t_beanes

I have read the article and I think he is absolutely right....all the questions I ever get about my husbands death of lund cancer begin always with the same question : smoke or no smoke.Ah well..... It is altogether a very complex subject involving goverment taxes as well as advertising , tobacco industry etc etc. I am so sorry to read that he died!

for staying in contact !I so much appreciate to talk to friends who understand.It does not feel so isolated and excluded. Yers, I might still be fighting, but it feels more like as if I just let things happen to me...not like actively doing s. th. to help myself. Well that is the way it feels. What I notice is that I am talking the whole time with him ....I don't want him to get distant from me. Sometimes I think it hurts so much because both of us are feeling the separation and suffer from it.As if that was possible. I think I told you before that I am not a believer, nor was Richard....I just think dispair brings me to think things like that.... All our sailing brought us so close together ..we never needed to rely on others.So now I am seeking him ...again. I read that all of this is part of the process of grieve...that realy sounds mecanistic. I know too that in my memory I will carry him for ever ...nobody can interfere with that in giving me stupid advice like : letting go. Hoping very much that you are holding out all the treatments and wishing everyone the best with all my heart. Bettina

Days went past and all I was able to do was spending time in shops or overorganizing my life....just to avoid being idle and cry all day. Than I met an acuaintance of ours who gripped me and put a huge job on top of me. I have hardly the time of day left...but it helps not looking like an overcooked lobster in my face from all my tears. I think it is so hard because I am without anybody like family and our friends all come from the sailing community ...hence are on the high seas or where ever in the world right now. It is just my dog and me in a new house ...not knowing the neighbours either. I don't know if I can hold out in this job ...it is the first time in 20 years that I have a job...but it keeps my thoughts busy and I stop for a while missing Richard. Each time I think about life I keep looking for him and dispair.It is so painfull. I am still reading the boards when I come home at night .....this is one thing I feel attached to because I can imagine so well what everyone is going through. It is only like yesterday and I have often to remind myself that I am not fighting anymore. It is a cacao of feelings ...always new situations develop which I don't know how to handle.Someone said to me that I have to invent myself again.I rather stay the way I am. What I wanted to mention as well is that I think the wall of memory is such a good idea!!! I felt greatfull having the oportunity to post there. Well of to work I go....hopefully the people keep not asking about my circumstances...I think they were told...it makes me vulnerable i.e. cry. You are in my thoughts. Bettina

I just opened the fridge this afternoon to find chicken jelly from a meal I made for a friend yesterday. I broke out into tears because Richard loved to eat that ...even during Chemo. Just sat on the kitchen floor dispairing once again.And Richard is away since February.....all you are saying happened to me too in one form or another. I started not to tell anything anymore.Just keep my mouth shut.It does not get any better.Not in my case. Richard was 9,5 years older then me and we both never felt that. I am still catching myself wanting to buy things which he would have liked to eat. It is so painfull.

Hello Kathy, I have so far felt that I am dregged through time, that it is not me - that it is not true changes with knowing only to well. My mind tries to convince me that he still is somewhere nearby ...but I know that this is not true.Not for my way of seeing things. I want to keep him alive as much as I can in my mind. All I can say to you is what helps is to stay busy with simple things. Try to make yourself tired and there is nothing you should not be doing.If you feel like fotos - do that.I made myself cry sometimes because I needed it. Not that this happened as a decision taken , no I just followed what came into my head. Concentration , or reading books about loss etc were things which did /do not work anymore. To think what Richard would have done now ,sometimes helped.Nobody can suffer for you or even imagine what this means you are going through.You can share parts of it with people in the same situation. Others I heard have joint groups to talk about their loss. Richard died in february and I am as sore as right after it, which is normal as far as I know it. I give you an internetted hug ....Tina

