MomsGirl
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Happy Easter, all. My little ones have gone off to church with their dad, while I stay home with the littlest wildest one - no point in taking him and standing in the vestibule the whole time!
Although I don't go to church nearly as much as I should (try almost never), I thought I would share this excerpt from a recent sermon our minister gave. He lost his niece in a tragic murder-suicide. He was ready to preside over her wedding when his niece's fiancee took both of their lives.
He cited the Harry Potter books and referred to the magical mirror that Harry discovers, where he can see his deceased parents...Harry quickly becomes addicted to this mirror and all it represents.
Here is the sermon excerpt:
"Part of what keeps us from living in the present is that we’re stuck in a far away place, in a time long ago. We’re stuck looking in a magical mirror. It’s good to glimpse into that mirror, good to look at those pictures, good to tell those stories. But if you’re wasting away in front of the mirror, it’s time to ask God to help you walk away, and to bring you back to life.
You can have breath, and not be living. Your body alive, but your spirit dead.
But if spirits die, they can also come back to life.
And part of coming back to life is letting go of the past, letting go of dreams that cannot be, and remembering to live.
Say goodbye to golden yesterdays, or your heart will never learn to love the present.
God gives breath to those who walk upon the earth,
and spirit to those who live in it..."
I guess it gave me food for thought. I found myself so wrapped up in the past last night, missing my mom, furious at my dad, that after promising my kids all day we would dye eggs I told them we weren't doing it and stomped upstairs...my husband eventually did it with them. While I was upstairs in tears, I thought of this sermon.
I don't think he was saying that he expects all of us to just let go, but he's impressing on us that we need to live, and often I'll forget to do that, or I will do it with less joy and with much regret...I feel I am often looking over my shoulder into the past, wishing it back...and maybe as a result I'm not fully taking in the importance and joy of these moments in the present, which I will never get back...
Have a blessed Easter, everyone...
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I'm so sorry...
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((((Missy)))))
It's good to hear from you again, your son is precious...
Nine months is so brutal in this process, please be kind to yourself. I found that when I was right where you are it hurt SO bad, it really starts to hit you like a hammer. Don't rush the feeling better part...you just can't predict day to day how it's going to feel. And the visions of your mom's condition...with time I think the edge will come off of those...I know they did with me.
And yes, for a whole year I could not bring myself to look at little old ladies, or older moms with their daughters and grandchildren. I would walk through the mall openly crying and almost boiling over with envy and resentment. Sometimes I would just have to leave.
Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you tonight, I know how you feel, and I'm glad you came back to check in...hang in there and sending warm thoughts tonight...
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Spring 2008
in GRIEF
Teri,
Your post made me cry, then laugh, then cry again...you and Bill sound like you were made for each other, and that makes me believe that yes, you will be together again. Your love will transcend this humble earth...
Hugs and happy Spring....
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Mary,
I'm so sorry about your beloved mom. And yes, I know what you mean about well-meaning friends, it's so hard to convey how you really feel and to even know how or if they can help...
I know how devastating this is, and what a physical pain the grief is...it takes your breath away at times. As far as feeling guilty - be kind to yourself, your mom knew how much you loved her and I'm sure she understood how you felt...believe me, as a mother, your instinct is to protect your children, so she was probably letting you cope in a way you needed too, and loving you all the while.
I think it's part of the grieving process to feel some guilt (I know I did), and with time it eases.
Sending you a prayer and a hug tonight...
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I agree, you could shoulda/coulda/woulda yourself right into insanity when it comes to this foul disease. It sounds like you have a really mentally healthy outlook on this though, Randy. It's so obvious how much you loved your wife, and that you did your very best for her. Hold onto that...
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Well...
We had told my dad we were coming at 5:00 and we did. Had some small talk and then sat down with the list of stuff and started to go through it, figuring out which things he wanted to hold onto for now and which could go, etc. Somehow we got off into a conversation about his dating. My younger sister pretty much said that if it's someone he's just casually dating, we'd rather he wait to see if he has feelings for this person until he asks if she can meet the baby, bring her to family functions...this is emotional for us and our kids. etc...and her teenage daughter was VERY close to my mom and it would just stink to have a revolving door of "dates". My dad saw nothing wrong with wanting to bring these women around, he called it a male point of view vs. a female point of view, and said our kids are more resilient then we think. And that this was his life now. My question to him was, if you see this person pretty much whenever you want, why would you feel the need to bring a "date" to family functions? Why can't it be separate until you are serious about someone? In the midst of this emotional turmoil, I looked out the window and saw a woman walking down the sidewalk. I just stopped talking, b/c she looked just like my mom from afar, I said to my sisters, oh my God, look at that woman taking a walk, it's like Mom walking by. Same hair, same sunglasses, even the same color fleece jacket, very petite. Before we could say anything else she was at our front door. Yup, you guessed it, it was my dad's current friend. We were in shock, to say the least. I don't know if my dad planned this, I don't want to believe he did. She came in and stayed about 45 minutes, then left. It was surreal.
