

Not everyone cries but everyone grieves in their own way. That feeling of disbelief often comes to us even when we know the one we love is going to die ahead of time. My mom has been gone 24 years and I still can't believe it sometimes.

So remember you are not damaged nor defective. You are just human and trying to deal with something that you had no idea would come so soon.

I will be praying that you find some peace, If you can find the time it may help to keep a journal of your feelings. Some day you can look back and see how far you have come. In a journal you do a lot of things. You can write out your feelings or write letters to your dad saying all of those things that you never had a chance to say or just about everyday life. You can also pour out your anger at the injustice of the situation and you can even pour out your anger at God if you feel the need. Don't worry He has big shoulders and can take it.

Please continue to come here. You will always find someone here who understands and is willing to give you a shoulder to cry on long distance or just a cyber hug.

[LisaEz]

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. It helps to know I'm not alone and hopefully not doing this "wrong". I talk to my stepmom a couple of times a week, at least, and it helps to talk to her and get to talk about him with someone else who feels like I do about him being gone.

[Marci]

So sorry - you are not alone in this. Thinking of you and praying. I too dread the holiday season - everytime I am in a store I want to shoot the speaker system out with all that holiday jingle. I am now trying to avoid the stores as much as I can. Hoping the holidays gently pass you and your stepmom by. Go easy on yourself and take care of yourself.

Blessings-

Marci