Jana_W

Hi all I haven't posted in a while, but I have been reading how every one is going at least once a week or so. Not sure if people will remember, but I was 34 weeks pregnant when Mum died on August 4th this year. My beautiful baby girl, Veronika May, was born on the 27th September and she is such a joy. I have been missing my own Mum so much at the moment and can't seem to stop thinking about it and crying about it (obviously not ALL the time, but I do have a good sob at least twice a day). I thought, and hoped, that with the birth of Veronika perhaps the highs and lows would balance each other out a bit more. This hasn't happened. I just seem to fluctuate between the two extreme emotions, and the emotional rollercoaster that we've all been on since Mum was diagnosed two years ago, continues. I have also been feeling terrible at being less support to my Dad. Before Veronika was born, I was able to see Dad about five times a week but this has been reduced to a couple of times a week as I adjust to being a new Mum and having new commitments, and I am also going to be without transport when my husband goes back to work. I am finding the whole idea of never seeing Mum again very overwhelming. I can only go so far as to accept that I won't be seeing her for a few months, and I can deal with that. But as soon as I try to comprehend that I am 34 years old and for the entire rest of my life I won't have her in it, and she will never meet my daughter, I just end up all confused and unable to really understand it. Does anyone know what I mean????? It all just seems so unfair. And I miss her so much. Jana xxx

Hi Janet I am sorry to read about your Mum. My Mum was diagnosed with Stage IV NSCLC in July 2003 and she died on August 4th this year. I am not familiar with the trial you are referring to, sorry. It is good that the docs are investigating what is going on with your Mum. I think that is half the battle.....to get the docs to take the symptoms seriously and try to treat them appropriately, rather than just assuming it's all due to the cancer and there is nothing they can do about it (I felt that is what happened to Mum at times). I don't know about the depression issue either, but it's worth investigating. From my understanding anti-depressants do take a while to take effect. Mum suffered with dehydration as well, and I think this certainly contributed to her fatigue etc. Has your Mum being having any delirious type episodes or problems communicating with you? I think that dehydration can also contribut to this. I wish I had more answers to help you with, but please know I am thinking of you and hoping they get to the bottom of the problems your Mum is having so she can get back on top of things once again. Remember, where there is breath there is ALWAYS hope. Love Jana xx

Peggy, I think about this ALL the time. All the time. It is constantly on my mind and I find it very uncomfortable. It is the biggest thought I have when I think about Mum at the moment. I look back on things and realise that it was probably obvious to everyone that Mum was deteriorating (even though I seemed somewhat oblivious to it), so therefore I think she must have known. But even in the week before she died Mum went (with great difficulties, physically) to a Palliative Specialist for a report to be written on her suitability for further radiotherapy treatment to help alleviate some of her weakness and other symptoms. I feel that Mum must have felt she still had some chance to keep going for a good while longer if she would have bothered with that. But it breaks my heart to think that just wasn't to be. And at what point did she realise that? I truly don't know the answer to that. I am rambling a bit now myself (can't sleep tonight, having a very emotionally tough night), but I hope you can understand what I am trying to explain. We also never said goodbye. I have had friends ask me "Did you get a chance to say goodbye?". But when could we have done that? We never knew when she was leaving us until it happened. Peggy, I see the pain my Dad is in after losing his wife. My heart goes out to you. Love Jana xxx

Hi My Mum used the Rife Machine. I understand there are many different types etc. I know that Dad did alot of research into this before choosing one and using it etc. He felt that it could definitely be useful. Unfortunately for us, Mum's cancer was not cured by Rife or anything else, however she did live for two years post diagnosis, which far exceeded the average for a Stage IV diagnosis. If you would some more information about Rife, please PM me and I will see what I can find out for you. Wishing you well Jana

Hi everyone I haven't really been around much since Mum died on the 4th August. I just started checking in this last week to see how everyone is doing, and am only just working my way through the list I need to read. It is so hard to try to live a happy life without Mum in it. I have been having so many mixed emotions etc. It seems that what I mostly think of at the moment is Mum's cancer. I think about how she must have felt in those last few weeks and months when she truly must have realised her disease was progressing and things weren't looking great. The thing is, Mum just NEVER gave up hope that there was something out there that could possibly help her, and neither did we. I have been beating myself up black and blue at times wondering why I didn't insist she try Essiac Tea which we'd talked about and wondering if I could have found something that might have done the trick. I know that Dad did exhaustive research into all of this and Mum used alot of complementary and alternative therapies as well as mainstream treatments, so intellectually I do realise that this is not the case. It just all hurts so much. I hurt so much inside at the moment when I think about how Mama must have felt and it's so unfair that someone so wonderful and beautiful had to be put through that. I can't even understand the fact that I won't see Mum ever again. My family is not religious at all, so I do not have any vague thought of meeting up with Mum again one day. My baby is due to be born in just over two weeks, and how I wish Mum was still here with us for that. I have a CD of Mum playing the piano (she was a very very talented pianist) so I thought I would play that for the baby after he/she is born (if I am able to do it emotionally) and that might make me feel more like Mum is with us somehow. Anyway, so much more I could go on about but I won't for now. Karen (my sister) is in much the same place as me I think. She had her birthday just last weekend, and it was her first birthday without Mum which was pretty awful for her. It is lucky we are very close as we struggle through this together. I can't even begin to describe or imagine how this must be for Dad. We try to help him as much as we can, but we are so limited in that the only thing that can make him better is for Mum to still be here. Sorry this is such a miserable post. Love Jana xxxx

Hi Peggy I am thinking of you at these difficult times. We lost Mum on 4th August and although I know the pain I am sufferring cannot be compared to the loss of losing your husband and life partner, I see how hard this is by looking at my Dad. I don't really have much else to say, but just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts. Love Jana xx