So then we brought up a few other things we wanted to talk about, like estate issues - durable power of attorney for health and finances should he become incapacitated, which I knew he would be very receptive to and just needed a little prodding to move on it. He was receptive and appreciative, and that went fine. Then we sat down to dinner, thinking we would bring up the lake after dinner since it might get pretty emotional. Before we could take our first bite my dad said, "Well, I think I'll address the white elephant in the room, and that's the lake." Before we could say anything else, he said, "I keep thinking I should sign it over, but only if I have visitation -ha-ha..." He's mentioned this before, meaning we would take over the property taxes (which are about $5K a year) and other expenses. The reality is that he will leave the lake house to the girls, and then he will give my brothers more of the monetery end of things. Something that he's brought up before, no surprises, no problem. I wasn't jumping for joy or anything, b/c he's said this before, and he may never get around to it, which is fine...the real issue is him moving another woman in up there. We love being up there with my dad and our kids, but the thought of another woman even sleeping up there is unbearable. So since we were all being terribly blunt thus far, I just jumped right in. I told him that there is nothing else we are so black and white about in terms of our feelings, that this is not emotional blackmail but it's truly about the way we feel and what we can handle emotionally. We went on and on about how sacred the place is to us, that it represents everything MOM, all of our memories, etc. In the end he said, but is this reasonable?, and I said, probably not in your opinion, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily wrong. It was a long discussion and honestly, I don't know what came out of it. He is thinking about all of this, but what my dad says, what he remembers from conversations and what he does are all very different. And I really feel his need to go up there and show everyone he's got a new woman will eclipse any real possibility of him taking our thoughts and wishes into account, even a little.
I will say, though, that my sisters and I were able to do this without being babbling, crying idiots, which I thought was impossible.
And I actually stood up for what I felt and thought, and confronted my dad, which I've only done one other time (regarding my mom's funeral arrangements). I am by nature a very emotional person and I get fired up about things, but I'm not good at confrontations, so that makes for a lot of stomachaches and sleepless nights! Somehow when it was all over, and the ball was in his court, I felt better even though we may have a rough road ahead and things may get very hard with him. I think my mom would have been proud...she was never afraid to stand up for what she believed in.I miss her.
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Hi Donnalee,
I wanted to respond to your post, I do understand how you construed my post...
What I've mentioned briefly in other posts but not in this one is that there's a lot of water under the bridge leading up to my mom's passing. They did not have a great marriage. Athough he was a great dad, he was a pretty lousy husband most of the time. There was never any abuse per say, but there was drinking in the early years, days of the silent treatment to my mom, and even a few Christmases when her stocking was empty and she did not get any gifts from him b/c he was "mad" at her. Then when he retired early, he kind of parked himself at the kitchen table with his computer and his remote control, didn't shower often and expected Mom to wait on him. And an example of an incident; Mom was an avid gardener, and at the lake house Mom made friends with a lovely man and expert gardener down the road (who was happily married), and after a few weeks my dad threw a fit of jealousy, sort of accused her of possibly cheating and embarrassed her so much that my mom just ended the friendship. She was mortified. Yet she was feisty and independent and she went out and was active, had friends and did her thing.
But finally (and I've told this story on this forum before), while she was sick she made her goal building an enclosed porch on the lake house. Bottom line is my dad refused to listen to her about it, he had already decided she was going to die in his mind, and could only focus on that. Also he finally had a little control over her and he resented the lake house, so why even consider it (whether he was thinking that consciously or not). They had a huge blowout and my dad told her she was spoiled and she'd always gotten everything she wanted. I cannot tell you how UNTRUE that is, the irony makes me laugh (bitterly). My mom dedicated most of her life to her family and for him, she was an incredible human being. After that fight, I saw Mom's feisty spirit kind of drain from her body, then she pulled it together, acted mentally fine (for us children) and went on to die soon after. She did this to protect us. In reality I believe she would have left him had she been well enough, that was the final straw.
The lake was her refuge, her home away from home, where she had family and friends and her old hometown and beauty. She made it hers, everything in it is HER. He never gave a hoot about it.
Sure, I don't love my dad dating - and yeah, the fact that he's now showering daily, uses toothpaste, has gone to the dentist and is on the treadmill every day since he started dating I find a bit ironic...since Mom made it known how much his lack of personal hygiene and his refusal to move bothered her in the latter years. And the fact that he calls himself a "hot property" among all the internet widows, etc. etc. - I don't know, just not real appropriate to say to your daughters. But you know, it is what it is, and I've actually started to accept that he's dating. However, my my mom was clear on her final wishes to us, which were to keep the lake house for us girls (and Dad, of course). She told my sister that she knew Dad would find someone else because he couldn't be alone and wanted someone to take care of him. She was very wise. But she always charged us with fighting for the things that she treasured and cherished. She worried so much about that.
