One month

[Dollfan19]

Although today marks one month it feels like it was the day before yesterday. I have gone through the denial part, waiting and wondering when he is going to walk back in the door. It feels like he's been gone since the day before yesterday. For me the pain has crept up on me. The first couple of weeks it was pain and heartache....now it's real pain that nothing seems to fix. I didn't think it would be this bad considering I had 5 months to plan for this day. There is no planning. I thought I had said it all, but I actually had said nothing, because the outcome remains the same. Sleeping next to the person you lose and sharing all of your emotions, I feel, makes this worse than losing a parent. I have lost both of my parents at two different times of my life. I say to myself every day that I wish I was a year down the road and feeling better but some days I feel pitiful. People tell me I am as strong as a ox, I've been the rock throughout the 5 months. Even Jim asked me how I was doing it. He used to admire my strength but it was all a facade. I used to cry in the car. If I was weak how was he supposed to be strong and continue on his treaments. For the longest time he was my rock....and never wanted to show me weakness, never admitted he was dying. Well he was and is no longer here. I don't have a 5 year old on consume my time but I wish I did. Jim was my time even when he wasn't sick. We used to do something together everyday. We had a lifetime of memories in 4 years, we never stopped doing with each other and when the kids were home, it was the kids. What do I do without my rock? I am starting to feel guilty for not doing much of anything during these last 4 weeks but cry. If you could lose weight from crying, I would be skinny.

I will never be the same from this and don't think any person in my lifetime will compare to my love for Jim. He was the savior of my love, hero of my heart. I hope and pray that the next time I post on here, my heart has healed some.

Thank you all for your ongoing support, we all need it to continue and accept our situations. For all of the cancer patients that read this, please keep being strong and fighting. The caregivers out here will help find the medicine and put the word out, at least I know I am.

Love to all and keep up the strength.

[stand4hope]

Oh, Abby, I am crying with you.

I am so sorry you lost the love of your life, but I'm so glad you have a lifetime of memories in the four years you were together. As your grief begins to subside, those wonderful, beautiful, fun, loving and warm memories will come back to comfort you and help you to remember the times you had together with joy instead of this deep sadness.

I have not lost the love of my life, and so I cannot completely understand what you are going though, and so maybe shouldn't even be replying to you. However, I did weep when I read your post, as I did the last one, because just the thought of losing my precious love overtakes me with sadness. I feel your pain and am at least happy that you have this family that you can reveal your feelings to without worrying about bringing down someone else or having to be the "strong" one. Hang on tight! Everyone says that if you just hang on, it will get better.

Love and prayers for you,

Peggy

[glo]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this so intensely right now. Wish I could offer some comfort, but all I can say is I know how much it hurts. Seven months ago yesterday I lost my soulmate of almost 40 years.

This weekend has been bad for me also. Don't really know why it's so much worse sometimes than others.

I know what you mean about thinking you are preparing, but you can never prepare. We wouldn't want them to linger only to suffer, but oh we don't want to have to live without them.

Too bad crying doesn't make us lose weight -- would be nice to at least get something out of it -- but if it made me lose weight, I would have disappeared by now.

Just hold on, and know that I and others here who have lost a spouse understand what you are going through. It is painful beyond description.

Hugs to you and wishing you a little more peace each day.

Gloria

[hollyridge]

I am so sorry. I read your post and my heart just aches for you. I lost my precious Bill just two months ago to this disgusting disease. I wish I could do something or say something that could make this better for you. It is a sick pain and such a devasting loss. When I am really having a terrible time coping I try to get hold of myself and start remembering special occassions or important conversations we had recently. Do anything you can to sink yourself into the living memories and block out the visions of his death. He is not gone from you, only from your sight. His love is still there surrounding you. Close your eyes and feel his warmth. I can still feel Bill's touch on my right shoulder. He used to snuggle me there when I was doing dishes or playing the piano. Find something like that to hold onto. I know you are racked with pain and sadness but try to submerge yourself in the good memories.

Please PM me if I can help.

Colleen

[Ann]

Abby, I know all too well how you are felling and can relate to all of the emotions you have mentioned in your post! You know, some say that time heals all wounds but I really believe the loss of a soulmate is a wound too deep to ever completely heal. I seemed to deal better with Dennis's death in the months just after it happened than I do on some days now! God blesses us with this wonderful thing generally referred to as "shock." We are in this state of shock until our minds and bodies think they are ready to proceed without help. Like you, I thought I was prepared for Dennis's inevitable death. I had read books, talked to friends and prayed like I had vener prayed in my life. But, when the time came...all of this was right out the window. Had it not been for the fellings of numbness and confusion and feeling like I was in a "fog" I don't think I could have made it. I think those "fuzzy' days must have lasted for about three weeks and then reality set in. I remember the very first time I realized I would never see Dennis again!!! What a night that was. I think I cried a bathtub full of tears. I screamed, I paced, I had terrible thoughts running through my head...thoughts that I never thought I could think. I thought about the value of my life now and wondered if I should even bother to try and carry on without Dennis. But...somehow..the next morning looked a little brighter and I managed to make it through yet one more day. I literally lived my life one day at a time and after 16 months, I still do that on many days! Abby, your love will always be with you! It will be different, but I guarantee you that eventually you will find peace by knowing he is always right there by yourside. Learn to listen and feel little things you may never have felt and heard before. He will be there for you and your love will go on...forever. Remember that we are always here for you should you ever need to vent ! That's the wonderful thing about this board...there are people here who do know what you are experienceing and can help you down this path!!!! I'm saying a little prayer for you today!!!!

[shirleyb]

Abby,

My heart goes out to you and to the rest of us that have lost our partners. I never would have thought that this would be my place in life at this time in my life either. It all happened way to fast and too soon for any of us.

Know that what you are going through, we have gone through it too and are still trying to get through. We do understand only too well what you are saying. The idea of moving on each day without our loves is like a nightmare. For me it was wondering if Randy knew how much I truely loved him. My foster daughter was the one who answered that for me. She told me she had never seen any two people more devoted to each other, willing to do whatever we could for each other than Randy and I were. I am sure it was the same for you too. And for the rest of those here, Glo, Ann, Peg, Collen, Candy, Norme, and so many more. Like so many have said, it is a pain that we never truely heal from. We just adjust. Accepting that those we love will never be here again is probably the hardest thing to acknowledge. Yes they are with us in spirit and they do send us signs that they are still with us, but what I wouldn't give to be able to touch him once more. To look into his eyes and see the love.

My prayers are for all of us to find that peace that God will give us and the strength to get through each day with a little less of the acute pain we all feel. Some days will be better than others, just know you are not alone and we are all here to support one another through this journey we call life. Without each of you, I know I would not be able to cope as well as I do. It is your love and strenght that allows me to feel like I am not alone.

Abby, keep in touch with us.

Be kind to yourself and know you are needed still.

Much love,

Shirleyb

[J.C.]

Abby,

I am in the same boat on this lake of tears, it is 6 1/2 months that Mike is gone and Friday April 30th would have been his birthday.

Words are all strangled in my throat and do not come out easy.

We had 43 years of happiness and they were not enough we wanted

much more.

So it is not the amount of years you have with a person that count,

they are never enough of them, but the love you had for each other.

The scab will fall out but the scar will be there always.

The only thing that keeps me going is his presence in my life,

he is here with me always and will stay, invisible to the eyes,

but not to my heart.

J.C.