My mom was diagnosed with cancer

[SadiesMom]

We just found out Friday that my mom has cancer. Liver and Lung. She was a smoker and a drinker (beer) but Im not sure how that affected it. She is going to see a specialist this week and will be starting Chemo soon. She doesnt want anyone to know except my dad, 3 brothers, my husband and my brothers wife. So while I do have people I can talk to about it, I cant confide in my friends about it, and Im having a hard time talking about it with my brothers since they are all dealing with it to. She doesnt want any of us upset, she is trying to stay positive...

I was wondering from those of you with caner or have family members with cancer, what are we in for? will she be able to keep it between just us if she is going through chemo? will she definantly lose her hair? How sick will she get from the chemo?

How can I help make it easier on her? Im not good at saying the right things, and right now all I can think to do is bring her her chocolate milkshakes that she loves and rent movies to watch with her. but I dont know what to say....

[stephnewyork34]

Hello and welcome, but sorry you are here.

Well I think everyone's experience is different, and you know, just be supportive of your Mom, and her decisions, ya know? Maybe she doesn't want everyone to feel sorry for her, or she is worried they will, so if she wants to keep it in the family, then that is her choice, ya know?

When my Mom got sick, she told everyone, but she also stayed strong and positive. She actually held us all together. I think the thing I learned the most was that by supporting her choices, I gained her respect. There was a time when she wasn't going to do chemo or anything, and I had to say, "ok Mom if that is what you want" and she begged me to convince the rest of our family to agree with her, then she aksed her doctor some questions and changed her mind and she fought hard for two years, but her's was in her spine, and so we lost her, but everyone is different, and I think trying to stay positive and upbeat and supportive is the best you can do.

She may lose her hair, she may not, but wigs are fun? and then she can try out some new looks?

I know you are probably scared, and it is scary but this group is amazing and you will see, we are all here for you.

biggest, warmest hugs to you and your family.

[Patkid]

Hello, sweetie,

You are a good daughter. Hugs to you!

I am sure that all this is new and that things will change as you go along. My husband was diagnosed w/ Lung cancer and liver involvement, too.....just last month. It is scary for us, too. Brian and I are just feeling our way through this darkness. We trust our God and know He is holding us close. I am sure there is room in His arms for all of us. God is especially tender with His children who are scared and suffering.

Try to just support your mom, no matter your opinions. That is what I am doing for Brian.

If he raises the bet.........I call it

If he makes a motion..........I second it.

The patient doesn't have much control and so I try to make sure that anything Brian can make a rule about..............I follow.

We are adding you to our prayer concerns.

This board is very supportive. I am new here, but read everyday and gain strength.

Best to you and your family.

Pat

[SadiesMom]

Thank you both for your replies... I am going to do everything I can to support my mom. She is a very strong woman, and has been through a lot. She has an appointment on Wednesday and I guess we will find out more then about what stage she is and such. I dont know a lot about the medical aspects of it yet, but I plan to learn as much as I can about it. I have been reading posts on this forum today and I see how supportive everyone is to each other. It is definantly something I could use especially since we arent telling anyone.

[shelliemacs]

a big warm unfortunate welcome to you. There is no greater shock than learning your mom has cancer. I learned that lesson all too well in January of 2003. Unfortunately my mom had really no fight to live in her and I lost her in August of 2003. Then in January of 2004 my dad was diagonosed with Lung Cancer also and I lost him in June of 2004. THen the day we burried dad my sister was diagonosed with cancer as well. Sh though, different from my parents has a fighting spirit and has finished chemo and is doing well.

Your mom may or may not change her mind as her treatment progresses. If she looses her hair she may tell people. She probably isn't ready to face it yet. Imagine how overwhelming it is for her to hear this news. I never got my parents to talk about their cancer. They were afriad to their cores I believe but saw how FREAKED out I already was and unfortunately I was not one they could talk openly about their fears with.

Be there for her. Listen to her. Go to her doctors appointments with her and become her medical advocate. Know what the doctors are talking about and research what treatments they will give her so you know the side effects and how to help her through them. Getting informed will be your best weapon against fear of the unknown.

The first few weeks of knowing about this are horrid and we would not wish it on anyone. But once the treatment starts, you get to a point where you can at least take a breath. Until you hear the tern NED. ( no evidence of disease) you will have anxiety, but with acceptance of the condition, the immense fear subsides somewhat.

we are always here for you and your family and especially your mom for questions, prayers or just to vent.

[Justakid]

Welcome and sorry you have to be here!

Everyone's experience is different with treatment. I lost my hair the first time but it doesn't appear that I'm gonna loss it this time.

My first round I was deathly ill and there was no way I could of hid it, this time I'm not the least bit ill. Just tired and short of breath.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Don Wood]

Hi, and welcome! You can express yourself here anytime you need. I do recommend that you pick one friend you can trust and talk with that person on a regular basis. We all need constant support from those not directly involved.

Your mother is not realistic in thinking she can keep the news contained. But you do have to honor her wishes as much as you can. It's a shame that those who want to keep it secret rob their friends of a chance to be supportive and helpful.

As others have said, each person and each circumstance are different. Hang in there, and let us know how we may support you. Don

[SadiesMom]

Again thank all of you for your support... I am sure once we know more, I will have more questions and want to talk more..

I have my husband to talk to, but my husband just recently lost his dad, so this is bringing up all of his feelings, and its hard for him to talk about it.. He thinks of my mom as his mother.. and he is afraid of losing someone again.

I know it is unrealistic to keep it secret, but she doesnt want people looking at her as if she is sick, she doesnt want pity. Maybe once we know exactly what she is going to have to do, she will tell people, but its her choice...

I am trying so hard to be strong for her. she already told us we are not to cry around her.. Im doing my best. Thank you all so much for your support, I will know more about it after her appointment on wednesday, and I will update you.

[DeanCarl]

I'm sorry you had to seek us out, but VERY glad you found us.

I can only echo what the others have said. The experience of having cancer can be so different from person to person. I'm praying your Mom is one of those who has a fairly easy time of it.

As far as what you can do: What Shelly said. Especially the part about listening to your Mom. As a person with cancer that is what I want from the people around me. To listen to what I'm saying and not assume or place their own biases on me.

The other thing you can do is stay close to the folks here and don't be shy about saying what you need to say when you need to say it. No matter what the next days, weeks or months may bring there is someone here who's "been there, done that" and will know exactly what you are talking about.

Prayers for you and your family.

Dean

[MelanieLR]

Hi Sadie,

A sad welcome to our site. While I know this is the last pleace you really want to be, you'll find the people here will be of immense help to you during this unwanted journey.

There are so many variables in the treatments & how each person reacts physically as well as mentally to them is totally unique. While there may be many shared reactions, this is so individual! I've unfortunately visited this disease from almost every possible angle now. I lost both my Father & Mother at relatively young ages to LC. My sister is currently batteling breast cancer. Little did I know that while I was attempting to nurse my family through their fights, I was in the process of developing my very own stage IV NSCLC at the ripe old age of 43 (at dx).

The one thing I am absolutely certain of is that it is so much easeir to be me than you. The best advice I can give at this stage in the game is to remain as positive & supportive of your mother & her decisions as you possibly can. Treasure every moment that God gives the two of you to share & do the best you can to keep hope.

My thoughts & prayers are with you both,

Melanie