So yeah, on paper this may not sound reasonable, and who says it all is - and I certainly understand what you're saying, I really do...and believe it or not, I'm not against my dad being happy. I guess we have one thing in mind at this point, after all that has happened...and that's to honor Mom's wishes and also preserve for us the things that are sacred. Because frankly they aren't sacred to Dad. I've learned from my husband and his widowed dad remarrying, that if you don't speak up, you'll have regrets. In that case we barely managed to salvage the treasured family pictures, everything else went in the trash, was sold in a yard sale or was given to her children...so I guess I'm a little jaded....
Just wanted to kind of present the other side of things, I can't say you're 100% wrong...but I felt the need to qualify all that is happening...thanks so much for weighing in.
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Thank you, Randy, your hugs and positive thoughts mean so much!
I know that I sound like I don't get along with my dad, but somehow I've been able to compartmentalize all of this up until now, and love the dad side of him...but now it's all coming together in a big muddled mess...and I hate it. I hate how direspectful I sound when I write about him - but that's how I feel half the time. I managed to put together what I think is a concise "agenda" tonight and I feel a little better about going into this somewhat prepared.
My mom would want us to fight for this, I know it.
The reality is, I just want my mom...and I want things to be the way they were. Don't we all just want that? I guess we wouldn't be here on this board otherwise...
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Well, tomorrow is D-Day. My sisters and I are going over to my dad's house to go through the things we consider heirlooms (we've made a list) and my dad is very agreeable to that. The reason being is that I believe after one month of dating the first person he's been with other than my mom for 55+ years, he is feeling the need to divest himself of his main residence and possibly take off to Florida to live with this person in her other home (of which he's only seen pictures of). Now my Dad has always been a big talker, so who knows if any plan would ever get off the ground - this latest info is via my unfortunate younger sister, to whom he continues to go on and on about his new friend and their exploits...despite even my brother-in-law asking him to cease and desist.
Most of you guys know that our biggest concern is the lake house my mom so loved and made her own. Frankly, I don't care if dad sells their primary residence and moves, I would actually prefer it b/c it is no longer a real house to me without my mom in it. However, our mom wanted the lake house to be our legacy, and we all know Dad always resented it (for reasons too complicated to go into)...and as I mentioned since Mom is gone it has suddenly become my dad's prize in his large portfolio of chick bait. Well, in his ramblings to my sister, he mentioned "Yeah, I can sell the main house, I guess I only need one primary residence, and that can be the LAKE in the summer..." Assuming that he is serious about this person, I would think he would move her right in up there. I cannot tell you how unthinkable that is. It's like sacred ground to us, like being in a church where my mom's spirit is all around. The five lake houses next to us are all family (her aunt sold five lots to family about 50 years ago). My dad never appreciated that, he was always pretty jealous of her attachment to it, actually.
SO...my sisters and I are a wreck over this, and it really is our sticking point in this whole mess. We are meeting with him tomorrow at 5:00 to go through the stuff in the house, but we are going to talk to him about the lake and other things (unbeknownst to him). In all seriousness, we have agreed we cannot go up there if he brings her there. It's not about punishing him, it's about our emotional sanity. We need to convey this to him in a sane way, and I'm at a loss. I'm putting together a bullet form list, etc...but the reality is this is like a red button in a nuclear facility, just waiting to be pushed.
Any advice on how to approach this?
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Wow, Randy. What an amazing metaphor for our lives...thanks for sharing.
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I'm so very sorry for the loss of you beloved Dad...
I can only second what everyone has said, they really summed it up.
Sending you warm thoughts and many prayers tonight...
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Thanks guys...I didn't want to make anyone cry, but it's just kind of comforting and inspiring, huh?....
Stephanie - I have heard of "Motherless Mothers", and I keep meaning to check it out. I guess I haven't had the heart to yet, but I'm thinking I will try it very soon, now that you've mentioned it...and Sharon, please let me know how you like the Nonna book! Judy - I PM'ed you.
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It's on Amazon or in most book stores in the children's section. The title is "Everything is Different at Nonna's House" and the author is Caron Lee Cohen. The illustrations are wonderful. It's such a well-written, touching book...
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. It breaks my heart to read your post...
Please, please be kind to yourself. Someone wrote on here recently that sadly you can't get around the grief, you have to go through it. That phrase just struck me, it is so wise. Your pain is still so fresh, one month is a very short time in the span of this difficult journey...your deep love for Diana shows through on every post. I know what you mean about the healing thing - another phrase on this board that has always hit home is that your life eventually becomes a "new normal". You really aren't the same person you were before...
