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Hard time today

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I feel terrible, knowing mom will probably read this, and that it will make her cry...but i'm having one of those days where i just have a hard time dealing. I've been weepy most of the day...just can't get it off my mind! I'm so worried about her and i know she doesn't want us to worry...but we will anyway.

I know there is nothing i can do but rely on the Lord in this situation...but right now He seems so far off and so out of reach!!! How can someone so loving throw my dear Mom into this again??? She's done her time, i thought!!! She beat the "beastie" back 15 years ago!!! Back when it was cancer of the cervix...and never looked back!!! We thought she'd served her "time" in cancer hell??? Don't ya think when 6 of 8 had/had some kind of cancer (two are dead, one other than my mom is diagnosed as terminal, two years ago of thyroid cancer) it would be enough???

I'm sick and tired of hearing "statistics" and how bad of a chance she has!!!! I know my mom!!! I know that if it all goes to s**t it will be ok, cause she tried, she fought, she WON!!! Even if it all goes to s**t, she won!!

You all don't understand, really, what it's takin for her to fight. She is allergic to almost every major (and minor) pain killer there is. She's doing this (radiation AND chemo at the same time!) without pain killers for the pain associated with the esophogeal problems (IF they do, and i pray they don't...she's only going on the 5th round of radiation and second of chemo)!!! I've not seen anyone on here who's not been able to take pain killers...so if there is one, i'd be SO happy to hear from you!!! To know that it can be done with "mind over matter"!!

That's what scares me the most...pain, because i know there's little they can do for it. She's gettin a lidocaine/maylox mixture to ease the pain of the esophogeal problems that will come with it...but i still can't imagine the hurt that comes with it!!

Sorry it's been so long...just needed to blow off steam, i guess, and i know most of you can understand! Thank God for that!!!

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I cannot take the pain killers prescribed eitiher. I couldn't even take them afte my major surgery. Some of it was mind over matter, I guess. The other was to take 3 or 4 motrin every so many hours. I was told this by a doctor. So even though that is probably double the recommended dosage, you can do it. Maybe mom could give that a try.

Sorry things are so rough right now. And I know what you mean about the Lord seeming to be out of reach and about having already served time.

Please try to keep your spirits up along with your faith. We will be helping out with the prayers for you and mom.

Heartfelt thoughts and wishes coming along witht the prayers.


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So sorry you and your Mom are going through all this pain. I know how very hard this must be for both of you! I'm saying prayers that things will get better.

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I know well how it feels to feel that God is far off. But I think that though we FEEL that way, and though we question Him, he is very near (and ok with our feelings and questions). Know too that... (and maybe it is just my own brand of theology) I cannot believe that God gives us things like cancer. I can't believe that he is standing up there going, "Let's see what Sue does when I throw this at her." Or, "It would benefit my omnipotent plan for John to have to fight this again." Part of his nearness is that he is weeping and hurting with us. I don't know why this crap happens or why he doesn't stop it... but I still have to believe he loves us. (I hope I do not sound preachy... I don't mean to. I just really wanted to say, "Me too" and "this is what I think when I'm dealing with that.")

I'm sorry your Mom has to go through all of this without pain meds. I can't even imagine. I ache for her and for you in having to see her in such pain.

You sound weary. Know that, when you need to take a rest, we'll keep standing and fighting for you.



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Thanks all for the support! Wow, i really blew up there! I apologize if my "you don't understand" comment upset anyone...just how i was feeling at the time...that there was NO ONE who could understand that.

I DO believe that God is with me always, as He is with all of us, don't get me wrong. And when things get really bad, i run to His side to be comforted. But sometimes i just get mad. And i get sad. And i get frustrated that there is nothing i can do other than sit here and be a bystander.

Again, thanks to all of you for your love, support, and especailly your prayers!

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That's ok, Missy. God understands mad, too. Sad, mad, glad, up, down, afraid, happy - you name it! We've all been through it, and trust me, if there is anyone who hasn't, it's probably coming! :)

Your words were very nice about the not understanding thing. There are some people on here that have been through some stuff that's hard to imagine, and I'm sure they appreciate that.

You're a great daughter and you will do fine fighting this monster with your mom. Hang in there, and just know that the emotions are going to be breakdancing for quite a while.

Love and hugs,


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Hi Missy,

Glad you chose to "blow up" here! We all need a safe place where we can vent without fearing criticism. Glad you are here and caring for mom.

Don't know if you have a pain center near you, but it might be a place to find some relief for her. No one should have to endure pain in today's age of miracle drugs.

With prayer..


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we really sound like we're having such similar experiences. I have the same feelings of anger and injustice about my mom - she has thyroid cancer in 1993, RIGHT after her sister died of kidney cancer. she had her first round of LC in 2000 and it felt like such a miracle, how they found it, that it was successfully treated with surgery. I feel like my miracle has been tarnished. I'm mad that she's had so much more than her share of crap (not just in cancerland) and now she has to do this AGAIN. she's never had chemo before, and from everything I've read it may well happen this time. we were always grateful, "at least she didn't have to go through chemo". it's hard not to get pessimistic. the best I can do is get back into the moment, and in this moment the following is true:

1. mom is healthy, feeling good, working and hanging out with her friends;

2. I am healthy, feeling scared, but there for her 100%, as is my little brother;

3. god has his arms around all of us, in ways I can not imagine, and has always shown me results far, far better than what I'd ever hoped for;

4. I have a ba-jillion new friends and fellow travelers on the scary road through cancerland here, and I am not alone in any way shape or form.

Thanks again, you have no idea how much you've helped me (everyone here has).



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