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The dying process


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Hi Sharon,

I also teared up reading your post, because I feel the same way about my Mom. I think it is part of the greiving process and dealing with it.

I go through the "what if I had done this? or that" and the "I wasn't there for her" "What if? what if? what if?" and it drives me crazy, I feel so out of control sometimes, so trust me I know how you feel.

Your Dad knows you did what was best, and at least he had you there with him, right?

Biggest hugs,

okay this may not compare with JC's but this was in my Mom's funeral notice and I am not sure if she picked it before hand, but I read this when I am down.

When I Must Leave You

When I must leave you for a little while

Please do not grieve and shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you through the years,

But start out bravely with a gallant smile;

And for my sake and in my name

Live on and do all things the same,

Feed not your loneliness on empty days,

But fill each waking hour in useful ways,

Reach out your hand in comfortand in cheer

And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;

And never, never be afraid to die,

For I am waiting for you in the sky!

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I have read over your post many times and I tear up every time I read it.

I am not sure you can go through this journey with someone you love so dearly and not second guess the decisions you make.

I too lost my dad a few months earlier, on September 19, 2004. I watched him slip away from us in just 8 months and it was heartbreaking. I tried my best to research, take care of him, get him to all his appointments and scans, take care of his yard, spend as much time as possible with him and still take care of my family and home. He was always so thankful and grateful to me and always told the doctors he couldn't have gotten through everything he had without me. Even knowing I did everything in my power to keep him alive and my dad knew I tried with all my heart... I still find many times when I start questioning why I didn't push for a different chemo sooner, or why didn't I make them try Iressa, etc., etc.

I think what I am trying to say is it is hard not to question your decisions

when you lose someone you loved so much to this horrible disease. Deep down I know there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome for my dad. Nothing ever seemed to work in his favor.

I think you did everything in your power to help your dad and he knew it!!! You can tell the love you had for him in your post. Take care Sharyn.


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I lost my father to lung cancer 4 years ago.

When I think of dying, one thing that really makes me feel panicky is not being able to catch my breath. I had that fear for my father but thank God he went peacefully.

Please don't blame yourself for your father's passing. I think when we lose a loved one we all have these thoughts of did I do this right? or that wrong? We do the best we can with nothing but love in our hearts and the best of intentions. I hope one day soon you will realize deep down in your heart that you did nothing wrong, you were there for him, you loved him and he knew that.

Take care,


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It was very hard for me to read your post, as I know exactly what you are going through. It is very normal what you are feeling. If you look back at my posts you will see I have been exactly where you are right now. Questioning everything, doubting ourselves, feeling guilty, it's just awful to feel all these things on top of the tremendous loss we feel. My heart just breaks for you. I can only tell you that what you are feeling is just part of the grieving process and it's hard. There are still times I think back and feel like there was something else I could have done, but really, there was nothing. We didn't do this to our fathers, the cancer did. I am so sorry you are hurting. If you do a search for my posts, you will see all of the wonderful responses I received from the beautiful people here on this board, some of them are no longer with us, but their words to me will always be remembered. You are in my thoughts. Please try to go easy on yourself.

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Thank you Sharyn for asking this question. I have thought about similar things for about 20 months. The only difference I wasn't aware of the things that morphine does to the body. It thought that it just work great for making my mom relaxed and taking away her pain. As I think back to her last few weeks I could see that her body was shutting down. The hospice nurses taught me about the dying process and what my role would be with my mom. I remember when they told me that she might only have a few days left. I wanted to be with my mom when she passed so I stayed at my parents’ home. I was told that I should play some of my mom's favorite music and the music would help her to fell some control. I played the music the entire night before she passed away. I also think about my mom and the pain meds we were instructed to give her. Not giving her the meds would not have saved her life. By the time she was dx her cancer was so far advanced she died less then a month later. I agree with the ones who say that when it is there time to go, make it a dream and not a nightmare.

Yes, I still have my own issues to work out with the loss of my mom but making her last few days as comfortable as they were is not one of them.

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