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I like all of you have gone through all of the stages of grief many times. I have come to accept them as an ongoing part of my life. The stage I am going through now will pass and come back many times I know. It is just the hardest to deal with. I am feeling a deep deep sadness. It just overpowers me and keeps me from doing anything that I had planned for today. Does anyone else have these days? Days when the sadness is so strong that it paralizes you?

Snowflake mentioned songs in her post and that is strange because that seems to be one of my triggers for this sadness. Music was always so much a part of mine and Johnny's relationship both in our younger years and the few precious months we had together. When I was first overwhelmed by the old memories that sent me searching for him I wanted to hear all of the songs from our youth. Songs that we listened to but especially songs that he sang. When I would hear those songs I could picture him and see a deep sadness in him. I learned later that he had given up his music both playing and singing because he found too much sadness in it after we had parted. Now I am in the same place he was. The music makes me cry and so sad even the happy songs. I guess I am either strange or once again having to experience some of what Johnny did. Seems like there is nothing that he went through that I don't seem destined to feel too.

I read the board here and feel so helpless. I think that is part of the sadness too. I see the pain of loss and the fear of the disease and even when most try to be so positive I see some of that same sense of hopelessness and it frightens me. Most of all it just makes me sad.

The other stages of grief give me an outlet. The guilt and anger and the sense of injustice allow me to find a way to come to terms with them for a while but this sadness just won't do that. I only get past it after giving in to it for a day or so. It doesn't go away but it becomes managable again and I can live with it. I know part of it is not having anyone to share with. I miss having someone who can understand and respond to what is in my heart and mind but it is the little things that I have no one to share with that break my heart. I see a cloud that is unusual or hear a bird's song and I want to share it with Johnny. Those songs that were so much a part of our life together just aren't the same without him to share with. The taste of the blackberries I have been picking remind me of the ones I picked and made cobblers with for him. I have no one to share that with. How he would laugh when I got so excited about all of those berries. How proud he was when I accomplished the least little thing. Now there is no one to see or care. No one to share with and the sadness of it is almost more than I can bear at times.

On my recent trip I got to visit with Pam Johnny's niece. She has been my rock sense his death but lately I have began to see that even she has no real idea of what I am going through or what Johnny's death has cost me. I know that anyone that has not been here possibly could. More than that I feel her friendship changing and that frightens me. Something came up and I guess I need advice about it.

She has a video of Johnny made in 1993 when he went to visit his brother. I saw the video while I was there. It was so wonderful to see him so well and full of life. I could see too the mental anguish his brothers condition caused him(brain damage from a heart attack). I was both surprised and thrilled when Johnny sang a song on that video. It was a song that he had written years ago after our parting. It tells about our love and parting and that the flame of love still burned in him. I was over joyed to learn that song was not lost forever(he never wrote any of his songs down but kept them in his memory). I thought that Pam was happy for me and she seemed to be. I was supposed to go back and make a copy of that video but my time was running short and the day I was supposed to go to her house she said she was too busy. Tho disappointed I accepted that because I know how great her load is.

She had said at one time that she would make a copy of that video for me when she has time. The other night I asked her to just listen to it and write the words of the song down for me. She got upset for some reason because I asked. She acts like my having the words of that song is taking something away from her dad because it is his video as she said "brother to brother". I can't for the life of me see why she feels that way. I have dropped the subject even tho it really hurts me not to have the words of our song. Still our friendship seems to be strained not on my part but hers. She acts like she doesn't want to talk then when I am on line she comes on the instant message to talk to me. I feel like I am on another rollercoaster and don't know how to get off. I don't want to lose her friendship because I love her and we have been so close. Iknow too that she needs someone as much as I need her. So I leave the subject of the song go but still feel like I have lost two things so precious to me, our song and her friendship because I know it will never be the same.

I guess my question here is why is it so wrong for me to want that song? I know Johnny would want me to have it. It wouldn't exist if it weren't for me and our relationship. Still If I am doing something wrong by asking for it I want to know. It just doesn't make sense to me. So you see once again I am having to battle something that leaves me more confused and makes this sadness that already gets me down seem more intense.

Am I strange or does everyone who has lost their soul mate go through these spells of such overwhelming sadness? I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel alive again or if it will always be as if I am on the sidelines watching life go on without me. :(

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Oh Lily,

I don't know what to say. I am just so sorry you are so sad. I wish you could find something that would fill up at least a tiny bit of the space that Johnny's death left in your life.

I am pretty darn sad today, too. So I doubt I can be of much help, but I did want to let you know I am thinking of you.

About the tape: I don't know what to do about it. I guess just ask again. Maybe she would be more willing to to just tape the part of it that has "your song" on it. That way the other parts of the tape can just be for her and her father.

I know what you mean about songs. I love music but now I often find myself just sobbing when I hear songs that remind me of things....

I love you Lily.


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Dear Lily,

My heart goes out to you. Don't give up on Johny's daughter, just give her a bit of slack and maybe she will be the one to contact you.

I don't usually post in this column, just reading it sends me into a desperate state. I know that I would feel very much like you do, I simply dread loosing my David and know it will bring such terrible agony .

I can only say that activity seems the only way to cope with such deep sadness. My brother lost his young son in an accident and he told me that this is how he coped. He did some volunteer work and he said it helped him a lot. I know it is not the same as loosing a partner but it might help get you going again.

Prayers and hugs to you,


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Lillian....so sorry you have yet another hurdle to cross in this race called "surviving." My days have been so "down" lately that I'm not sure I am in the frame of mind to do any cheering up right now. But...rest assured you are always in my thoughts and prayers and know you will always have a special place in my heart! Yes, my friend...we have so much in common!!!!

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So sorry you can't get a copy of the song but hey, she still might send it to you. don't give up hope.

I really can't say how I am dealing with grief. Some days are much better then others. I have a hard time going to the cemetery and it is only a few miles from here. I pass it when i go to the store and tears flow. I do go there but no more then about every 10 days. I cry as I enter and cry as I leave and all the in-betweens.

Oh, I somehow make it through the day. I try to keep myself busy. I am doing some major work on the outside landscaping. Having trees out and new shrubs put in soon I hope. this keeps the mind busy. Can't keep up that pace though for the monies will run out fixing the place. haha.

I know it will take a very long time for me and evidently for you too to be able to get on with another kind of life. I do know that I can now talk about Buddy without always crying. That is a big step....

Goodnite my friend, try and sleep well....

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