babesdaughter Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 How do you do it......just the thought of going in to the holiday season without my Mom makes my stomach hurt..... I've been trying to be positive and find ways to include her memory in the celebrations, but so far haven't been able to come up with a lot. We are going to do a Christmas tree as a fund raiser for her.....decorate it with red hats and purple ribbons....(When I am and Old Womand I Shall Wear Purple was her favorite).... Looking for ideas, suggestions......just looking for a way to do it without being so sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I don't know how we are going to do the holidays, except I have a four year old who deserves to have a four year old Christmas. And so we will for her. For me, that is the start of the worst, because our anniversary is December 29 and Becky's birthday is January 8. It will be a hard two weeks. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I too don't know what to do for X-mas. Mom was the center of the holidays. She was always fixing candy and cookies, shopping for the grandkids, decorating the house, and so on. Mom loved to watch the boys open presents; sometimes I think she bought to much just to see them open it all! I think we'll take a moment to remember her and then celabrate because that would be what she would have wanted. I'm sure she will still be watching the boys open presents, and wanting to slap Dad for buying a bunch of gift cards instead of presents! Anyway, in my heart she will be there every year! Just gonna try to continue her traditions so the boys don't forget, because I never will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 My mother died on Christmas Eve in 1985. In 1994, my auntie Blanche died on Christmas Day. My father died in 1974, just 8 days before I gave birth to my first child and in 1998, my sister died the day before my mother's birthday! In 1996 my Aunt Freda and my cousin Gordy died within two months of each other, Gordy passing not long after my own birthday. It somehow complicates the loss to lose someone close to a special date, I know. First...you have to grieve. That first Christmas season after my dad died was tough. I wrote him a letter....as though he were just away on a business trip. I told him all about his first grandson, whom he'd missed meeting by a mere eight days. It helped, writing that letter. After a few difficult Christmases following my mother's death...I learned to make Christmas Eve a special celebration of her life. I light a bayberry candle that day, as it was her favorite Christmas scent. I still use her recipe for stuffing when I make a turkey dinner! Time has helped me to deal with any sadness rather quickly....and move on to remembering the blessings of having had her as my mother. I was 39 when I lost my mother. I felt lucky to have had her for all those years. I still miss her.....still wish she could be here, physically. But again, I focus on the positives as much as I can...and remember those things about her that make me smile or laugh or just feel warm and fuzzy, without being sad. I think about how much I am like her, too, and smile. It takes time. Your loss is new...so don't have any huge expectations of yourself other than to put one foot in front of the other and move thru the holidays as best you can. Just don't lose hold on the happy thoughts. Try, for every moment of sadness...to conjure up a memory that makes you smile...because you know that's what your mom would want, right? By the next Christmas Eve after we lost mom...1986...we had taken on sponsorship of a child in Ecuador. It was a way of honoring my mom as a mother....to do this. Perhaps you might think of some sort of charitable act to carry out this holiday season, that will be a tribute to your mother....eh? Something, maybe, that was close to her heart....or simply that signifies motherhood. Even simply donating a toy or two to a drive to provide needy children with holiday gifts? I know you'll think of something....but doing something of a charitable nature to honor your mom will ALSO help, I bet...because it focuses you on a positive act, rather than your own sadness or loss. It's a reminder that life must go on...and when doing something of a charitable nature for children, it's also a reminder of the cycle of Life, I think. Be gentle with yourself...and don't stuff your feelings...but again, try to smile a little for every real moment of sadness....as it will keep you balanced. In time, those smiles come more easily and the pain of loss diminishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 When I start feeling sorry for myself, I make it a point to try and count the blessings in my life. Because there is one really rotten thing in my life, and it sucks more than anything I could have imagined, .... BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE BAD THING IN MY LIFE. I have the most beautiful little girl that loves me and depends on me. I have found friends by the score who have lifted me up in the worst time of my life. I have a good job - yesterday notwithstanding - that gives me the flexibility I need to be a good dad and at the same time the fulfillment I need to feel productive and valuable. And on and on and on. I would rather be those things with Becky. But I am better off than 99% of the people who have ever lived, in terms of the blessings and comforts in my life. You all are a part of that. Becky fought this monster so hard because every day is so precious, especially with Katie. I get gloomy, for sure, but I am not going to fritter away these precious days in gloom. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Paige, Last year was my first without my dad..I chose to ignore the fact that it was christmas probably not a good idea but it worked for me..My family and I had christmas in florida, being from Mich and usually having cold snowy christmas's I thought Florida would be great then it wouldnt seem like Christmas and it really didnt..I really would like to do it again, but I am told I need to face the reality of it all.. I am not sure if this is good advice for you, just thought I would share what I did...Its hard I know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 Paige,Last year was my first without my dad..I chose to ignore the fact that it was christmas probably not a good idea but it worked for me..My family and I had christmas in florida, being from Mich and usually having cold snowy christmas's I thought Florida would be great then it wouldnt seem like Christmas and it really didnt..I really would like to do it again, but I am told I need to face the reality of it all.. I am not sure if this is good advice for you, just thought I would share what I did...Its hard I know That's what I'd like to do, but my daughter loves Christmas and all that that implies......like Curtis, I have an obligation (bad word, but can't think of a better one) to make sure it's as happy as possible for her......we'll just have to go with you feel how you feel until you don't feel that way anymore! