t_beanes

To Fay I was told that Hawking is telling about other forms of existence.In other words , as if there are ways to exists other than in our present outfit.Or plainly, - could Richard still be somewhere somehow? It seems though that I am on the wrong track. As religion cannot do it for me I thought to find answers there.But may be not the ones I am seeking. I can see out of which hope corner I am coming now. Before Richard died I always advocated that it is a on off chance we are living.We don t know where we were before nor what comes after our existence on this planet. Materia....but what,how does this work.What other form of intelligence can exist.Our horizons are so limited - mine is surely. Thank you for getting me out of that infantil corner anyway. B

Richard is dead since one year today. I cannot live without him anymore.I want him back so much.It is not bearable.I feel so terrible.Words and words spoken and thought into the silence.Useless.What is life all about now, but sitting and waiting for it to go past.To be together with him again, albeit not in the same way any more.But at least being like him. I am raking my brain to find answers.Going to buy Stephan Hawking latest book. Want to understand what universe means. My heart is hurting. If I would not have our little dog I would just go.Do some rubbish.It is like being in my own prison.In a cage. Nothing can help I know that. Bye for now B

Experimental Lung Cancer Vaccine Shows Promise Scientists have developed an experimental vaccine that could be used to block the progress of lung cancer. A small study suggests it could delay the recurrence of tumors in patients with non-small cell lung cancer, the most common form of the cancer. Doctors called the research, published in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute, encouraging. Currently, treatment options for patients with this type of lung cancer are limited. Scientists from the University Medical Center in Dallas, Texas, who carried out the study, said this was the first time a vaccine had been shown to be effective against this type of cancer, according to a BBC report. The researchers followed 43 patients -- 10 who had early-stage cancer and 33 who had advanced stage cancer. Surgeons removed their tumors and the patients were then injected with a vaccine that included cells from their tumor and a gene called CM-CSF, which changed the surface of the cells to help the body identify them as cancerous. The body's immune cells then began to recognize, attack and destroy the cancer cells in the lungs. The patients were given an injection of the GVAX vaccine every two weeks for three months. A small number of patients were still free of cancer three years after they were vaccinated. In others, the vaccine appeared to delay the recurrence of cancer for several months. The research, which was designed to look at the vaccine's safety, was funded in part by Cell Genesys, a pharmaceutical company that hopes to produce it. ----- Copyright © 2004 ScoutNews, LLC. All rights reserved. Last Updated: February 21, 2004 Copyright© 1994-2000 HealthCentral.com. All rights reserved.

Crazy English An Excerpt from the Introduction by Richard Lederer [Many of these are mere wordplay, but several are linguistic anomalies. One interesting thing the author doesn't note is that in English one tells a lie, but the truth. Try explaining that to a six-year-old. -ojo] Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going. Found this when surfing ....hope it works..Tina

I am sending all my best wishes from Spain's \Barcelona area to you.Not that it matters where they are from but I have picked up that you have decided for no therapyand,having expirienced what it cannot do,I would have never attempted it. We , my husband and me tried it,but did not know, what it cannot do. Docs in Germany told us once , that in years to come they will talk about nowadays methods - shuddering Which did not stop us in our desperate search for help. I hope very much you are doing the right thing for youself and that you are keeping the cancer at bay. Many fond regards Bettina

I am very sorry to hear that the battle is over. I thought things were getting sticky when I read you went to the hospice. For the one at his side it is as time has frozen as if things could still turn around - but cannot. It is a time where one has no expierience with . I hope you can try to get strength one day from your memories and your believe. Even knowing all the time what comes our way does not help easing the pain once it is there. Not in my case anyway.I feel for you and press my thumbs for you to be able to deal with your pain. Big hugs Bettina

for answering ! This evening is so terrible again.I decided to get back on the computer to ocupy my brain \or what is left of it. I know we all have the same problem one way or the other. We all deal with it differently. You know it sounds terrible but I have decided that whenever I get hit by the same, which is very likely, than I will just sit it out. Since about Oct last year I started smoking again....just as we had said I would do ...... when I told Richard I would come after him. He asked me how and said I would start the weed again.Well, I did, when coming back from my long journey and getting to the french /spanish border I was unable to go back to the new house and its boxes and unfinishedness. I started again after 2 years...having given up before Richard got ill. There is no happyness any more and I think the way that our 20 years were the most happy of our/my life . I need no more and want no more, Why hang around .I can do anything I like. Our dog is my only responsebility.And she is getting on with her 12 years already, Sorry for sounding so glum.I am not feeling sorry ...just matter of fact really. Trying to read now or whatever. Regards to you Bettina

