DeanCarl Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 I hate insomnia. I went to bed around 1am last night (this morning), woke up at 4am and could NOT get back to sleep. No apparent reason. Just could not fall asleep again. Now, I don't get insomnia very often. But when I do my brain, being at times my worst enemy, takes the opportunity to try to beat the cr** out of me. It's favorite tactic seems to be to ambush me with a single, seemingly random thought that starts a whole train of events in my mind. This, if I don't catch it in time (and I didn't last night) leads, inevitably, to hours of questioning whatever is going on in my life at the moment. And, of course, what is going on in my life at THIS moment is my cancer and my decision not to seek aggressive treatment for it. So I got to spend a lovely (he says sarcastically) 3 or 4 hours wondering and worrying if I'd made the right choice or not. Not that I hadn't taken hours and hours agonizing over what to do in the first place, now I get to do the whole thing over again. YUK! And what, you ask, was that random thought that started this whole mess? (Oh .. you didn't ask? Oh well, gonna tell you anyway. ). Just a little thought that said, "I sure hope the rainbow bridge is a real place". (For those that might not know what the rainbow bridge is go here: http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm) And off my brain went. Did I make the right choice? What if I could have been cured of this cancer? Is what I'm doing fair to Gay (my wife) or Marsha (my 26 year old daughter)? Is there a heaven? And what is it like? What if THIS religion or THAT religion is right and I've been wrong all these years? And on and on and on and .... (well, ya get the picture (and it's not a pretty one, either. ) And the ironic part of all this is I KNOW, deep in my heart, the rainbow bridge IS real! Just as I know there IS a God. It's not something I can explain to anyone in a logical manner. I just cannot conceive of a universe WITHOUT a rainbow bridge. And I know there's a very special little beagle waiting for me there. Got him when I was nine. Too smart for his own good and stubborn as an ox, he was my best friend until he died when I was twenty two. I guess I know what's really happening here. I know my time here is now limited. I seem to be of two minds on this (some would say a LOT more than just two! ). One part of me wants to make sure the rest of my life, no matter how long or short, is enjoyable and has meaning. The other part wants to spend it's time in the past, remembering what was good about my life and hoping that somehow I've made a difference to at least a few people as I've traveled along my way. I think I have ... a little, here and there. Well, the title DID say "Ramblings" after all! Anyway, I seem to be better now. Back to being comfortable with my decisions and back to my faith in what I know to be true. Thanks for taking this little "wander" through my head with me this morning. Dean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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