Hello again ! After 10 weeks I have made it back ...a few 7000km...It really turned out to be a flight or I should say a way to have my mind doing other things but brood. Trying to escape reality...and what I found where very few people being able to deal with Richard's death and me. Mostly they wondered that he was still so much part of my life and in my thoughts.As if one could just wipe 20 years out of ones life ....That would be as if I had not lived either in that time. People can be so strange.Death is almost an untouchable subject, as if it did not happen to all of us. But no, no great response and at the end I stopped trying to even mentioning him.Which is difficult because the brain comes up with so many examples in which he played a role as well. Well, what I really was able to enjoy was Berlin and my old school friend there...bizarrly , once I left her companion, 69 years of age was diagnosed with imminent danger of heart attack and even more bizarr, when I visited friends in Dijon, France . He looked very ashen and shaky and had a pulse of 132 ....no I need no doc ...no I am well....We managed to talk on the phone with his doc in Germany who said : Testament and head in sand or immediately back to Germany and straight into the clinic. What a job to convince him ..well he went and is safe now. Hey, I better stay away from people ...or may be I should carry on ??? When arriving at the french boarder to Spain I did not want to drive across and face our house...so I stayed another night in a hotel until I was able to master the emtions. Now it is the big black whole again...lonelyness..and no one to care for.No one means RICHARD to care fore as nobody could replace him. I think the only happy one here is Charly our pooch ...happy because so many homes we stayed in meant so many potential new places to live.Now she has her things around her she seems much better. Anyway I must go on reading the message boards to get back on track with you!! Many fond regards Tina

A friend came along for the first part of the trip with her husband in a new camper van ....we made it in one "big "jump to the swiss border. During the night (I slept on the back seat of the car ....really recomendable for past 45 year old ones ) my friend suffered a very painfull heart condition but refused to go to the hospital in Bern. Once we arrived at her home town (300km onwards)she did go in and the docs found, that only half her heart worked etc etc . She spent over a week in hospital ....I was so áfraid that it was s.th. else. Having been through all the problems in the last year one seems to be always fear for the worst ....she is a heavy smoker too. Now I she is stable again and I will be heading off to the north of Germany and start to see friends and family. Internet Cafes are not that frequently to be found or identified and are real armpit theatres as it is stifeling hot here at the moment. I am only given 30 min to play with and send all my best wishes to you. Bettina

with our car and our dog Charlina. I think it might help to be in more contact to other people, although I am afraid of meeting people I last saw together with Richard. Normally that would happen every day around you, but as we are living abroad since more than 20 years ...moving house frequently and having lived onboard a boat ....our friends are in every wind direction as well. So in a way I feel like bringing the news of Richards death personally... I think it that way... Well the real reason for writing is to let you know that I will be in contact via internet cafees if and when I find them on route. I will be in northern Spain, France and Germany.Wishing you good luck. Bettina

Beeing on anothe time schedule becomes obvious ...Don I wish and wish and wish that all goes well today for you two.... I don't know when you get the results ...here it takes half a day for this kind of scan ....I always turned into a water spout when wec were lucky again . So all my good luck thoughts to you both ......will come and check on you tomollow ....! Bettina

Hi Dave There is one other thing which might help you. My husband used the softest tooth brushes we could get during this time fore not to add aditional sores to the mouths tissue. We used a mix of the Mycostatin which you keep in your mouth as long as possible and than swallow and the same in pills you can suck ...the condition is called Candida Albicans and you can see it when it is developing. On your tongue you will see little pools developing which start to become a carpet of white ....like having gras growing ....it will get less as you get further down the antidote route but it is back severely once you start treatment again . You need to battle it constantely. And do it early as you know it is a thing which spreads you need to stop it in its tracks than you control it. Regards Bettina

Please you two you must have luck on the road somewhere ....thank you for all the kind words you found for my situation . It helped a lot and made me realize that dispite being on my own physically I am not in reality. Now I wish you with all my will power and with all my wish power that things turn out alright for you . All my best Bettina

Adding my very best wishes that all turns out well....please Sending you and him strength in my thoughts. Bettina

My husband was on exactly the same drugs as well. He had this ringing in his ears as well . We went to see an ear doc who told him that this was a nerve problem. Similar to a tinnitus. People with diabetis could get it as well. It would go away again. Richard tried to eat tinned pears and peaches which were soft on the mouth and he could get them as diet version as well so they were not so sweet. We tried Actimel as well . . . a kind of yoghurt drink here in Europe. His food moods changed by the day if not by the hour . I just ran for anything which took his fancy just as quckly as he said it . It was easy because we lived only 3 miles away from a literally huge supermarket, We used thew days he was free of chemo taste to go out and have the most wonderful meals he had wished for. We invited friends on the last days before yet another chemo because that allowed him to live life as almost normal . There was a window of about 4 days before a new bang.Try all you can if you can...but you will anyway I'm sure

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.I have lost my husband in Feb and its hurts all the same.My thoughts are with you.Bettina

You are doing extremely well after all this flying at you ! Grizzing always let me get rid of to much tension and Richard and I often used it as a pressure release valve...sometimes one does not even know how much tension sits inside. I hope your own health has improved now ! That sounded quite horrendous.Many mistakes. It does not sound like only all about you.... you are in the middle of it all, so no wonder.I tried to take every day as it came and time was still flying past when it was good. Often words were not able to express feelings and touching said more. I wish you more of the strength you had already.

