Saturday's Air

[Joppette]

Hi my friends,

Its 2:45 this morning and here I am again. I have to admit to you that my sleepless situation is because of trouble in my marriage. We’ve been through hell and back with his job situation, and more. On top of that he is angry that my health seems to always be an issue.

In our last 10 years I’ve had multiple hernia repairs, four foot surgeries for mysterious cysts, two carpal tunnel surgeries on my left wrist, and then lung cancer. He said he is tired of all of this and just wants it to stop. What do I say to this?

My foot is still producing cysts. The doctor is baffled by this. He says it is “my lot in life”. There is no logical explanation as to why this is happening. Bottom line is that I cannot walk for long distances, like I used to be able to do. The only solution to the pain is cortisone shots to the bottom of my feet when the pain gets to be so bad. It sucks.

Now my lung cancer is back. It is highly probable that I will need to have surgery to remove another lobe. He said his life “will suck” if my lung capacity is diminished by this surgery. Really ? Again, I say “really?”

He wants me to move my appointments up so that the surgery, if needed, is done in July, because we start new health insurance on August 1, and we’ll have a $4000 deductible to pay then. I can’t move the appointments up because the doctor says I can’t have another scan until late July. The last scan was done in late April.

Hence, the reason for my inability to sleep; I feel out of control right now. Don’t we all feel that way with this disease? Without his support, I am not sure how I will handle what is to come in the next two months. I feel that the only solution to all of this is just to not talk about it with him, or anyone else. He resents my situation. I resent that he resents something that is out of my control.

Anyway, it is what it is, right? None of these things were issues that I wanted to deal with. Who would wish for a foot that has bumps on the bottom of it that make it feel like I’m walking on marbles? Who wants to have their stomach operated on multiple times to repair the muscle that can’t seem to hold the tummy in? The carpal tunnel was probably a result of my career, and tons of time on the keyboard. I certainly didn’t put lung cancer into my life expectations.

Anyway, that is why I am up at 2:00 to 4:00AM.

I’m so sorry that I’m indulging myself in a pity party tonight. I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I just don’t. I’m sad.

Judy in MI

[ronvrens]

Hi there from a cold Ladysmith South Africa. had a few days of severe cold with some snow on the high mountain peaks but it has warmed a few degrees.

Can I just air a few of my thoughts.

When Pat and I got married we made a vow to love each other until death us do part. That includes times of sickness, financial difficulty and everything else. I think if we just remember that it would make all our problems easier to accept.

Almost right from the day we married Pat had severe problems with her back from a fall while ice skating. She had numerous operations that were not a cure. Each time I would take over the role of mom as the kids were still small.

She had tonsils removal which at her age was not easy, apendix removed again not easy a total hysterectomy which laid her low for some time.

I also had bouts of anger at her always being sick but quickly realised that I had to help her as it was my responsability. She was my wife, the one I loved.

When I had the heart attack and bypass surgery she sat at my bedside for hours holding my hand and talking to me even though I was sedated. She pulled me through. My second illness which was partially self inflicted saw her once again devoted to helping me through, with a few harsh words about me not looking after myself when not at home.

the cancer was totally new territory to me and the family. I really tried my best but was not well enough informed and so didnt follow up on some issues that might have changed the outcome, who knows.

As I have said before it taught me something that I always try to share with others and that is Love you spouse with all your heart, share problems as it does help, remember your vow

Just a little something that was on my heart.

Hope things do improve for you. Maybe hubby is experiencing a bit of burnout which can make you a bit irrational

Ronnie

[Snowflake]

Judy, Judy, Judy.... I dropped you a note.

Never did sleep last night. Hubby got home from work, said it was supposed to rain in the afternoon and had a bucket of minnows in the truck. We decided to head out fishing, before the rain hit.

On the way to the fishing hole, it started to rain. Yep, sure did. He was going to call it, but I told him that the fish and the minnows didn't mind being wet and we could use an umbrella... Off we went!

How'd we do? LOL - well.....

It's a pond that's been stocked and had fish kills over the past few years. We were surprised last week to find that there are once again fish in the pond, after a few bumper years of tadpoles and at least one very happy pair of bluegills. There was a mama on her nest under the dock and a bazillion fingerlings. They were so aggressive on the day we had worms, that they were hanging off the worms to at least two feet out of the water (too small for the hook).

So today, I caught two fish, and hubby caught one - larger than the two I caught. These little guys actually were hooked, but if cleaned would not have made a fish stick...

BUT, it was miserable, cold, wet...and fun.

It's a free fishing weekend in the state, so I can fish without a license (hubby has one, we went last weekend and I watched him and the boy fish). With a bucket of minnows, looks like I need to get at least a nap in before he hauls me out again.

He's been baiting my hook and taking fish off my line - shhh, don't tell him my daddy always made me do that stuff myself, I like this princess thing...

Play nice,

Becky

[jaminkw]

Morning All! Didn't get up til after six so a good morning but Stan was already on his way out to walk.

Judy, I'm so sorry things are tense at home. I was out of the loop when Randy got a job so don't know what he's doing but I guess he's not happy with it. You've both had a lot of stress but I do remember times when I felt Stan was not quite "with me" in this cancer. He'd make some small comment and I'd over-react. Don't know what I'd have done if he'd out and out complained. Hang in there. Hopefully he'll get a grip. Ron, your contribution is very right on. It's not unusual for a caregiver to have their own issues but hopefully they keep on doing what they have to do.

Becky, found no note from you so know I'm not blowing you off. You make me miss lake and stream fishing. I loved it! I have to admit, I've never loved ocean fishing as much. I'm too sensitive to choppy water and fishing around the weather is difficult. I did learn to bait and take off fish cause I was too impatient to wait for him. But when we fished in the canoe and he work the little electric motor and I was stretched out on pillows with my pole asking him if he could get a little closer to the bank, I was definitely labeled "the princess" lol. Never lived that down!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Judy in KW

[lilyjohn]

Boy this is a busy place for so early on a Saturday morning!