I feel like there's not much more I can say, I know your pain and it utterly stinks, quite frankly. Know that we are here when you need to vent, it really does help.
Sending you warm thoughts today....
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With all that's been happening with my Dad dating, bringing other women into my parent's house, etc...I found myself wandering up to my oldest son Kyle's room and taking his most special book off the shelf to read. It's called "Everything Is Different at Nonna's House". It's about a little boy who goes with his mommy to his Nana and Pop-Pop's house (my dad is actually Pop-Pop, too). His nana makes him feel so grown up, so special...he just revels in the unique love he gets from her, and all the special things they do together. (Ironically I gave this book to my mom right before she was diagnosed, thinking we'd have her forever...I couldn't believe how it paralleled Kyle's relationship with my mom.)
So I opened the book to have a good cry and I came across this passage that I'd forgotten about, and it has SO much more meaning now. I thought I would share it, and maybe some of you who have lost the nana to your little ones would take a small measure of comfort in it. The little boy and his nana are on a moonlit walk...
"Look, Nonna!" I put my hands up, and the whole moon fits into them. "I can hold it! Right here! See? The whole sky is different. Everything is different at your house."
"We have a wonderful sky," Nonna says. "But it's the same sky all over. And it's the same moon everywhere, even when you can't see it."
"No, it's different here," I tell her. "At your house, I'm a big boy!"
"It doesn't matter where you are," Nonna says. "You're the same big boy. And no matter where we are, we love you, even when we're far away. Remember that..."
So I cried anyway. Thinking about how much of a bigger boy my little guy is since my mom went to Heaven, and reminded through this book of the relationship they had. Their bond was priceless, and he may not even remember it. But either way, somehow, somewhere, she is always with him, watching over him...
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Carrie,
I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel. I will only offer what I know based on my experience, all are different....
You asked that hard question about end of life, it's so hard to answer and even think about, I know. I concur with others that the most important thing is to keep her comfortable. Hospice can help so much with that. I know this is a personal decision, but you may want to consider a hospice center. I fought tooth and nail against it because I wanted Mom to be home, and I lost that battle to the majority family vote...but since hospice comes once a day to the home and at the center they are there round the clock, I really ended up glad we went that route. I was so, so grateful for that. To have that professional care available to us 24/7 was so helpful.
In addition to the morphine, my mom recieved Ativan to ease her breathing. The combination seemed to make her more comfortable. She was also on a morphine pump, which automatically dispenses the medicine and can be adjusted as necessary.
Again, I know how hard this all is to even think about. My heart breaks for you and please know we are here for you when you need us. I don't post a lot on this on this topic but have made my way back....
Big, big hugs and lots of prayers...
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Sue,
I'm wiping the tears away as I write this. May today pass gently and with loving memories of your wonderful Mike.
(((Sue)))))
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She's here
in HOPE
HOORAY!!! I was looking at another subject on this board and spotted one of your posts and there was a picture of a baby - I was like WHAT? I'd been wondering where Keri was in the pregnancy and when some news would be coming...
CONGRATULATIONS on Dad-hood! Your life will never be the same, she will bring you love and joy like you've never known....
PS - She's gorgeous!
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What a wonderful post, so descriptive. It's so nice to hear about someone finding a place where they are truly happy, have many friends and feel entirely at home. My grandmother was widowed for 30 years, and although she eventually lived in a senior community, I don't think she was ever really happy or had a lot of friends.
I'm sure your family loved having you visit, and that they treasure the things you mentioned, the quilts, etc...that you worked so hard to aquire. It is all their memories, too, and I bet it means so much that you passed those things on to them!
Glad to hear you are doing well, I know what a rollercoaster this life can be now.
Thanks for checking in!!
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Aw, Sheri....
(((SHERI))))
And I actually stood up for what I felt and thought, and confronted my dad, which I've only done one other time (regarding my mom's funeral arrangements). I am by nature a very emotional person and I get fired up about things, but I'm not good at confrontations, so that makes for a lot of stomachaches and sleepless nights! Somehow when it was all over, and the ball was in his court, I felt better even though we may have a rough road ahead and things may get very hard with him. I think my mom would have been proud...she was never afraid to stand up for what she believed in.
She's gone..
in GRIEF
Posted
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. It sounds like you were very close to her and I know that pain you feel is so deep...And I'm so sorry she did not get to meet her grandbaby in person, but I'm sure she has met that little one in heaven..after all, that's where all babies start out...
There are a few of us on this board who have lost our moms when we were pregnant - it is so very difficult. Just know that when that little one arrives, it will be bittersweet for sure, but he or she will bring you such joy and hopefully a trace of healing as time goes on.
Many, many thoughts and prayers going out to you today...