I bought 3 huge red roses for Richard like I did last year when he was still alive. He has cried when I came into the hospital room with them and a letter I had written the previous night. Standing there yesterday with my flowers in my hand in front of the urne ....I just flipped. I know I am crazy but its not that I provoke this sitruation to hurt myself ....I feel I need to be in contact with him ...let him know that I love him deeply, so I even do things in the real world. Not just speaking to him in my thoughts. It is so unreal not to have him anymore. I even thought that he has until the 28.02. to live ....which is when he passed away last year. Reliving it all .Reading in my diary every day. Same like Katy I am nuts about life otherwise , working all day long in the garden or the house, or cleaning the car or what ever I can get hold of. Got gardeners in to help me brake up the ground, someone else to come and build a terrace.....planting bulbs , putting seeds into flower pots.....just busy busy.....like being afraid to stop. At night I get about 4 hours sleep before the big wheel starts rolling again in my mind and I get up ...starting my days at 5 in the morning... I tried to get more sleep drinking some beer at night but that makes me cry even more. All the things I do ask for words said by Richard...we always decided everything together. Developed ideas together. So would he like this or that is all I can think of. When no answer comes I feel lost again. Don't know what else to say....boring sameness....sorry for that.A time I thought that I was getting better but I am back in it.All this activity is covering.At least that is what I think....on the other hand I cannot cry more.So what would it cover ? Wishing you every good thing under the sun...and thank you for giving me time... Bettina

Hello Norm, I read that you were with Buddy in the hospice and feared for you. So sorry to hear that Buddy is so bad! Sending you both all the strength I can think of. He feels that you are there with him. Bettina

Thank you for replying......you are probably sound asleep right now...strange those time zones.... I realized today that I try to be cheerfull with people....so as not to let them look inside. The world turns and every day I feel like standing beside it watching.Holding him in my arms, trying to protect him (huh...the one who always protected me...). telling him that I am still with him.Like when I said to him once when he was still with me : I feel as if we will wlways be together....He felt the same. Telling him that he is not alone.As if I have got us into a place for ourselves. May be it is that void place..I mentioned. Why is it that human beeings are not made to be islands ?Why do we need to love and give love? Must be connected to the past to asure survival in an environment that was very hostil to begin with. But the stupid thing is that when staring into the fact that life comes to an end....then we are back to realizing that we are indeed totally on our own. That our life and its burdens are intirely ours...nobody can come in to comfort or indeed help. What a misfit. Well if that is the right word for it. I am trying to sort through my different approaches to see what I am actualy doing. There is no cure as we all know.Life means one and a thousand different ways to handle things - death has no options any more. So I am trying to find a way dispite "no options" and find out that it does not work.Congratulations.... Sorry I think I am biting my tail....Don't want to bore.Just clearing brain and handing out exhausted thoughts I guess. Weekend is over soon....Will go into my unrained upon garden and snip away on some roses which are in desperate need for care. And will go into the garage to paint some more pictures .....all in brown and black so far...really ugly...but that is what comes out. I let it happen. Many regards and much appreciated your answers ! It helps so much to have a place to go to. Adios Bettina

yes, back from working. Meaning I don't go there anymore. It was such a mess of a job and it converted me into even more of a problem to myself.There was no more time for internet, reading or anything else.I felt constantly chased. So I have taken to attacking house issues again...like getting curtains hung etc....now not more living in an aquarium or at night in a safe...constantly with the shutters down.Then I turn around and ask myself for whom the hack do I do all this. As if Richard would come back one day.....Days go by and I am re-living our last months.Soon there will be the first aniversary of his death coming.My brain does not accept it.The words sound strange and meaningless like made of plastic. Richard once said to me : Somehow you have the easy part and somehow the difficult one. Life is so empty ....I still don't know any people other than those on the internet. Here everyone is very much involved in family and foreigners are foreigners.It is very rural. May be I have to learn to talk to myself or write .....well that is one thing I do: Writing to my mother in law who lives in the UK about 4 letters a week. She cannot get over it either.Her eldest and dearest son. I am still crying every day....Reading your posts helped and doind things helps to ....but it does not fill the void inside me. Forget it..... Just wanted to let you know that I am back to read and occasionaly write. Had problems with my computer too..... OK.Sending many greetings Tina, Vilobi, Spain

I just lost all I had written and have no more time to repeat...so sorry. And this was a long one too. Be in touch soon Ann...Hoody Blell...Sorry for swear word but needed here!!!! Many regards Tina

„Global Lung Cancer Coalition“ does anyone konw them ?Sorry to tired to research right now as my computer connection is so slow here in the countryside. They seem to make lung cancer an issue this months.

