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MomsGirl

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    Stuck Between Fear and Comfort

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Okay, everyone, I don't know if this is normal...

    I have all these conflicting feelings on death since I've lost Mom. On one hand, I am now terrifed of getting cancer, and dying in general, because losing Mom made me feel my mortality...and mostly because I have three small children, and I think something clicks on when you give birth that makes you completely selfless. Your biggest fear of dying is leaving your children behind without you. I don't feel sorry for myself when I think about it as much as I feel guilty and horrified of leaving them without a mother.

    On the flip side, my fear of actual death has decreased in a way, because I feel like my mom is waiting for me and I will go see her again when I die. Even despite my serious doubts about the afterlife, and is she really out there or just GONE (I wrestle with that every day)...despite all that, I still have this feeling that she will be there for me. When she was in the ambulance going to hospice they almost lost her, and she whispered to my sister "They're waiting for me", meaning her Mom and Dad.

    God, I just miss her so much, and I have such pain now because I feel like I am getting more used to life without her than life with her. And that hurts even more. How I HATE it. She's becoming a memory...

    So hard...

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    It's good to hear from you again. And I know, I hate this disease too. So very much...

    I'm sorry that you are feeling such pain, I can't offer wonderful words of wisdom or comfort because I'm feeling it too, and it stinks. I can only offer you warm thoughts and empathy, and the knowledge that you are not alone in this. My mantra over my mom lately seems to be, "She would want me to be HAPPY, she would want me to be happy..." I try every day to honor that, and some days I'm much less successful than others...

    Hang in there...

    It's Over.

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    I love what Kelly said about your dad already meeting your little ones. I remember being very pregnant, a month after I lost Mom, crying to my Godmother over my mom never meeting this baby. She just shook her head and said in her very British accent, "What do you think all that kicking is about? Everyone knows that angels and unborn babies are the best of playmates...your mom met that little one the minute she left this earth..."

    Keep posting Andy, and don't worry about "bringing everyone down". I used to worry about that too, but that's what this board is about..venting, giving and receiving support, sharing your sad, happy, and/or meaningful experiences. It really helps sometimes to write it down and get it out...

    Hang in there...

    It's Over.

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Andy, I am so, so sorry about your beloved Dad. And naming your son after him is the greatest honor you could bestow on him...I know he would be proud.

    (((Andy)))

    Where I'm At

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Leslie,

    I think we all totally get where you are coming from. Like you with your dad, I talked to my mom almost every day, and she was touchstone, my rock - a huge part of me and my everyday life. We said I love you every time we hung up the phone. She was completely wrapped up in my kids, and they adored her. Losing that is just mindblowing, it rocks your world beyond all reason. "Free fall" is exactly the right phrase to describe it.

    I read your follow-up post and I'm glad you are doing a little better. In answer to your question...I think it IS a total rollercoaster. And as Kelly mentioned, it becomes more "managable". I wish I could say it gets a lot easier and the pain fades into only happy memories (you know, like all those stupid sympathy cards say...), but I haven't found it to be that simple. Just hang on to your loved ones and don't be afraid to lean on them when you need to. Let your husband know you'll continue to need him and his empathy and love, and that he'll never be able to predict when you will need it the most. It's a very tough thing for a newly married couple to go through (my mother-in-law passed away ten days after our wedding). And as far as dealing with it when your really on the low side - I can't really think of any great or helpful advice. You just have to let it flow, as agonizing as it is. I really believe you have to go through through that to get to higher ground in the future....

    Just want you to know I am thinking of you and feeling your pain...I wish I could make it better. Take care of yourself, let yourself grieve freely when you need to. Many hugs,

    Do it for Papa!

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Sheri, I'm so sorry. I know where you are in all this, when the fog starts to lift and reality sets in. My mom died in the summer, too, and it was winter when I really fell apart. My heart breaks for you. If it's any comfort whatsoever, we are here, and we all get it...

    (((Sheri))))

    The crib

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Wow, Nick, I had to wipe away some tears after reading that....

    You did it, though. You laid another stone in the path leading to parenthood, to bringing this beautiful baby into the world. And you did with your mom there. Because after reading your story, I believe she WAS there.

    I just don't know what else to say. I was so moved by your post...

    1 year today

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Cheryl,

    I'm glad you celebrated her life, what a brave and wonderful thing to do with your family. She would have loved that. I know exactly...exactly how you feel about not seeing her again and the time that has passed. You can't even explain it to someone that hasn't gone through it. It's surreal.

    I echo Nick's thoughts, I can't believe it's been a year. Hugs and prayers to you tonight...

    What did you keep plus other comments on my day

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Oh Leslie, I know how hard that is. I'm so sorry you had to go through it. To reverse the question...what did you end up keeping?

    I take Pumpkin's visit as a sign - Mom was watching over you...

    With regard to your question...yes, my sisters and I kept some things. I have a bin of her clothing - things that I have her wearing in special pictures, a pair of capri pants she bought on our last shopping trip (she had to get bigger ones b/c she was so swollen - I don't think she ever got to wear them, they were so adorable on her), one of her little nighties, the Outer Banks shirt that was the last thing I saw her in before she left her house forever, things like that. I also kept her winter coat, which still has some of her hair in the hood and smells like her. I go to the closet sometimes and just inhale her smell...I know someday the scent will probably be gone... I also kept her Estee Lauder powder that she wore since I was little - the smell just transports me to the security and love of my childhood. I have her mother's ring, with all the kids birthstones.

