Listening to myself talk

[jaminkw]

I'm up late for me but I got that bag of steroids with my chemo today. I am running down now but thought I'd pop in and post. I haven't done a "sharing" post for awhile.

I was in therapy a long time before I studied to become a therapist. One thing I know though, there is always more to learn about ourselves. And along the way, I've learned a lot by listening and hearing what I'm saying to others. Last night at group, I was talking about fearing recurrence because it would mean a new chemo. New treatment scares me to death--will I lose my hair again, will my QOL tank again because it makes me feel awful. In the course of this discourse, I said I wanted to stay on Alimta forever. This from the woman who is always talking about hating being on maintenance and about having agreed with my onc that this time I'd stay on it. But in group I always add "for now anyway." One group member responded with "well, you never said that before." I surprised myself when it popped out.

I also talk alot about how being so positive just got me devastated when my cancer recurred after a year. But here I am, three weeks from my next scan feeling a little anxious but not too much yet. I am and have been feeling really well so....

Well, I think I can sleep now. Thanks for listening.

Judy in KW

[laban]

Judy, I hope you had sweet dreams. I can't imagine how difficult some thoughts can be at times. I look up to you as a very brave, courageous woman.

[beatlemike]

Judy,I hope you got a good nights sleep. I dont know about you but it seems like bed time my problems seem to magnify. I lay in bed thinking about all the (what ifs) in my life that may not even happen. All my fears and resentments seem overwhelming when Im trying to sleep but the next morning they dont seem near as big as I made them out the night before. Thank you for all the sharing you do. I hope you know that you have helped many on this board.

[Joppette]

Good morning Judy,

Thank you for sharing. I was always a bit manic on chemo day because of the bag of steriods that preceded the lovely chemo. I'd be up all hours of the night, cleaning, reading, and writing. My mind raced too.

I don't know what i'd do if were to have to make a decision for more treatments. I try not to think about it, and just leave my fate in my Creator's hands. But I get that anxiety when it is scan time too. Even though the CT scan is not uncomfortable in any way, my heart does some racing as that fluid starts to go through my veins and I can feel it. I'm always dizzy when I get up off the table, and I know it is because of my emotions.

So I send you a cyber ((((HUG))))), I understand.

Judy in MI

[Bud Baker]

I can definitely identify with the wariness of treatment, especially chemo. When I was diagnosed, my surgeon was sure it was stage I. When I called after the surgery to check on my biopsy, it was obvious that my doctor hadn't looked at the results yet. I got to listen to him instantly go from happy voice to grim, as he read that one lymph node had been found to be cancerous.

I had done my research. I knew that my odds for long term survival had instantly gone from 80 percent to 40 percent. The doctor next mumbled something about my cancer being squamous cell, which is almost always caused by smoking. Thanks, Doctor; I feel much better now.

So I agreed to chemo, which would supposedly raise my long term survival odds to more like 50/50. Taxotere was the first chemo they gave me. I had been on the IV for about 10 minutes when Rose took off for a bathroom break. By the time she got back, I had serious chest pain and was on the verge of passing out.

Rose called the nurses, who rushed over and took my blood pressure, which was 70 over 40. As I fought to stay conscious, eyes rolling back in my head (according to Rose), they raced me in a wheelchair to the ER, where I spent the next several hours.

Rose started calling family members. Our daughters arrived at the hospital shortly, and my sister drove all the way from Oklahoma City to get there that evening. I must have looked pretty bad headed for the ER, and Rose thought I was a goner.

Of course, a short while after they had unplugged the poison, I was fine. But I can tell you that coming back the next week to let them try a different chemo was one of the more difficult things that I've ever done.

So yes, I understand dreading treatment very well. One of the toughest things about this disease is that the treatments can be as bad as the disease.

I hope the steroids didn't keep you from getting a good night's sleep, and that you feel better today, Judy.

[jaminkw]

Thanks guys. And see, came in here and shared and slept like a baby til 8:45. This is a great place!

Judy in KW

[Barb73]

Judy,

I just saw this posting today, which is still before your next testing.

As I read your post, I can see that you are very much in touch/reflective. That is a blessing to have such insight into your own thoughts.

Bill and I used to talk a lot about things, including the next treatment, scan times, or even whether, or not there would be any side effects. In Bill's journey, Alimta was a favorite (if we could call any chemo "that"). It held him stable for a year or more.

However, is doubtful that I would have been able to get through all of what ran through my mind when going to the treatments with Bill without this great place to come and unhinge.

I like to think of it as an oasis filled with people of wisdom, experience, and just plain caring.

Thank you, Judy, for sharing your thoughts.

Love,

Barbara

[jaminkw]

Barbara, I just love you. I know you are not old enough, but never having known a biological mother, if I'd had one I'd have wanted her to be just like you.

Judy in KW

[Barb73]

Dearest Judy,

It does not matter how old I am to qualify as your mother. I am 75 and 3 months, but motherhood does not matter as to age, dear Judy. It matters that we connect.

I do care, and that is whether I am sister, friend, or mother. In our lives, we will know many roles.

I hope that you will be comforted in that I know you through your posts, think about what you say, and care about you very much.

Love,

Barbars

[jaminkw]

Thank you Barbara.

Judy in KW

[jaminkw]

Barbara, every once in awhile an old post with no new additions pops up in my email box. This morning it was this one from last Spring. When I saw that lovely picture of you and your grandbaby, I just had to say hi. Hope you are well. I can only guess how lonely it must be without your Bill. Hope you are distracting yourself the best you can with family and friends.

Judy in KW

[Barb73]

Judy,

I know what you mean. The very same thing happened to me.

A reply to a post was announced the other day in an email, and it was an old one.

You asked how things are going with missing Bill. I still cry almost daily at different spots in the day, but in-between, I am keeping busy with some things here that needed attention.

First, my exams and testing are over. I have serious vascular problems (was wondering why I am so tired most of the time). There isn't much can be done because it is all over the system (clogs and atherosclerosis). It is what killed my Dad. Like father/like daughter. : )

Well, knowing my tenacity, it will not kill me yet. My stubborn streak just won't quit that easily.

As far as the family goes, they are wonderful. There is nothing more important. They have been like rocks.

Our grandson (in Florida) was signed up into the US Marines yesterday. He is off to boot camp. Prayers for him are requested.

Life has been very strange without Bill. I miss him terribly, but he would want me to be thinking about him in a good way. He was my best friend. He, in many ways, still is. He and I were destined to be together for 54 1/2 years. Who, in good conscience, could complain about not having enough time? Not I.

Love,

Barbara

[ts]

I wish the three of us could be at one table - I read every word you both post.

Those mysterious new replies to old posts? I bet you get them when a spammer gets in offering shoes and purses for sale. Dear Katie eradicates those posts before we see them most of the time. But the notification has already occurred.

Best,

Stephanie

[jaminkw]

Stephanie, now that's a three-some I could really get into! Same here with your posts.

Judy in KW