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Doors


okiegrl

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One Door closes another will open...I hear this said alot to me and wondering exactly what does it mean??? Do you know that even though its been 10 months since you lost your love, your best friend, your partner your life......that still the pain is there. Good or bad memories hurt. You still cry you still ask why and your still alone. Folks can act sometimes as if oh my God here she goes again.........is it just some are happy its not them? Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years come and went just another day on the calendar. Still looking for work. Got made to early retire 6 months after Kens death from cancer after 22 years of working there. Thank you very much. I know this time I feel I should be renewing myself, but can't seem to. I have hard time moving ahead it seems. I want someone to listen, just listen. No opinions, no judgment none of those things that make you fell worse than you do. Just listen and know for some its still hard, its still unbareable and lonely. I believe in God but sometimes I wonder the WHY of it all. I know he is here but this time I look at it and wonder ok I took care of my grandmother, my mother and now my husband was that it is that why I am here. I get so angry at myself at the world at even poor Ken who died not by his fault some damn dieseas we have not conquered yet....and wonder what is out there for me who am I? When is it going to be better? Why am I here? What do I do? Am I going to get a job that pays me so I can keep the roof over my head? I feel over whelmed people just flat out over whelmed and beat. And quilty for feeling it. Comfort in knowing one door closes another opens is not helping..........

Thanks for listening at least I put it down and that is a burden I will drop here.........get up and tackle another day.... :)

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Oh dear,

You have hit a nail on the head with this one. I feel like it is something I could have written, but I don't write as well as you. It has only been alittle over five months for me, but I have "friends" telling me it is time to get on with my life. They are not in my shoes and don't have clue what this is like. The only people I have found that understand are the ones here on the board and just a few others not on the board.

When one of us finds the answer, lets please share it. In the meantime, I am trying to do what feels good in my heart. I keep praying for peace and God has granted a lot more than I thought I could have, but boy some days I just want to scream at Him for taking my best friend.

I am sorry we are all having such a difficult time in our lives. I know one day we will be able to smile and really mean it. Until then, keep on doing what you must. We are survivors of the truest sense.

Much love,

Shirley

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It's hard. I watch my mom struggle with the loss of the only man who truely loved her and who she truely loved...and she watches me deal with the loss of my dad whom at 29/30 I was still his baby girl.

It's been 4 months now for us, and it is hard and unbelievable still at times. We are still in the stage where it is hard to believe he is gone, as if he were on vacation or something. And when it comes right down to it and my brain registers that he is not coming back, he will not be here to hug, he will not be the other half of my mom, he will never hold my new daughter...the pain is unbearable and the tears flow. After 4 months, I am pretty regular now- I have one breakdown (tears) once a week.

My son had the flu a few months ago...in the hospital hallway we saw my dad's chemo onc. HAdn't seen him since the day my dad died. He came up and hugged my mom, asked how she was- SHe said- not good. He told her, it takes about six months to begin to feel ok--mom told him she'd never feel ok again and he shook his head, like he knew. Those of us who have seen this disease claim a loved-ones life have seen hell. Pure hell. The disease is so brutal and cruel.

I don't know how or when it gets better or what the magic spell is....I just know that life happens..good or bad...and there's no stopping a new day from coming. We get up and put one foot in front of the other and hope that this day brings a little laughter and a little joy- just enough to get us thru. Then something wonderful will happen and the joy lasts a bit longer, or a new problem pops up that we have to concentrate on and tackle...life again...happening all around us...and for a longer period of time we aren't in such agony or pain....and again...another day passes.

I like to think that our loved ones walk beside us and share in our pain and joy.

Take Care ((HUGS))

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Candy,

I did a lot of the same things in my home. I rearranged the furniture so that when I look into the rooms, I don't "see" Randy sitting there. I have my memories and they are sweet ones but I also know I could not leave things the way they were.

As for the room your son built. I think it is such a wonder thing to do. You have your place in your home where when you want to really be with Hugh, you can be. As for the relatives that think it is tacky, I hate to say this, but just wait until they are in your shoes. They have not had the unfortunate experience we have had so they talk of things they know nothing of. I guess it takes having been there, done that, to understand.