Don that was of great help to me....its identifying what lies behind such aproaches. What one sometime cannot do ,when so close to a person like father or mother. Its like beeing frozen in time ....and they always see oneself as not grown up ....I would love a third arm just growing out of the clouds shaking me awake when this happens.... Thanks again

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry, 1O.Oct 95 . Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision. British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA. Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!

What helps me is the strange thing which I keep telling myself and I told Richard at the time. "I DO NOT HAVE TO GO ON ...I CAN ALWAYS QUIT"I try and if it works fine, if not there are other possebilities. This pressure relieve valve thinking helped me so far. Richard asked me at the time how his "little one"was going to manage. We spoke about so many things mostly through the flowers so to make it not to painful and tearful. I don't know if you were able to do this ? We were very good friends apart from lovers. I do not want anyone else but I think you are very much younger and life has a lot of surprises still to come. I am already 46 years old and I had 20 years with my darlingeepoohs, as I called him sometimes.(he was 55). I just want him and my memories, never anyone else any more.There ..on go the waterworks again. By the way the weight loosing or rather not eating happens to me as well . I have lost 8 kilos already and am aparently underweight...could not give a bean.

http://www.eortc.be/ This is the european centre....I used to find out about things

http://www.imclone.com/bec2.html Richard and me travelled to the only place in Spain, which was doing this study, but we just did not fit the profil by one day.... So now it is closed. The FDA had a look at it and it has to undergo some more tests. So I it is in stage IV. One should be able to take part in that. On the http://www.eortc.be/ one can see who runs or ran the study here in Europe. I was in contact with them once ...may be one can find out where they accept participants. Of course we had discussed this a great deal beforehand and Richard was prepared to risk it.

I found that when Richard was still with me and it became a help for us.I hope it is ok to post it here. Richard liked it a lot. The Ten Commandments for Cancer Survival Paul H. Klein Excerpt from Cancer Shmancer Last Reviewed: February 5, 2002 1. Thou shalt regard the word, "Cancer", as exactly that: a word. Nothing more, nothing less. For its original meaning hast changed mightily over the years, as have such words as Smallpox, Tuberculosis. and Polio, all once dreaded ailments, now no longer fearsome for, to them, hast come The Answer. And thus, too, shall go thy cancer. The Answer shall come to those who shall be present to hear it. Be present to hear it when it comes. 2. Thou shalt love thy chemotherapy, thy radiation, thy monoclonal antibodies, thy vaccines, and thy other treatments even as thyself, for they are thy friends and champions. Although they may exact a toll for their endeavors, they are oft most generous in the favors they bestow. 3. Thou shalt participate fully in thy recovery. Thou shalt learn all the details of thy ailment, its diagnosis, its prognosis, its treatments, conventional and alternative. Thou shalt discuss them openly and candidly with thy oncologist and shalt question all thou do not comprehend. Then, thou shalt cooperate intelligently, and knowledgeably with thy doctor. 4. Thou shalt regard thy ailment as a temporary detour in thy life and shalt plan thy future as though this detour had not occurred. Thou shalt never, at no time, nohow, regard thy temporary ailment as permanent. Thou shalt set long-term goals for thyself. For thou will verily recover and thy believing so will contribute mightily to thy recovery. 5. Thou shalt express thy feelings candidly and openly to thy loved ones for they, too, are stricken. Thou shalt comfort and reassure them for they, too, needest comforting and reassurance, even as thou doest. 6. Thou shalt be a comfort to thy fellow-cancerites, providing knowledge, encouragement, understanding and love. Thou shalt give them hope where there may be none, for in hope lies their salvation. And by doing so, thou providest comfort for thyself, as well. 7. Thou shalt never relinquish hope, no matter how thou may feelest at that moment, for thou knowest, in the deep recesses of thy heart, that thy discouragement is but fleeting and that a better day awaits thee, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the day after tomorrow. 8. Thou shalt not regard thy ailment as the sum total of thy life but as merely a part of it. Fill thy life with other diversions, be they mundane, daring, altruistic, or merely amusing. To fill thy life with thy ailment is to surrender to it. 9. Thou shalt maintain, at all times and in all circumstances, thy sense of humor, for laughter lightens thy heart and hastens thy recovery. This is not an easy task, sometimes seemingly impossible, but it is a goal well worth the endeavor. 10. Thou shalt have enduring and unassailable faith, whether thy faith be in a Supreme Being, in Medical Science, in Thy Future, in Thyself, or in Whatever. Steadfastly sustain thy faith for it shall sustain thee.

