Snowflake Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Ain't it the truth! My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat (building a little"nest"). Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. Now, in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. You hold on to the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Had you taken a moment to "build a nest" you would have known this BEFORE needing it. . . . Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper and made your "'nest", not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe. You plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this." At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home. This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 WOW,That was a HOOT and it makes me glad to be a guy.Even tho sometimes you have to go and can't.Sometimes you go and didn't have to.And sometimes you went and didn't know it.HA HA HA HA FRANK L. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Y'know, Snowflake, since I became a mom I've never been without diaper wipes in my purse. Sometimes they're a lifesaver in the restroom . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Daughter of Bill Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Has someone been watching me in the stalls?? This is so true.............sad, but true!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 I can relate to all of that. One nice thing about living in California is toilet set covers in all the bathrooms. They also double great as toilet paper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 OMG... I am the mother wiping the seat and laying the strips on it for my daughter.... You are tooooo funny!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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