Hi Shirl....I' ll be in touch again....I hope very much you find a job again.I know the problem in society with having to have the right papers. In my job I have them but they don't even count.Or if they did they don't get me better pay. What ever the situation you will always find an excuse is better than what you really need. So what ... As you seem to think ....at the end we know what we are worth because we know what we know we just have to sell oueselves well to someone who listens. Sleep well or rather wake up well....I need to go to walk the pooch and get to bed. 23:06 Barcelona countryside Bettina

I am so sorry for Greg's death....I had just been looking if he had answered thev posts when I saw the new one on his death. I am very sorry to learn that he died .It seems so unexpectedly quick. This is such a terrible illness.Sorry very much for your loss. Bettina

I have just got on to look for Greg's new posting.Total shoc.Cannot believe that he has gone just like that ...so quick. I feel very very sorry for your loss and what you are feeling now. I have no words to offer which could help you now.It is the most terrible moment of one's life. SOOO sorry Bettina

I read many of your posts and I hope very much that you are feeling better by now. All I know about the liver is that it cleans the blood and that if it does not work, it poisens the brain in a way you do not become aware of . My mother had a failing liver and she faded away. It was not painfull . I hope so much you will get better!!!!! All my best wishes to you and your family from Spain. Bettina

The bad thing is that I cannot know before how my feelings are going to be the next day. It is always different and I walk around like a touch button device who does not know its functions. Someone touches s.th. or the wrong way and of I go into a direction nobody intended ....the least me. Today I had a phone call from the second last hospital REichard was in and they wanted to do some research ....I gulped .... and they were extremely fast in being sorry ....just don't touch the bear ...sort of thing. Someone said working in an invironment where nobody knows ones circum stances is good ...but they all know.Anmd even if they did not it would come out because of my strange reactions.Strange to them. What field of work are you looking into ? I have never worked for anyone else than my father ...which is a different kettle of fish to working for someone who is a sort of friend... and working in a spanish firm means one invents ways on the hoof meaning as well that disasters strike on the hoof until one has adapted to them again....I am not used to that.Which does not mean one cannot.I know....but it is al uncertainty and that bugs me at the moment. No safe way to go ....ok one can say it is a challenge ..which it is.But is it fun ? Does it have to be fun ?Do I need fun ...... Shirl......I don' t want to be heavy ...it is just such a world of questions to me....questions I was able to discuss with Richard since 20 years. I am not a socially well adapted animal...never walked around with lots of friends ...the two of us were enough for me ...no girlfriends and the like were there.Or thought after. Now I live in a different world and have to adjust.I know that. I know too that I cannot have him back ever.That his very esssence died with his brain and body , that it has become "part of it all again".I think I mentioned that god is no entity for me.Nor was it for Richard. I stop now with all my cag.Time is a healer? No it is not because the wound is there and will allways be, I know that from when my mother died 20 years ago with 50 years of age....I still have it. Time did nothing to that. But that is enough from me .How rae you ? How rae you coping ?What happens to you? Do you want to tell me ? Sometimes it is so strange that with some people one prefers to hide. Many fond nose rubbs Bettina Thank you for praying! I don't know how to make good...but as I believe in that we are all made of the same ,trees stones the lot....I do what ever I can

I am back from work right now and feel slightly minced....will have some food and walk pooch to go to bed a.s.p. Will be in touch tomorrow when brain is fucntioning again in some way better. SOOOOOOO nice to hear from you ! Promise that tomorrow I'll be back...What is your job search doing ? It feels to me some what like : Who needs slave , please ? That is the situation in Spain right now...and old thought vehicles like me are anyway not required ...they prefer only those who make the same mistakes 4 times. Shut up woman...you are bitching...Well I was .... Buenas noches Bettina

Thank you for your warning....it might be like rthat , I do not know what a depression even looks like. Will inform myself though ! No time right now ...been called tonight by the firm to show up very early tomorrow....I am in soldier speak : ready for the knackerds yard.(...where those beasts of burden are slaughtered after having done a good job all their lifes....not that I qualify for that but just in case in american english it means s. th. worse....) Just came home and have to fold myself into bed p. d. q. before no clock ever gets me up again...Will reply on my free days tuesday/wednesday. But thank you very much for holding my lifeline up. Good night Tina 22.30 Sunday

that is what Richard told me...no he cannot.I can help myself but how?All Ithink about is him. No win and no gain ever any more.Not for us. I am so full of missing ....he would have said that I should not feel sorry for myself ...well I don't I feel painfull for not having him anymore.Period. This work experiment is starting to bother me too.I think I try a few months more and quit. My life turns out to be constantly in a haste and our old doggy is suffering from hardly any attention because there are not enough hours in the day. OK I have to live with very little money than but so what. At least there is time to think about him and me again and time for Charly, the pooch, Peeple I am very unhappy , I think this job just abolishes the time I can remember him.It just is so unsatisfactory what I have to do and it is not a good use of time. I am confused.Richard would be able to clear my brain now.Show me priorirtys. Love you and leave you...as they say...