Hi all Mum died on the 4th August. She was at home sleeping in bed with her loving husband of 42 years, with her three children also all under the same roof. Dad had been providing care to Mum at home for the last couple of weeks of her life and we all moved in for the last few days. Dad looked after Mum with so much love and care. It all still feels so hard to comprehend that we won't be seeing her again. She is already missed so very much. Karen and I wish to thank you for all the information, love and support you gave to us and our Dad over the last two years. Mum died two years to the day her and Dad travelled to the city to tell their three children of Mum's diagnosis. We gained so much help from this site and from all of you. Thank you. You will all remain in our hearts and hopes for ever. Love Jana and Karen xxxx

Hi all I need to ask you to please same some prayers or send some positive thoughts to both Mum and Dad for us please. Mum is really struggling. She is having palliative care at home (Dad is caring for her) but seems to be slipping and also sufferring more with pain and distress. Thanks Jana xx

Peggy, I am so sad to read you guys are going through continuing tough times. I know exactly what you mean regarding Don telling the doc his breathing was "fine"!!! We've gone through similar scenarios with Mum, so glad to know we're not alone on that one. Mum has told her palliative doc she is "pretty good really, and not in much pain". Sooooooooooooooo not true. Hoping and praying that Don is improving when you next see him. Jana xx

Peggy, I am so sad to read you guys are going through continuing tough times. I know exactly what you mean regarding Don telling the doc his breathing was "fine"!!! We've gone through similar scenarios with Mum, so glad to know we're not alone on that one. Mum has told her palliative doc she is "pretty good really, and not in much pain". Sooooooooooooooo not true. Hoping and praying that Don is improving when you next see him. Jana xx

Hi Peggy Haven't been reading much lately so I am sorry my reply is so late. I am so sorry to read you have had a few tough times with Don. I really hope things settle out for you both. Jana xxx

Val, I am just so sorry that this is happening. My heart aches for you. Jana xx

Hi all I wanted to ask all of you again to please say some extra prayers and positive thoughts (whatever it is that you believe in) for my Mum and for my Dad too now. Mum is out of the hospital and is at home but things are not going very well. She sleeps alot and has withdrawn from everything quite a bit and we are obviously all finding this desperately hard. She also complains of very bad headaches so hopefully that can be helped to get under control as well. Mum's brother has come out from Scotland to visit with her and it's nice for them to be able to spend some time together but also sad that Mum does not have more energy or volition to be able to do more with him. He leaves on Wednesday to return to Scotland which I think will be very sad for him. We're all struggling very much at the moment and seem to be operating on autopilot most of the time. My baby is due in about nine weeks and I hope and pray for some miracle before then. It breaks my heard to see our poor Dad so sad and feeling so helpless so please also include him in your thoughts as I think he needs them very much at the moment. Still hoping to have better news to tell you about soon. Karen and I continue to hope for the best for all of you as well. Jana xxx

Val Have just PMd you about this, but just wanted to let you again know I am thinking of you. Jana xx

Peggy I am so glad to read that Don has had his treatment. I am hoping to be reading about good scan results in another 6 weeks or so. Jana xx

I think I know how you feel, and I am thinking of you. Jana xx

Hi all Thank you to everyone for all the messages of support for our family. As you know, Mum was admitted to hospital last Thursday to investigate a couple of episodes of "muddled" thinking and to get her pain under control. It is now a week later but she has gone downhill quickly. Yesterday they drained 3L of urine from her bladder using a catheter so it seems there is some problem with her bladder functioning (? related to the spinal metastases and innervation of the bladder), and she is having a CT scan today. But that really is least of our worries. Her cognitive state is deteriorating and I don't want to go into too much detail on this but it is a very, very hard time for all of us. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts, especially Mum and our dear Dad who this is obviously especially tough for. How I hope and pray I will have better news for you all soon. Jana xxx

Prayer being said for your friend. That is such awful, awful news. Jana xx

Peggy This IS wonderful news. I am so glad that Don is having some relief from his symptoms and is able to be so active again. You must be so happy to see that. And I hope the SRS makes this a permanent change as well! Jana xxx

I am also really sorry to read about your recent increased pain. Like everyone else, I agree that you should speak to your doctor ASAP. They are supposed to be able to do something about pain levels, so make them earn their money. I hope you find some relief soon. Jana xx

Hi everyone Thank you so much for your love and support. It was so nice to log on today and read everyone's warm messages with so much love. Mum is quite variable at the moment with regard to mood etc and is quite weak physically. We are just taking one day at at time. We are still having a lot of good times togethers and enjoying the good times. I hope today is a good one. The weekend was a bit rough. Thank you again for your thoughts and I will keep you posted and I hope I will be able to post something brighter soon. Jana xxx

Hi I love to hear your good news and am so happy for you that things are going well for you and I hope they stay that way for a long, long time (forever would be good!!!). I cannot speak for anyone else, but it always give me hope to read other people's good news. Jana xx

Hi all Mum is in hospital. She was admitted by her GP yesterday afternoon as he is concerned about her problems with confusion and her pain level, and wants to investigate it over the next week or so in hospital. Mum is having some episodes of confusion, as well as being very tired and uncomfortable. We are hoping they sort it out soon. Karen has seen Mum already today and said she was not too bad. Karen and I haven't been posting much as we're both very upset/preoccupied etc with what's going on at the moment. Please say some prayers for us. Jana xxx

Peggy I am sooooooooo happy to read your news. Thanks for sharing with us. Here's to plenty more good times too. Jana xx

Hi Peggy I think it is good that the doctors feel Don is up for more treatment. Although I do realise it is one of those situations where either option doesn't seem particularly appealing. I'll be keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for successful, fabulous treatment and burning of those pesky stupid cancer cells. Jana xx