I guess before we get started I will add something to give a laugh before getting into the serious things. My granddaughter Alison posted this on facebook this morning. She is quoting my 4 year old great grandson. Cy in reference to a possible bee sting on his arm:

"Mom, somebody stuck me. It was either a chameleon, or a dinosaur. I think it was a chameleon."

Becky you sound like me when it comes to fishing. I learned very early to bait my own hook. I never minded the squished worm or the slimy fish. I was always afraid that any amount of time that I had my line out of the water the " big one" would come along. My son used to tease Denis. He would come to the house and say "Dad I need to borrow a rod and reel, but I don't want just any rod and reel I want Mom's because it knows how to catch fish".I had quite a reputation. Wish I could go this year. The lake has plenty of water and I am betting the fishing will be good but it is 20 miles up a mountain road and the buses don't go there. Oh well.

Judy I am so sorry for what you are going through. Being a caregiver is very difficult even during the best of times. I know that I lost patience with Johnny a few times and I also know that I missed a lot of things that I should have paid more attention to. Like Ronnie I will always have a small amount of guilt and wonder if I had not missed so much if we would have had more time. Never the less I know that under the circumstances I did my best.

There are some people who just can not handle taking care of someone who has health issues of ANY kind. Then there are those who really know how to milk it when they are sick. I am speaking from experience.

I always say that my husband was a good man. In many ways he was but he had some very serious flaws. It was those flaws that made my life less than happy for all of those years. I nursed him through 2 back surgeries and numerous bouts of muscle spasms of the back in a time that those things were treated by keeping the patient in bed most of the time. I waited on him hand and foot and he used me as a stability to pull up on when he had to get out of bed. I am sure that many of my aches and pains today are a result of those times. If he got a cold he went to bed and needed to be waited on. I know that a lot of that was my fault because I never protested. I always just believed it was my job.

It wouldn't have been so bad if when I was sick I got the same treatment but that never happened. If I got a cold or the flu so what.I had a family to take care of. When I had something hurting if I said anything he would always come back with the comment "you just think you know what it is like to hurt". In other words because he had a bad back nothing I had could ever be that bad. I fell sitting down and bruised my tail bone so bad that I could hardly walk. His solution was to ignore it until my son came one day and chewed him out for not saying anything. After that he grudgingly did a few things when the kinds or grand kids were around.

The point is some people are just not compassionate. As long as it is not them hurting they don't want to deal with it. I would say that is just a flaw in their personality, my son in law would say it is because he was an *ss. After Denis died my kids pretty much forgot all of the things like that. My grandkids worship his memory. This last year while I was there one day my son in law told me that he wished he could tell them what Denis really was like. I told him no. There is no harm in the kids remembering him with love and not seeing those bad sides. Telling them anything different would only hurt them.

Life is tough sometimes. Decisions can tear your heart out but sometimes you have to start thinking of you first. I think you should have a long talk with Randy. Tell him how hard all of those things are for you and how much you appreciate all he has done for you so far but that really need him to see you through what lies ahead. Maybe then he will see how selfish hie is being. After all it is not as if you asked for all of those things. I will keep you in my prayers. I know how hard that has to be for you.

Judy KW nice to see you on line so early. I hope all have a great day. I think I will take the bus to WalMart when it starts to run at 10am. I need a couple of things and really need to get outside for a while. I am hoping that my cold is finally starting to go away.

[Joppette]

Thank you everyone for your words of comfort and advice. Lily, he took excellent care of me through my lung cancer. And like your husband, he is the biggest baby when he gets sick. Thankfully he does not get sick often. I do wait on him hand and foot when that happens because I want to.

We had a long talk last night, which is what led to my post at 2:00AM. He just does not realize how broken my heart is when he makes the comments he makes. He thinks I'm this tough woman who can handle anything. I may be tough and able to handle whatever this life throws at me, but it does not mean that my heart is tough. My heart is tender and wounded right now.

Judy in MI

[lilyjohn]

He thinks I'm this tough woman who can handle anything. I may be tough and able to handle whatever this life throws at me, but it does not mean that my heart is tough. My heart is tender and wounded right now.

Maybe this is what you need to tell him. Men don't get it as easy as women do sometimes. You have to tell him right out what you are going through. Tell him how afraid you are of what lies ahead and how you are thankful for all he has done for you in the past but now is when you need his support more than ever. Tell him with his support you have a better chance for a good outcome that will not have to change your life to the extreme that he is afraid. It is so hard and it is easy for me to set back and give advice but I remember too how hard it was for me to talk to my husband from the heart. It just never really happened.

[Annette]

I wish I had gotten up earlier - I stayed up and had a great DVD night and now I am waiting for Keith. Later we are going out to eat then pick up the kid after he had a day out white water rafting.

Judy - I know that I have had some terrible ups and downs the last two years. I am so very lucky and yet I can't stop the mental ups and downs. That's just part of what we go through. Then in order to have our caregivers remain strong I think they need a little TLC sometimes too. How are we all supposed to be so strong when this so very badly weakens us. I don't know how caregivers or survivors get through this sometimes. I think that Keith put up with a very "witchy" Annette many days.

I certainly do not have an answer - but you have my ears if you need them, and you have as many virtual hugs as you need.

Annette

[ts]

I think I am a lucky girl. Not only has M been great about what I need, he goes to a group for Caregivers so that he can see and hear what others are doing and dealing with. A rare man? I express my thankfulness regularly (and baked him sugar-free blueberry muffins yesterday.)