    Recently I was getting ready to make a huge batch of cookies. I did not have a bowl big enough and I called my dad to borrow the big yellow Pyrex bowl my mom always used. (Circa 1960's). He brought it over and when I went to make the cookies, I found myself hugging that bowl to my chest and crying...I realized in that moment what it represented. All the times Mom would let us help her make her amazing cookies, all the meals of Shepherd's Pie and goulash she baked in it...it was more "her" than anything I had. It represented happiness and love and security and warmth. I still haven't given it back.

    I also have other random things that people that haven't lost someone would think are strange, but that I treasure...

    Sending you hugs tonight..

    Still Muddly

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Muddly...what an appropriate word. As usual, you summed it all up.

    My mom lost her 46-year-old dad when she was only 21, when she was pregnant with her second child - she was a total daddy's girl (the only daughter) and living far away from home, with a military husband who was gone a lot. I could see the pain in her face every time she talked about losing him - I think she was feeling what the older woman in that book you mentioned was feeling - she missed him every day, every minute, even as an older woman...

    Close to the end of her illness, my mom coded in the ambulance on the way to hospice (although she didn't pass away then). My younger sister Deb was with her, and Mom was incoherant with her eyes closed, but at the moment she was coding she said, "Just one more string of lights...they're waiting for me." Deb said, "Who, Mom?" and the response was, "My mom and dad..."

    I try to take a small measure of comfort in that, thinking my mom had her parents up there waiting for her with open arms, and also that my mom is up there and I will see her again someday, although I know for us someday could be very far away.

    But you know what, it still just hurts, living in THIS world without her. Just want you to know I understand, I get it, I know the "muddly" feeling so well...

    Christmas Party!!!

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    My mom would bring of those hard plastic Christmas cookie plates, covered with red-tinted saran wrap, and filled with the most fattening, delicious assortment of holiday baked goods you can imagine, all of which she made without even looking at a recipe, because she had been doing it so long. Plus little personal gifts for everyone there, she would know exactly what everyone likes. And she would bring all of her boundless energy and nurturing ways, and she would never sit down to relax because she'd have to be takin' care of business! She would pretend to be working on a glass of wine, her perfectly manicured pinky in the air with each sip...but she wouldn't make time to even catch a buzz. :) Too much to do, too much love to spread around!

    I'll tell you, this sounds like the ultimate, perfect Christmas party...a little bit of everything! Booze, story telling, good food, love, open mic and everything else...

    Thanks for suggesting this...after reading everyone's fantastic responses I was able to write this with a bit of happiness in my heart.

    Merry Christmas, everyone...

    Holiday Sadness

    in GRIEF

    Posted

    Hi everyone,

    Once again I've gone months without posting, but I've kept up on everyone and cried for those of you that have lost someone, and felt the pain of those of you on this journey we are all on. I can relate to so much of what everyone posts...

    As Christmas approaches, I wish everyone some peace in their hearts. I know that I am having a terrible time this year, my second without my mom. I've just started to drag out the Christmas stuff, and my kids are so excited and I know I have to do it for them. I was never one to buy the little talking reindeer, etc., but boy my mom was. I inherited her talking Rudolph that she loved to show my older son when he was a little guy, and when I made it "talk" my one-year-old his jaw just dropped and his eyes almost popped out of his head. He could not reach for it fast enough. Instead of being happy I was just so terribly sad! I can't listen to Christmas music, going to the mall is torture (we had so many good memories there with the kids) - I'm going through the motions but I'm just not emotionally there. It's so true what is said about the first year looking back, and then the second year you start to look forward and it's like being hit with another bombshell - looking FORWARD, you see the rest of your life without this person. That pain is a different but equal kind of unbearable.

    I think I was so wrapped up in my newborn last year I was able to block a lot out. Now that former newborn is precariously walking and babbling, and he needs his nana to kiss his little cheeks and sneak him cookies...how she would adore him. It hurts SO much not having her with the kids. My four-year-old daughter went for her ballet picture today - hair in a bun, pincurls on the side, tiny sparling tiara and pale pink satin ballet dress with a long sparkling tulle skirt. She was breathtaking, and I just stood in the studio and openly cried watching her and all the other little girls. Will I ever be happy about these events again? Will they always make me cry, wishing my mom could be there to see it? My daughter's winter recital is next week and I'm afraid I will just sob through the whole thing.

    And then there's that unconditional love thing that is just gone. My husband and I argued in Home Depot yesterday and the whole way home I looked out the window with tears streaming down my face thinking, I just want my MOM. I want that unconditional, non-judgmental love you get from only her, only her. (Not that my husband doesn't love me unconditionally - he is wonderful - but I think you guys know what I mean.) Your mom is your mom.

    So enough about all this..I guess I just wanted to let you all know what special people you are. This board is just amazing, and I find myself feeling everyone's pain no matter where they are in this journey...and there are always people to pick them up off the floor and give them a gentle little push.

    I love that...you guys just get it. And I'm so miserable right now that I had to vent. I'm tired of crying lately, but I can't help myself. It's like my life will never be full again without my mom in it, no matter how much better I am getting...there will alway be a sadness.

    Good night, all...

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