Angie Daughter of Bill

Caren I am so sorry. I know those painful feelings all too well. I posted yesterday about how much it still hurts that my Dad is no longer with us and he passed in 2005. There is so much he will be missing in my girl's lives. All I can say is that as time goes on, the bad days seem to get farther apart. I wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain. Wishing your uncle and soon a speedy recovery! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie Hope you are feeling better soon! Angie

Oh yes!!!! How could I forget Fay A????? It does help to read those posts but it's sad at the same time. When I was getting really teary eyed I came across the Just For Fun forum. The battle of the "Daves" brought many laughs. Those guys. I bet they are in Heaven still bickering. Sweet memories.

We have the DARE program in our school also. Like Katie, my kids had it in 5th grade. Lots of information for the kids and myself too. I forgot to mention that a couple of years back we had a little girl who had a baby in SIXTH GRADE!!!!! In 6th grade I wasn't even thinking about "THAT". Not sure if I even knew about sex in 6th grade........that's been a year or two ago. Angie

My Dad passed in March 2005. There are still times that I have a ""crying day." Today is one of them. It seems that if there is something else going on in my life, it magnifies my grief. My oldest daughter has to see a GI dr. tomorrow. She very likely has Crohn's disease. This is devastating to me as I have seen the effects of Crohn's on my ex. (Her dad) How I wish my Dad could be here for me during this!! This same daughter will graduate high school next year with an almost perfect 4.0 GPA. My sweet Dad will not get to be there to share this with her. She is going to do something GREAT with her life. I just know it.(She is much smarter than her mother and she is blonde at that. ) I wish he could see how her life is going to turn out. Then there is my youngest......going to be in 7th grade next year. The three of us miss him so bad!! Sometimes the pain is just as bad as it was when he first passed!! Is that even normal after so long?????? To make matters worse, I have been reading some older posts. My oh my how I miss seeing some of my old on-line friends!!! Dean Carl, Mr. Ry(John), Frank, Cindy oh, betplace.............Such great people who had to leave this world MUCH too early!!! Just having a really bad day I guess. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

I know that 8 years old seems young but let me tell you that this past year we had some boys in 3rd grade who got in big trouble for having Copenhagen at school. And yes, they were actually using it during P.E. As a dental hygienist I see LOTS of junior high and high school boys who use smokeless tobacco. For some reason smokeless tobacco seems to be the big thing with the kids now. They think it's not a big deal since they are not inhaling smoke. I of course show them pictures of oral cancer to show just how dangerous it can be. These days it seems that kids grow up so much faster than they used to. They are exposed to negative things at a much earlier age. Now, is it the schools place to do this educating about tobacco? Well, in my opinion, not really. The sad fact is there are many kids who do not have good role models and school might be the only place that they hear about the dangers of such things. Angie

So sorry to hear this news. In my thoughts and prayers~~ Angie

You are not a baby! From what I have witnessed treatments are tough. I pray that this new chemo will work magic for you and that you are feeling better soon. In my thoughts and prayers~~ Angie

My old friend Becky!! I am doing good these days except for the fact that my oldest daughter will be a senior next year. ( I am already crying over that!) I probably never told you but you ALWAYS brightened my day with your posts to me and I am so thankful to you for that. So.......HOW ARE YOU DOING??? In my thoughts and prayers~~ Angie

I am not sure if any of you oldtimers here remember me. It's been a long time since I have been on this site. Since my Dad passed it was really difficult to be around here. Actually, I am really ashamed of myself. So many were here to support me when I needed it. EVERY TIME!! No crying over spilled milk. I am doing much better and I am here to offer support, prayers and advice. It's so good to see that so many of you are still posting!!