There is a void which lives within me and there are my memory's which each time when I taste them are precious...but they too let me realize why I am thinking them.And that then always hits home. there is no way out .... I feel much the same about the medics as you do. Why do they give for example chemo therapy to someone who is so seriuosly ill that he than dies 5 days later?????????What the hack for?? Why bitter his last days?They can not in ernest have thought that this would have cured him of a desease which is up to this day fatal. I am still hopping on that subject....but it does not touch or bring back Richard any more. In general there is not enough done in research against lungcancer. In particular if you feel, know, have evidence to proove lack of attention may be you could consider asking a legal person about your possibilities? Just trying to think what I would do in this case.As it happens I have a lwyer friend so I would natuarly end up on this route. Lily, I have got a job now and am amongst people because this very lawyer thought I needed to brake out of my shell before I was going to drown and turn bonkers (crazy - in England). As of monday it still has not brought any relief ...more over it makes me realize how people don't want to touch subjects with me in case I could end up in tears. I am still with the same sequence in my head every morning ....I still see Richard in his last minutes, I still pull him up in his bed towards me, but before he could sit he died ....it burned his last whiff of oxygen. I thought about one thing which for me seems good and that is that he at least achieved being with you .That you had found each other again. I know that it was only for such a tiny amount of time but it was there.He finally found his love ...at the eve of his illness but think how it would have been without you. You were able to give him so much. Richard told me so many times that he would not have dreamed to go through all of his treatment without me at his side. He got all my strength and his together to fight. It helped .Now I am sitting in this empty world wondering about what sense it all makes.Why do we have to get hurt so much ?Richard had similar thoughts when seeing an 11 year old girl in chemo therapy.This is what I cannot understand. What did he do to have to go so early out of a happy life and marriage? And in your case it is tragic to have not found him again earlier. But all our if's and but's don't help us a bit. I know ...even so I am doing that all day.I am looking for finger prints on things in the house. I keep his tooth brush and morning gown next to mine. What can I say to you ?I can internetingly put my hand around yours for a moment telling you that you are not totally on your own ....we are in similar circumstances.I need to close now and prepare for tomorrows job. Speak to you again in a few days time Ciao Bettina

" I know too that he was so much like me that he would still cherish my hurt because he knows it is a sign of how much I love him. " I have taken this phrase out of your message because it could have been written by me. Richard always found it incredible that his thoughts were not his own alone. In other words that I expressed what he had thought on the quiet or was about to mention. But that aside. I had my birthday yesterday and it fell on the same weekday as Richard's death and the same date and the first time without him. I still feel bodyly wounded.An addition to the pain there is anyway. I am reading at the moment on how the brain works and what emotions are made of or how they work. But it takes me hours to wrap my brain around it.It sounds very materialistic. Sorry no more time to write....will answer when I have time off... I wish I could have my tears running inside my body...not seen by others. Thank you for your messages Tina

Greatfull for your answer! I know from a aquaintance that Richard had said that I was so "young" still, but he never said to me that he had no hope.I knew how afraid he was but he did never tell me.On the other hand he did not need to. I handled all the medical info and knew the odds.I just answered his questions and his request for honesty. I even think sometimes if he really was waiting for me, that he must wonder why it takes me so long. Facing a beloved ones death is as well facing ones own limited span. Makes one think about time.I have always thought that one minute compared to a life time is nothing when compared to the time of universe. And if that is so what does it matter if I live on? The only thing which matters is beeing happy in ones life...I was happy once. This is an endless circle ....well you know how it is...vulnerable like hell.. and the wheel in my head is turning, burdened with ice cold stones. Shirley, I have to go to work playing I was getting on..... I will try to think about what you said..Bye for now Bettina

My birthday is coming along in a few days and I am afraid...the only person making it special for me was Richard.My father who is still alive celebrates his wife's which happens to be on the same day. I so much wish to forget dates like that ...I am not sorry about birthday's but about the special care he gave to me on that day ...that I was important to him ...and that counted more than anything else. I am still in a mess.I wish I did not survive him.He was so much to me , he is so much still.I don't know sometimes what it is worth living for if one has lost the only love of ones life. I had told him I would come after him , looking for him if he had to go and it seems that this is a better option than to hold out here. I realy don't see for what. OK I got a job now ... but it is not made for me ...I have less time to think but in the evening it is all the same....in other words : Why do I do the job ? To wait if time makes me forget ? It won't I know that.Sorry for this mix of thoughts ...I am in the downs again.