I'm new and need advice, please

[DebAlex]

Hi folks. My close friend/companion of 6 years is 65 and diagnosed w/adenocarcinoma which showed met. to chest wall during surgery last week so tumor was not removed. Dr. came out to me shaking his head, saying "I'm so sorry". I got impression he felt there was no hope. Onc. did visit hosp. and we'll visit at his office next week regarding future treatment. I suspect he'll do chemo, etc. To make matters worse, my friend's 35 y.o. son was rushed to hosp. two weeks ago with ALL (acute leukemia) and will be there for several more weeks - we had no idea he was even feeling ill. Now I am my friend's only caregiver. He just got out of hosp. three days ago and is still in much pain, depressed, weak and lost maybe seven lbs. (appetite is improving greatly). He is very angry and depressed and snaps at me all the time. I understand and so far I'm dealing with it. It's so overwhelming as they are like family to me. How can I help my best friend deal with his own illness when he is so overwhelmed now with his son's illness? He looked perfectly healthy before he went to surgery.

Deb

[nancy c]

Deb, I feel very sad for you--it is very exhausting being the caregiver. Your friend knows you will be there for him and you won't leave. He is angry and therefore is taking the anger,hurt,and being so damn scare-out on you. Be patient and just try to make it pleasant. I understand as my husband has just entered into the hospice stage. He has been very rude to me and I know he's hurting deep down and scared. We have to just take a deep breathe and be tolerant. They have cancer and we don't and we can't do or say anything that will take it away. It is their way of dealing. Just give lots of love,God bless you, Nancy C

Please keep in touch

[Snowflake]

Deb,

I'm the patient, so I'm going to share from my side (as that is the only side I know). Your friend/companion and you need to talk, NOW. It is okay for him to be scared, and it is okay for him to be angry, depressed and whatever else he is feeling. It is NOT okay for him to be rude and nasty to you, and you need to tell him that. He needs to "use his words" to work through what he is feeling, NOT use his words to hurt those closest to him.

If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about all the jumble going on in his head, see if you can get him a counselor to talk to, to get that emotional poison drained. It's like a boil on the soul and needs to be lanced before it gets into a real nasty infection.

His feelings are normal, believe me. I think the FIRST emotion I had about it all was disbelief, and then the world fell from beneath my feet. I don't think the fear hit me full force until after my surgery - somehow, pain makes things far more real... I went through depression, I experience the fear daily, it's always in the back of my mind. He truly needs to work through his emotions, get to "acceptance" and then battle this thing with all he has.

If his doctor just shakes his head and says "I'm sorry", it's time for a new doctor. There are new treatments popping up often, find a doctor that is willing to be as aggressive as your friend and take this monster on as a team effort. Many here have been restaged after chemo and had surgery. There are others who are over two years out with "stable" disease at Stage IV. Start reading the stories, read the signature lines...there's a lot of knowledge here, there's a lot of hope.

First off, though, establish the ground rules. It's not okay to hurt the ones closest to you, and you shouldn't allow him to run all over your feelings because he's "sick", that enforces that he is different, and none of us want to be "different" than we were before our diagnosis. Welcome to the new normal...and welcome to the board. I truly wish you had no reason to seek us out, but are glad that we are here for you.

Take care,

Becky

(Edited for clarity.)

[Frank Lamb]

Deb,I too am the patient.The last thing in the world I want to do is snap at my wife.(my caregiver).

Sometimes we (the patients)snap at our loved ones without realizing it.The second I do that my wife reminds me I'm being poopy with her and she doesn't need that.And she is right,she doesn't need that,so I take more attention to minding my manners.

The point at hand is tell your companion they are being a little harsh with you.Mabe they too don't realize it.

[RandyW]

Always keep a positive atitude you have to think that this can be beat. Be supportive. Be a fighter. I do research online before Onc apptmnts. I always think That This can be beaten and cured. There is nothing for my wife and I to fight about and that includes money. We ain't got much but after 9 years of marriage and 2.5 years of fighting the Lung cancer we have each other. We are still fighting this disease. Believe in the power of prayer; I say a prayer every night. I am the caretaker for my wife. I hope this helps even a little bit.

[bauner95]

Deb,

I am the caregiver of my husband. We received the same response from our surgeon after an attempted surgery. Mike's had spread to his chest wall as well. The surgeon came out and gave us the news in a waiting room full of people including our 10 year old son and 3 year old daughter. He was even nice enough to give us a time frame of a year or less. We decided to go find a new doctor and now we have a wonderful oncologist. He has had five rounds of chemo, Taxotere and Carboplatin. At his check up appointment Wednesday, we were given the results of his CT. His main tumor has shrunk over 60% and the other spots did not show at all. He is getting 4 more rounds of chemo, the first was Wednesday. Then he wants to scan and then do a biopsy. If the main tumor is all that is there, he wants Mike to have surgery. We were thrilled. The point I am trying to make here is don't give up. Believe me, I know this is rough for everyone, but stick it out. Don't give up hope and pray. Pray every day and have everyone you know pray. It does help! We have our rough days too. For a week after chemo, I feel like all we do is yell. He doesn't feel good and I am doing everything around here, so I am exhausted. Things will get better. My only advice is find the right doctor. We went through three before we found the one that was going to work with us. You have to be a team. Our oncologist was as happy as we were with the results. Don't stop looking until you have the right doctor. They make all the difference. We won't be going back to the first surgeon. He even told us even if the chemo got rid of all the other tumors, surgery was still not an option. Now we are talking surgery. It is all in the team you have. Keep looking. The right doctor is out there.