It seems so strange to be posting in the grieving forum.............seems almost unreal. One part of me knew the reality............that my Dad was getting worse and that I would soon lose him. Another part of me thought I would NEVER lose him...........that together we would beat cancer. I thought I woud share a poem that my oldest daughter wrote on the day that Dad passed on. Dad passed on at 4:30a.m. At 5:15a.m., my daughter handed me a piece of paper and asked me to read it. It was this poem. It came straight from her little heart. She always puts her emotions on paper. It just amazed me that 45 minutes after Dad passed, she came up with a poem. It was a great way for her to express herself. I think it has helped her to heal a bit. She also felt honored that I had the preacher read her poem at Dad's funeral service. Oh and by the way.......I need to explain one sentence in the poem about Sampson..........we used to have a bull named Sampson. He was HUGE!!!! (about 2100 pounds) My Dad and Brittney were riding around the pasture in a Jeep. They decided to stop and take in the scenery. Sampson walked over and started rubbing his head on the Jeep. He rubbed it so hard that it made the Jeep rock back and forth.............to the point they had to start up the Jeep and leave. It scared her to death!!!! Oh what precious memories!!!!!!!! Her is her poem.......... Papa, I loved you so dear. I loved you so sincere. You really don't know how special you made me feel everytime you grinned at me. I want to hold your hand, But know I know your with that great man in the beloved place. I've learned a lot from you in the past 13 years and here are just a few: I've learned to not go out in the jeep when Sampson is in the pasture. I've learned to be nicer to people when they are mean to you. But you taught one of the most important things in my life and that was when life gives you a challenge run at the problem with all your heart and never give up! That's everything you did plus a lot more and I really admire you for that. Love, Your A # 1 Buddy Brittney ************************************************************* Dad used to call Brittney his "A #1 Buddy" all the time, so she thought that would be the appropriate way to sign off. I hope you enjoyed reading the poem. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Hello gang! This is my first time back on the site since I lost my Dad on March 16th. Thanks to TeeTaa for posting Dad's obituary for me. I just couldn't seem to make myself come here and type the words. It has been two weeks today since I lost my Dad. I am dealing with this the best I know how. Like my usual "in control" self, I threw myself into a small remodeling project. The room where my Dad stayed brought much sadness to me, my hubby and our girls. We decided to make it into a "kid's den" area. It has many bright and happy colors...........orange, lime green, hot pink...........it's very 70's retro looking. (All of the colors and furnishings were chosen by my 8 year old and 13 year old girls.) Now that the redecorating is done, I don't know what to do with myself. I spent so much time caring for my Dad, sitting with my Dad.........at times, for just a split second, I still find myself thinking that I will go and sit with Dad for a while. Then it hits me...........he's gone. I do find comfort in some things such as my Dad being at home when he passed. Dad didn't want to get hospice. He didn't see the need for all of those "strangers" coming in and checking on him. In his words, "I think you are doing a fine job with things." Also Dad was not in pain when he passed. The last three days Dad began to sleep longer periods of time. The night he passed, I told him at about 11:30p.m. that I loved him and good night. He was barely able to talk, but he managed to say, "Goodnight, hon. You're a good girl. I love you." Those were the last words spoken to me by my Dad. At 3:00a.m., my sister in law,who is an RN and had been staying with us the last couple of days, came in and woke me up. She said that Dad's breathing had changed several times over the last hour. She didn't think it would be long. Of course me and my hubby went to be with Dad. Dad was unresponsive to us. About 2 or 3 minutes before Dad passed, he had this huge smile come over his face. I believe that Dad caught a glimpse of Heaven at that moment. He took just a few more shallow breaths and he was gone. My loss was Heaven's gain. In the three or four days that followed it was like a whirl wind. Although Dad and I had gone back in December to pre-arrange his funeral, there were still many decisions to be made. The words for his funeral, the music, etc. One of the songs that I had played at Dad's funeral was "Wind Beneath My Wings". It was dedicated to my Dad from me. Dad was my hero and always will be. It is just beginning to sink in that I won't see his kind and gentle face again on this earth. That is really hard to come to terms with. I have not allowed myself to cry since the funeral. I have tried to stay strong for my girls. As I am typing this, the tears are falling. I think I better close and go have a long overdue cry. I thank each and every one of you who have supported my Dad and I during his illness and passing. I don't know how I would have made it without you guys. I am not leaving the site. Not now. It's just hard to come here right now. I might read, but not post too much for a while. Love to all!!!!!!!!!!!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Bill First of all let me express how sorry I am that your wife is not doing well. I hate it for you and for your wife. About the Tarceva.......at one point while my Dad was taking Iressa, he considered hospice. His Blue Cross insurance was going to cover the Iressa and still let him get hospice care. We had to make several phone calls, but the insurance allowed it. In the end, Dad changed his mind and decide to do more chemo, so we didn't sign up with hospice. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Elaine My goodness what an ordeal with your son!!! I hope he is recovering and feeling much better. I was going to post an APB for you if you didn't show up soon. I was getting worried about you. I hope that you are feeling good. I know the job situation with your hubby is terrible. Something will come up soon.........I just know it. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Jim This news is just MIRACULOUS!!!!!!!!! There is no other word for it. You keep your positive attitude and your Faith in God!! If anyone can beat this monster, you can!!!!! I'm so happy for you!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie P.S. Grab that little shadow of yours and fuel up the boat..............it's time to fish!!!