Bless you for sharing.

Much love,

Shirley

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We all cope with loss in very different ways and until we are faced with loss, we don't know how we will react. I can really thatn God for friends (many on this board) who spent so much time listening to me. I know I have friends that can re-tell every detail leading up to Dennis' death, as they have listened to me pour my soul so many times. There were nights that I would start with a mental list of friends and call them...one after one...and tell them the things that were on my mind. Thank God, they listened. I guess I didn't ask for too much advice, as I found out early I would have to plot my "personal survival plan" in order to surivive the emotional load that had been dumped my way! I tried so many things...never was a big drinker but in the days following Dennis' death, I found that a bottle of wine could be very comforting and could also help me sleep. That only lasted a few days, as I couldn't stand the taste. I called the Hospice grief counselor assigned to me and she gave me some ideas. I was extremely depressed, maybe ever suicidal. She suggested that I sit down and write letters to Dennis. I tried this and somehow, it made the depression worse, as I knew he would never read them. I went back to work and found surprised that others were not constantly giving me their sympathies. Guess I felt really sorry for myself. Then, I realized they were trying not to bring up the issue to protect me. Finally, after a few months, I started getting out and spending time with friends. This really helped to take my mind off things. Of course, when I would return home, it would all roll back...just like slow motion an a big scrren at the theater. So...next step became changing a lot of things.....beginning with the bedroom....the room where Dennis had died. New furniture, paint, wallpaper, bedding, carpeting....a whole new look. Then...changing jobs...new job, completely differeent line of work. New people, new faces and people that did not know of my sorrow. All I can say is that I'm back on the road to living again. I know that if Dennis could speak to me he would tell me that he wanted me to live the life he no longer can live. You know what...I'm sure all of your loved ones....husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons and daughters....would say the same to each of you! They all loved us and wanted the best for us. I believe that with all my heart! We can share ideas about how to find peace within but each of us must customize the plan to do this. When we look back, we can all see how much progress we have made. Think of the very darkest day and then think of the good things that have happened since then. There is hope...and bonded together we will all find our own peace!

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Like everyone else has said you seem to have said so many of the things that are in my heart. People seem to shy away from us when we are in so much pain. Maybe because they are uncomfortable and don't really know what to say. They say things that they think we need to hear not realizing just how insensitive there words are. I think too that dispite the fact that everyone knows better some people think that if they get too close to someone who has experienced cancer or death that they will somehow "catch it" Just one more of the stigmas that we have to learn to live with.

It has been over a year for me now. I do have good days but mostly I have good minutes. I call a good day or a good minute the ones when I don't feel like I just want to lay down and die too. Anything more than that is a bonus and that is when I feel that I have gained a little of paradise for myself.

I now live in a place where I feel very close to nature and God. A God that I not only felt deserted me but betrayed me by giving me hope then not following through. I know now that I was wrong. Still it does not make it any easier. The one thing that makes it easier for me besides all of the wondrefull support on this board is the beleif or I should say the knowledge that God does exist and there is a reason for everything even our pain. I just keep trudging along hoping that someday I will know that reason.

I can not promise you that things will get better soon. As everyone else has said how we cope is an idividual thing. I do know that there will be times when you think that you are doing well and handling things then like a frieght train from nowhere it will hit you again. Holidays and aniversary days are the hardest. Seeing that life goes on around us can make up very bitter and cause much pain our thought is "don't they know that the world has ended" the problem with that is that our world may have ended but theirs has not. There time may come but for now they need to hold on to what they have. We can not expect them to do any differently. We did that too before we came to this place in our lives that has left us so lost with no direction and few if any dreams.

I say honor our loved ones with our grief and tears but also honor them with our laughter even if for now it is forced. In time we will be able to remember and laugh with our hearts not just our faces. Until then take each moment of peace that you find and cherish it. When something is treated with love and tears it will grow just as a plant grows when shown sunlight and given raindrops. My heart goes out to you and all of us who have been forced onto this road of pain and sorrow. Lillian

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