Katy66

Obviously it is way too soon for me to consider moving on, just shy of three short months since I lost my soul mate. I'm lonely, but I'm lonely for Gene, not someone else. It may not always be that way. Gene's mom is a widow of about 30 years, she never so much as dated. Before Gene ever got sick he would worry about his Mom being lonely and on two occassions after he was diagnosed he told me that he "didn't want me to be like Mom, for gosh sakes at least date". I don't know what I'll do 3, 5 or even 10 years down the road but I do know that whatever it is Gene will be okay with it.

The grief is just so raw that it doesn't take much and something this close certainly causes the emotions to well up. I spent two days in front of the TV crying when Elizabeth Edwards died. Oh and those darn news shows that go over all the public / celebrity deaths during the past year. So I had to count those related to lung cancer, and there were several. I know next year it will be easier, maybe!

Yes it does!!!!

What a touching way to spend your Christmas. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Lung cancer has claimed yet another life The man I mentioned in the original post passed away this past weekend at home with his loving wife and daughters. It comes so closely after my losing Gene that I can't seem to keep the tears at bay. When are researchers finally going to pay attention to this particular cancer put a stop it or at least develop better treatment options to prolong quality lives for those with the diagnosis???

I'm so sorry, Katy

So sorry. Katy

What a wonderful idea to do the dinner! You should be proud and I'm sure your Johnny is too. It isn't that I want others to be unhappy, yes they should make their memories. I just wish they understood when I don't want to participate. For instance, at work today is our holiday party...different departments do foods throughout the day and everyone travels around the campus eating, socializing, and enjoying themselves. I've chosen not to participate. One of my co-workers in the dept keeps saying "oh you should go, it will do you good." Well I don't want to go! They should all go and have fun but understand that right now I can't. Don't get me wrong. I'm celebrating this year, I have a daughter who turns 8 years old next Tuesday. There will be a birthday party and there will be Christmas with our family. We will laugh and smile but cry when we need to. Thanks for listening.

The husband of a co-worker of mine was diagnosed with SCLC just a few short months after Gene received his diagnosis. My friend and her husband learned just last week that the chemo was no longer working to control the cancer, there are several new tumors in the abdomen, the lung tumor has grown, and approx 10 brain leisions to contend with. The oncologist has said 2 -4 weeks. They have stopped any curative treatment and he has been referred to Hospice Care. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Everyone's situation is different but we all know that helpless feeling when there is nothing left to try. It is all so fresh for me I can't seem to stop crying, for them and for me.

Exactly Jean, he may not be physically with me but I still feel very married so of course I'm going to still wear my ring!

Okay, my post about happy holidays has me going this morning. I actually had someone ask me last week, "When are you going to stop wearing your wedding band?" My response was probably not the kindest, "When I damn well please." Can you believe someone had the nerve to say that? My husband has only been gone for 7 weeks but frankly if I want to wear it 7 years from now I will!

I have to say if I hear one more gushy Christmas song or Merry Christmas I just may lose it. I understand people don't know what I'm going through but can people not understand that the holidays are not happy and wonderful for everyone. I'm wondering if it wasn't better years ago when there was a defined time of grieving, when you wore black and didn't participate in things. At least then you felt like you had a pass from it all. Waiting in line at the DMV to change over car titles last week and the lady working kept wishing everyone Happy Holidays in this amazingly loud and perky voice. Of course I ended up at her window and with dread explained what I needed to do and why. She was helpful AND had enough sense to not tell me she wished me Happy Holidays, she just told me to "take care". Such a small thing but I appreciated it. Maybe we need a badge to wear....

Ronnie, Your post sounds so familiar, just finding ways to get through a long weekend. Two days didn't seem long enough before, now it seems like an eternity! One day at a time, one weekend at a time....

Susan, I'm the same way....

Michellep, Not sure if you remember me or not. We pm'd some because our husband's diagnosis, age, etc were similar. I'm so sorry for your loss. Gene lost his 19th month battle on October 29th, 2010, just 7 weeks ago. The tears flow many, many times a day for me and I beleive they are good. I hope that you will allow yourself to cry when you need to. If there is anything at all I can do please don't hesitate to send me a message. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The holidays are so hard. My daughter and I spent Thanksgiving at the beach...it is such a healing place and somewhere that Gene loved. Her birthday is the 21st, turning 8 years old and then of course we have Christmas. I miss him so much!!!!

Susan, I didn't realize until I saw your post about Gene that your Mom had also passed. I'm so sorry for your loss! As your timeline says, they are now in a place where there is no cancer and I'm so thankful for that. Katy

Gene was only on the tarceva for a couple of months since it did not work at all for him. He developed a horrible rash from it that cleared with the antibiotic they gave him.

I just wanted to let you all know that I lost my dear husband last Friday, October 29th. He fought a good fight and was strong to the end. We thought we would have at least one more holiday season together but the Lord had other plans for him. Thank you all for your support over the last year and a half. I wasn't a regular poster but could always count on responses to my questions and concerns. You all remain in my prayers!

Haven't posted in a while but wanted to let you guys know that Gene is now under the care of Hospice Home Care. The Tarceva was failing miserably so we have opted for comfort. I work for an organization that includes hospice so that admission process has been easy, the decision not so easy As a good friend told me, the decision isn't mine to make, it is God's. I'm only providing him the best care.

Haven't had a chance to post in a while. Gene hasn't improved at all, in fact he seems worse. He is still staying by himself but I don't expect that to continue much longer. He gets confused re: meds etc so I've started doing all of his med management. He sleeps alot, probably from the meds, and to answer your question TS, my glass half empty husband can't seem to find joy in anything including our 7 year old daughter. I'm hoping the confusion is meds also but since he has a history of brain mets I'm wondering if we've got that going on again. The constant struggle is getting to us all! I just don't know where to turn anymore....

Thanks for all the thoughts, suggestions, and encouragement. I talked with his ONC yesterday and now that Gene has heard from him that he should not be skipping the pain meds "until he needs them" I think he is going to listen. I've only been saying it for months but when the MD says it it is pure genious I did all his meds for him this morning and wrote down what time to take each so I'm hopeful he will have a better day. They also prescribed him something for the tarceva rash. I do think that if we could get the pain under control he would be much better. I'm also looking into our options with palliative care, not sure about cost / insurance but want to weigh the options. Thanks again, I'll keep you posted.

Found out the end of last month that the Gemzar was on was not working, tumor was growing and there are other small spots in the right lung now. They have taken him off that and he is taking Tarceva. Oncologist says Gene has 3-9 months with us. Next scans are the end of September. He is in a lot of pain and we can't seem to get into a pain specialist to help.

My husband was initially diagnosed with 3b and was getting chemo and radiation. Had to stop chemo for a short period when he got bumped to stage4 because they found brain mets. Did whole brain radiation and finished radiation to lung, then back to chemo. Sorry you are going through this!

Back to the MD today for regular appt and start new round of chemo. Don't think they will treat today. He is still coughing and feels terrible. I'm convinced that he has pneumonia! He kept it during his first line chemo last spring / summer. I think his allergies trigger it and his compromised system means it becomes pneumonia. I'm hoping for another week off, some Levaquin and Prednisone....oh and some cough meds, his script is out Thinking of you all!