What a horrible ordeal!! I will be praying that this is an infection. I know the worst is the waiting. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

We saw Dad's oncologist today. The news is NOT good. The oncologist is about 90% sure that the numbness in Dad's mouth area is due to cancer in the spinal fluid. It is putting pressure on a nerve in the area of the brain stem. Good Lord............I didn't even know that this was possible. Have any of you had experience or heard of cancer in the spinal fluid?? I know that the prognosis for that just can't be good. They did a lumbar puncture today to test the spinal fluid. Of course it's the weekend and we won't know for sure until Tuesday which is when Dad sees the doctor again. We might possibly know Monday afternoon. After the lumbar puncture, Dad got a dose of chemo directly in his spinal fluid. ( I believe it was Depocyte) Also, the scratchy voice is coming from the primary tumor pressing on a nerve and causing vocal cord paralysis. Yet another challenge. Dad's doctor pulled me aside and said that if the spinal fluid was positive for cancer cells it's game over. No more treatment. Given the general shape that Dad is in, he might not get any more treatments even if the fluid is negative. Dad took a fall at our barn yesterday. I couldn't get him up. He couldn't help me. He was like dead weight. I had to run to our neighbor's house, who lucky for us was home, and get him to help me with Dad. Poor Dad, he had to lay on the soggy ground while I ran to the neighbor's house. I have known and seen first hand how quickly it seems my Dad is going downhill, but I'm just not ready to give him up. Not yet. There is so much more that I want us to do. I want him to see my kids graduate from school, graduate from college, see my kids raise a family of their own.............I want so desperately for him to be there to share all of these things with me. I'm sooooooo sorry that every time I on here lately that it seems as if I am having a pity party. That's one reason I'm not here much right now. I just hate to be the "whiner". Plus, if I type out everything that is going on...........well, it seems much more real. I want to just hide out in my shell for a bit longer. I want to deny that this is all happening, but I can't. (Especially when I come here.) I think of you all often. Love to all!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie P.S. If anyone knows of anything to be done for cancer in the spinal fluid or has any kind of experience with it, please e-mail me at chismfamily@earthlink.net I would really appreciate it. I am heading to "Ask the Experts"