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I'll throw in a suggestion that has helped me and my wife for several years now. When we decorate the tree at Christmas I put an ornament on the tree for my mom and brother and her mom and dad. Her dad was first then her mom, my brother then my mom. I went to the mall the year her dad passed. I got a nice Pewter ornament and had it engraved with his DOB and DOD. Ever since then we have added to the tree as others passed. It gave us a sense that they were there in spirit. Another idea is to place a picture of them near the tree. We liked the ornament best tho. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I love the idea of the tree ornaments. What a wonderful way to celebrate their lives. I know last year was extremely hard for my family and I. We were still reeling with the loss of my husband and the kids father. There were some things that stayed the same and many others that changed. I was given a book called the December grief. It was in there that I read and realized that it is okay to grieve for our loses but it is also our choice to change how we celebrate the holiday's and it is OKAY to change how we celebrate the holiday's. Life is ever changing and so are each of us. As I have said before, time has helped to ease our pain and grief. It has been like the sandpaper on the wood. Our lives are forever changed. Life is starting to show some new things about each of us that had we not had a loss, we would never have found out about ourselves. It has been both a blessing but also hard to go through. But go through it we must. At some point in time, we all have to accept that our lives have changed and will never be the same again. Just as the holiday's will be never be the same for us. But they will be what we make of them. I think Dean was the one who said we have a choice to make. We can either die a little each day or we can choose to live and make the best of the day that has been given to us. And then of course there is Snowflake with the infamous beer truck to keep in mind as we make those choices. All I can say right now is this. This board and the people who make up this board are what kept me going and still do. We have a wealth of wisdom, compassion, love, and faith among us. We also have alot of acceptance with each other and understanding that we all are different and will go through the coming holiday's together. Each with our own little idea's to help each other to learn to continue on. And continue on we will. May God give us the strength, the understanding, the acceptance, the grace and the dignity to continue on. May we always know that our loved ones love us still and their spirits will continue on through our memories of them. Sorry to ramble on. I do understand, just as many of you do, how hard the holiday's will be. But I also know we will get through these days. Life will be ever changing and so will we. Wishing each of us enough to continue on. Love to all, Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Well it is sad that so many of us are going through this. I am seriously unsure how I will make it without Mom, She used to call herself, Judy McScrooge, but she loved Christmas, she alwasy went out and got me and my sister the stupidest stocking gifts, and always for me Hershey's with nuts, hehehe, she knew I hated those and would just return them. I am glad i have such great memories. Last Christmas was the last time I really shared with mom. Aside from daily phone calls from CA to AZ. I went home for only two days because I was in the busiest time wrapping a film I was on, and luckily she was healthy and we had a great visit. My breaks went out and I got stuck another day, and Mom and I spent it totally together and just us. It was really nice. The next time I saw her she was unconcious in hosiptal 3 months later. This year I am alon ein Denmark, new country, new friends, and I don't know how to do it a lone, but thankfuly I have a friend in Ireland, so I will go there for those couple of hard days. I am also going to where red for her. It was her favorite color. I know this is hard for us all, but sometimes don't you feel like it is just you going through it? anyhow, hugs to everyone and it is great we have this support system and I am sure our loved ones are watching out for us and they are happy we have eachother. Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 heheh, about the hershey's I meant return them to her, so she would have extra chocolate to munch on. . . hehehehe and we loved the stupid stocking gifts. . . .since we were little. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 heheh, about the hershey's I meant return them to her, so she would have extra chocolate to munch on. . . hehehehe and we loved the stupid stocking gifts. . . .since we were little. This will be the first year without a Lifesaver storybook with a $20.00 bill inside.....it's the little things I'll miss the most. My Mom was always big on stockings, too.....42 years old last year and she still came over early Christmas morning and filled my stocking.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Paige, If you believe in angels, etc., try something totally different. Just IMAGINE how your mother is spending Christmas this year - and with whom. I'm sure she'll be looking in on you and wishing you weren't so sad.... Hang in there, you just have to get through this. Not "over", just through. Going around it doesn't deal with it and it will be back. Pass on her traditions, that's what makes 'em traditions! Take the time to celebrate the season, and reflect on what it all really means, the big picture...the story of the First Christmas, not the first Christmas without your mother. Take care, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 The only thing that keeps me going is my 3-year old daughter who is grieving terribly for her Grandpa herself. I have to keep things normal and happy for her, for that was my father's only wish. Christmas this year will be big, bigger than last year, and all for her. I hope you come through it with some peace in your heart. Our loved ones would want us to continue, of that I am sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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