I found this when Richard was still with me and it became our little helper...Richard liked it a lot and I would like to share it with you.I hope it is ok. The Ten Commandments for Cancer Survival Paul H. Klein Excerpt from Cancer Shmancer Last Reviewed: February 5, 2002 1. Thou shalt regard the word, "Cancer", as exactly that: a word. Nothing more, nothing less. For its original meaning hast changed mightily over the years, as have such words as Smallpox, Tuberculosis. and Polio, all once dreaded ailments, now no longer fearsome for, to them, hast come The Answer. And thus, too, shall go thy cancer. The Answer shall come to those who shall be present to hear it. Be present to hear it when it comes. 2. Thou shalt love thy chemotherapy, thy radiation, thy monoclonal antibodies, thy vaccines, and thy other treatments even as thyself, for they are thy friends and champions. Although they may exact a toll for their endeavors, they are oft most generous in the favors they bestow. 3. Thou shalt participate fully in thy recovery. Thou shalt learn all the details of thy ailment, its diagnosis, its prognosis, its treatments, conventional and alternative. Thou shalt discuss them openly and candidly with thy oncologist and shalt question all thou do not comprehend. Then, thou shalt cooperate intelligently, and knowledgeably with thy doctor. 4. Thou shalt regard thy ailment as a temporary detour in thy life and shalt plan thy future as though this detour had not occurred. Thou shalt never, at no time, nohow, regard thy temporary ailment as permanent. Thou shalt set long-term goals for thyself. For thou will verily recover and thy believing so will contribute mightily to thy recovery. 5. Thou shalt express thy feelings candidly and openly to thy loved ones for they, too, are stricken. Thou shalt comfort and reassure them for they, too, needest comforting and reassurance, even as thou doest. 6. Thou shalt be a comfort to thy fellow-cancerites, providing knowledge, encouragement, understanding and love. Thou shalt give them hope where there may be none, for in hope lies their salvation. And by doing so, thou providest comfort for thyself, as well. 7. Thou shalt never relinquish hope, no matter how thou may feelest at that moment, for thou knowest, in the deep recesses of thy heart, that thy discouragement is but fleeting and that a better day awaits thee, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the day after tomorrow. 8. Thou shalt not regard thy ailment as the sum total of thy life but as merely a part of it. Fill thy life with other diversions, be they mundane, daring, altruistic, or merely amusing. To fill thy life with thy ailment is to surrender to it. 9. Thou shalt maintain, at all times and in all circumstances, thy sense of humor, for laughter lightens thy heart and hastens thy recovery. This is not an easy task, sometimes seemingly impossible, but it is a goal well worth the endeavor. 10. Thou shalt have enduring and unassailable faith, whether thy faith be in a Supreme Being, in Medical Science, in Thy Future, in Thyself, or in Whatever. Steadfastly sustain thy faith for it shall sustain thee.

Hi Louise I guess if he wants to talk he will bring the subject up. At the moment he is probably just concentrating on the fight. Try to take one day at a time for not to feel outrun.He will need all your help. Huge amounts of good luck to you both !! Bettina

that is it ...all the time... cancer cannot eat the soul..I will keep this, thank you

Thank you all very much ...it is sometimes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide with me.. I guess...not a good comparison though. What I mean is that I have to live with myself and drowning in tears does not leave me this option ...so in a good moment I decided to find out, if I could get in contact with the spanish doc, who runs early detection of lung cancer trial in Pamplona /Spain( the only place in Spain). I will be heading there around Oct. this year and may be he has got an idea how I can do s. th. to help people here. I mean s. th. else than holding handy's...which is what the local hospital wanted me to do. Richard had told me that he would have liked to contribute s.th. I promised him that I would do it for him. So may be I can cook s.th. up. This gives me another outlook.. After a whole year of fighting against such a powerfull enemy and after so much hope ,it is an enormous drop into nothing to loose him. And I had hope dispite knowing the facts and survival rates.We were both believers in his particular luck..which proofed the pudding so often but failed this last time. Sorry if I hopp around in my thoughts I am still not back to my highly organized self ...which I was told is normal after a year like that. How is that for you ?