Hello gang! I have tried to respond to several posts over the past couple of weeks but there seems to be a problem. When I hit "post a response", it takes me back to the main page of the web site. I did manage to post to Ry once today. I have no problem starting a new thread, it's just replying to posts. hmmmmmmmmm Quick update on Dad..........Dad was on Alimta.......not working so we threw in Gemzar with the Alimta. We haven't had any scans yet to find out if it is working, but I don't think it is. There are too many new symptoms. Dad's voice is very low and scratchy right now. I believe that one of the tumors is pressing on his trachea. Dad woke up this morning and the left side of his lips and a bit of his left jaw is numb. I'm assuming that the tumor is pressing on a nerve. I wanted to call the oncologist but Dad says that we will wait until Friday when we are scheduled to see the doctor. Also, the last couple of days his shortness of breath is much worse. He has oxygen at home but has been using it sporadically.......just when he needs it. The last two days he has had to use the oxygen almost 24/7. Right now Dad is still able to walk around (just in the house and from the car to the dr.'s office). He also still cares for his hygiene needs, etc. He is slowing down considerably and it is happening fast. I am so scared. Dad is talking about how he probably won't be walking for much longer, etc. It just breaks my heart. Please keep my Dad in your prayers. Also, please say a few prayers for me. I have to have surgery on my foot on March 9th. I have a heel spur and I also have compression of a nerve in my foot. It is PAINFUL! This is the WORST time possible for me to have surgery, but I have been putting it off for more than six months. I am now at the point where I can barely stand to walk on my foot. Lots of stuff going on here on the farm. (right now there is a 24 hour old baby goat in my bath tub..........that's a whole 'nother story!!! ) I think of you all daily and I have been reading posts, but as I said, I haven't been able to respond. I will e-mail Rick about my problem. Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

John and Ry, I am so sorry to hear this news. It is unbelievable. I know when my uncle was diagnosed I couldn't believe that we would be going through this with another member of my family. I know it's going to be hard with so much distance between you guys. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Hello! My Dad has bi-lateral adrenal mets. His doctor said that fatigue was very common. Dad was given cortisone to take. Cortisone, adrenaline.......hmmmm........I forget what else he said, but several things are produced in the adrenals and if not working properly can make you feel very tired and run down. Supposedly the synthetic cortisone will help Dad to have a bit more energy. I have seen very little change so far, but I think it takes a little while to work. In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

I'm easy........just pass me a Snicker's bar and I'll take a glass of red wine. I usually don't drink........I just don't care for the taste, but my hubby took me out Saturday night for a WONDERFUL Valentine's dinner. The dinner came with a complimentary glass of wine. I thought, hmmmm what the heck. It was GOOD!! A good friend of mine works there part time and she was working. I asked her if she could sneak me a 2nd glass of that wine. She did...........ahhhh..........that's the most relaxed I've been in ages!!! As for the flowers..........hmmmmmmmmm...........how about some yellow roses??? Keep the bar open..........it'll take me a while to get there, but I'm on my way baby!!!!!! Angie

Hello gang! It's been a week or so since I have been to the site. It's just been too hard for me to come here lately. Here's where we are at with Dad........His last CT showed progression of the primary lung tumor, new nodules in his other lung and progression of the adrenal tumors. ........sigh......... After the doctor told us all of this info and we were leaving, I forgot to get a Rx for Dad. I told Dad to have a seat in the lobby and I would go back for the Rx. I caught Dr. S. before he went in to see another patient. Before I could say anything to him, he faced me, put both of his hands on top of my shoulders, looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I was going to be o.k. with this. I asked him "O.K. with what?" He replied, "Losing your father." Of course I told him "NO", that I wasn't going to be o.k. with it. I also asked him what he meant. He said that we are getting to the point that we need to start thinking about hospice. I COMPLETELY broke down. I knew in my heart that things were not good, but to here the doctor say it, well, it just cut like a knife!! We went back to the doctor a few days later. (the dr. needed some time to study the scans to see what would be the best course of action) Dad has been getting Alimta. Dr. S. said that we could try adding Gemzar to Alimta. He said that the two drugs enhance the effects of each other. He told Dad that right now we need to think of quality of life, not just quantity. Dr. S. told Dad that he could hit him with some heavy duty drugs, but there would be a price. Dad agreed. He told Dr. S. that he would like to do enough chemo to keep some of his symptoms down, but not so much that he feels sick all the time. So, for now we are trying Alimta with Gemzar. Dad had his first infusion this past Friday. The doctor said that "maybe we can still turn a corner". I pray for these drugs to work. I really feel if we don't get some response that the doctor is going to suggest no more chemo and for us to get hospice when we are ready. Right now, Dad has been sleeping almost all day and all night. He wakes up to eat. (sometimes I can't get him to eat. Last week there was a day that all he had was a candy bar and some water) I can see his energy going downhill every day. My kids are seeing it. (remember, he lives with us) Over the weekend, we had a "family meltdown". The kids were crying and asking, "Mommy, why is God not making Papa better? I pray EVERY night for him." Ohhhhhhh........tough stuff going on. Please keep my family in your prayers. Also, please know that if I'm not around, it's just because it's too hard for me right now. The last time I logged on, I found out about Margaret(countrygirl97) losing her husband. I believe that Jim and my Dad were diagnosed around the same time. It just hit me really hard. Even if I'm not around, I DO pray for you all each and every day. Love to all!!!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Nina There you are sweetie!!! I was getting worried about you. So glad to hear that all is clear. So, are we assuming that maybe it's a pulled muscle from all of that coughing that you were doing? I hope so.......well, I mean I hate that you have a pulled muscle but it sure beats all of the fears you had. I hope that you are feeling better and pain free SOON!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~

