t_beanes

thank you so much!All the best! T

Hi Susan! I was wondering as well ..as you could read ...the last entry said he was going to post some more ..... hm ... T

Happy Thanksgiving to you and everyone on the board T

its been a long time again...where are you?How are you? Regards T

we are in nov now....sorry to say that ...but as I am moving around europe i always look into this thread ,hoping to read more ...must be some kind of dependancy....hey joking ..just ..huh? just ? luv your posts...have been looking at some of berlins museums lately ....wow ..anyhow leaving regards here for you

there you are!!!!!glad u managed to get the cruise under your belly..with all the treatment going on....thank you for feeding my head again.. T

Down here in Spain/Europe docs recommend flu shots to lc patients and their relatives as well. It seems to be the norm. Regards T

hm...waiting patiently .....T

sitting on the fence waiting ..mind sailing away..

Yes, so glad!!! Will start swimming back to Spain now

Doug enjoy with your brother.....waiting for your words and explanation .. Patkid thank you as well for helping...

is there any way to find out what is happening??does anyone know someone who could find out?? may be not may be yes ..just asking..may be to much

in my mind also

the same here...i have read every word in your journals...please come back ....

long time no word of you....how was the sail watching?..and what is happening now? Regards T

hi there!! yes...I can relate ..somehow when I am traveling in my memories it is like being in a safe place ,a world I know and lived in for 20 years..a totally different world to the one I am in now..not that"now" is unsafe - its just cold and a life in bits. When our dog Charly left me in October, I turned into a crazy traveller seeing friends and family in Germany and Britain. I did that on a regular basis either by plane or by car. Just to keep busy.Just not to give me time to think. I even started smoking again as it did not matter anymore..(which I have since given up again.) We moved house whilst Richard was already ill and are(tzzzz I am) now living some 1000km north of our old home and friends there.So far I have not met a great deal of people here and "widowed people"are difficult to deal with.(huh) I cannot remember any direct dreams of Richard...I dream, but mostly strange technical stuff .. ..it is somewhat related to him though...like dreaming of a software, which could tape memories onto films...so that you can actually watch them on a tv-screen (together whith friends) - what ever you remember of your life together. It is difficult to put a dream into words ...I feel it perfectly clear but to communicate it, is different. Same as you I do not think this pain will get less..for some people it gets better.. as not all relationships are the same. Love is different for all of us and intensity of relationship various too.There is such a plethora of difference in the way we deal with grief. Some say its like a rock which has fallen onto us and we have to hammer away at it day by day .At some stage the rock will be small enough to be picked up and put into the pocket of ones trousers. Well maybe I have been hammering on my head instead of on the rock??? I am probably not answering your post..it touched my eyes .. Sending regards T PS.What you are telling about his sons is dreadful..they seemed not to care at all.

great news!!! thank you for being in touch...hold on in there..salaams T

Cindy,it must have felt as if someone pulled the plug on you...after so much time "nothing" ,because of a stupid mistake for which you cannot even blame yourself.I would have had the lawyer with salt and pepper...I am sorry for you T

I have been reading all of your posts resulting in varying tummy and facial muscle contractions. Sending you supportive brain waves from across the ocean. T

love your sense of humor!! T

thinking of you often ...hope you hang in there T

Thanks for your answers!Much enjoyed reading them! As I mentioned before ,I am still around but have abstained from writing as there are really no news but the old ones.Stale! I think too that this "longing" will never go away.It has become part of being me. The only good news which happened in the meantime are that I have been able to read an entire book again....without forgetting constantly what I read before.I had started to worry about the state of my grey matter. And the garden with its depressing(!!)weed situation is under control too. I have gone beserk workwise and finally attracted a good old friend to come and visit. He is called lumbago and calls the shots now.So in other words I am back under control now and don't knacker myself to the point of falling asleep in the garden chair at night. It is still very hot her and all I do now is contemplating, what to do with my life. You must be thinking of s.th. similar yourselves? Have you done anything again you weren't able to do ? Be in touch again..providing Windows Service pack 2 does not put a stop on my computer.....still having to download it. Regards T

I am still visiting here ...just silently.I have noticed that my physical pain has subsided. The emotional havvock is still the same. Does anyone feel similar after that time has past? I was reading that some people have started to feel better? It must be different for all of us. Anyway....regards Bettina

sorry for not answering straight away. I fell onto the iron grid they put down for building my terasse.So my right arm and leg hurt nicely and writing is slow with my left hand. Wanted to thank you all for your answers! Terrible to read that your father got it too Shelliem.And yes I understood your message. I will be reading in the near future but not posting a lot..... Many regards to all. Tina

Thank you for responding! It is like falling into one hole after the other and trying to climb back out again.Its such a long row of holes. I don't think I need professional help though....I have tried that once when my mother died with 50 years of age....I don't need their labels.....I am playing ping pong with my mind most days and see that I am at the bottom of a rather black pot right now.If I don't convince myselfnobody from the outside will. I have always found my own way or we have found ours. Yes I have thought about looking after people who have no one.At the moment I am looking after a young family with a 5 year old boy who is just getting over a difficult heart OP.Missing two valves in his heart he was down to 71 % oxygen....Gortex tube straight to the lung was put in..... Mother out of her wits ....it does help helping. I was thinking to help cancer patients ...but don't know if I am strong enough for that. This is what Richard and I spoke about.He always had in mind doing charity work. Today I make a bit more sense to myself again. You know, I don't feel any different now than I felt 8 months ago in terms of missing Richard.The only thing which has changed is that I am able to run normal things better.Like shopping , cooking- trivial stuff which I was not able to even touch anymore(I lived on grilled chicken from a take away for months....every day the same). How is that for you ?Every thing concerning us is as painfull as ever and turns up all day long when he normally would have been involved as well. This is getting rather long ...sorry for that. No I am not blasting myself of this planet yet....people who want to do that don't talk about it?I don't know. I have to be responsible...and apart from our dog I have a father ...far away but even though. Thank you so much for holding mental handys with me !I very much appreciate!!!!! Good night for now...heavy snow coming down ...unusual here...need to rescue plants. B