I know that Nina was going to the doctor yesterday due to some pain that she was having. Has anyone heard from her??? I just sent her a PM, but I'm not a patient person. I having been thinking about her for two days straight now. Any news?? Angie

Karen Boy do I hear you!! My girls are 8 and 13, but I have seen behavior changes in them this past year. Since my Dad lives with us, my kids never get to "forget" about cancer. My oldest is very emotional at times. She cries sooooo easily these days. Of course puberty plays a part, but sometimes I get to missing her in the house and find her in her room alone a crying. When I talk to her, she wants to know how long "Papa Bill" will be around. She wants to know EVERYTHING that the doctor tells us. Of course I don't tell her everything, but I don't lie to her and make things up. My youngest daughter just last night was sitting on the sofa with my husband and started crying. She was rubbing his face with her hand. Whe my husband asked her what was wrong, she replied that she didn't know what she would do if her Daddy got sick like Papa Bill. She said that she would cry more than Mommy does now. Boy, that made me feel terrible. I try not to cry in front of the kids, but sometimes it just happens. She has also been lashing out at us. Really snappy. I have spoke with the school counselor and my children's teachers. The counselor has talked with my girls also. I have spoke to a friend who is a counselor. I have tried to do some things that she advised. I don't have any good advice for you as I am struggling with my kids. I think you are on the right track. Every night we say our prayers together. My youngest daughter said a couple of weeks ago, "Mommy, what would we do if God wasn't helping us?? It would be bad wouldn't it Mommy?" All I could say was, "Yep, it sure would baby." I hope things improve with Faith. Hang in there. It's a shame these little boogers don't come with an instruction manual, huh? In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie

Andrea I hear you loud and clear on the "afraid to go to sleep thing". It's a bit different for me. My Dad has active disease in his body and he is in the fight of his life. Since Dad lives with us, I never escape cancer.........not for one minute. (Of course I would have it NO other way........plus, if I never escape cancer for a minute, I can only try to imagine what it is like for the patients who have cancer ) I get so scared sometimes. I get up MANY times during the night to check on Dad. I just pop my head in his room to be sure that he is o.k. I have been doing this a lot more lately since the loss of my uncle. I think that if a pulmonary artery could rupture in my uncle, the same thing could happen with my Dad. (my Dad's tumor is encasing the main pulmonary artery) If something like that DID happen to my Dad, I would want to be awake and there to hold his hand just in case he DID know what was happening..........that way he wouldn't be as scared. Also, if you remember, my Dad and I went to the funeral home and made all of Dad's arrangements. That is causing me to have dreams of Dad's death and funeral. It was soooooo awful to go to the funeral home. We had to pick a liner color for the casket..........do you want white or ecru..........pleated or puckered...........geesh..........it was like we were shopping for a dress the way the funeral home employees came accross. Don't get me wrong, they were very nice. The whole experience was........well, it was traumatic for me. I KNOW that I am making myself CRAZY. I can't help it. I'm so sorry that I don't have any good sound advice for you Andrea. I just wanted you to know that I DO understand. Your very neurotic friend~~~~ Angie