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Am I selfish?


kinderdo

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I need help with this one.

I want to spend as much time as possible with my DH -especially since his diagnosis. He wants to go to work as much as possible. He is only with me for treatments, appointments or too sick and/or too tired to get out of bed or off the couch. I think going to work allows him to feel "normal" for a little while and keeps his mind off of everything. He does feel that everything will be "fine" and he has all the time in the world. I pray that he is right. Reality is, what if he is wrong? I have told him repeatedly how I feel. I am trying to honor what HE wants but am having a difficult time. Am I selfish? Any suggestions?

Hugs,

Sandy

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Sandy...I can definitely answer this one. My Dennis, who also had sclc, was much like your Larry. He was very head strong and equally determined that he was going to beat the cancer. He never wanted to know any statistics. He never asked the doctor how much time he might have left. I did ask....but never shared the answer with Dennis, as he never wanted to know. I think hearing the doctor's words would have made this all too real for him and he wanted to live as if this wasn't happening. Like you, I accompanied Dennis on all of his appointments for treatment and tests. I stayed on my work schedule as much as possible. Dennis worked when he was able and life seemed to roll along pretty much as before. Dennis never allowed himself to think too much about death and certainly very few words were ever said about it. His temper flared easily from the frustration and some of the medication. In the early fall, Dennis begged his oncologist to allow him to go elk hunting in Colorado in November. Dennis died in mid December and never gave up his determination to beat the monster that had invaded his body. I know you want time with Larry and that's very important. But...if you try and change his mind about being independent, you may dampen his determination to fight. Is Larry able to talk freely with you about his condition? If so, let him know how you feel about spending quality time with him. Many men are neither able or willing to talk about the cancer. I hope this has been of some help. Please feel free to PM (Private Message) me at any time.

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Sandy,

you are not selfish. I faced the exact same thing. My husband was digonsed with limited small cell lung cancer on Jan 10th, 2005. I will not go into the long drawn out history of his disease, but he did not handle any of the treatements well and chemo had to be discontinued way too early. My husband Alan works out of town and he looked so foward to going back to work. if he did go back to work I would only see him on the "week-ends" I to felt I was selfish in my thinking that "if" Alan had limited time left I did not want to loose those days together and did not want him returning to work. He is my husband and I love him very much. I never told him how I felt, but did mention it in my support groups. Well God made the decision for us as unfortunatley Alan's cancer has spread to his brain and he will not be able to return to work.

Are you Selfish?? not in the least!!!!!! At least not in my opinion.

I will pray for you and your husband.

Debbie

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I'm coming from the patient's angle here, but I certainly don't think you are selfish at all. Since I was diagnosed, I've continued to work FT, except for those times I was having procedures, and was sick last spring with my gallbladder problems. To this day, I drive myself to all appointments, scans, etc., and go by myself, and then on to work. The one concession I made was to leave work a bit early because I had to get home to rest. So, I adjusted the morning hours so that I still put in just about a full day, 5 days a week.

It's a "can do" thing for me, I guess, but I live alone, so there isn't really a comparison with your situation. I just know that working gives me a purpose, I interact with people all day every day, and I like what I do. I'd a lot rather spend my days like that for as long as I can. No, I don't want to hear anyone say I have "x" days or months left, because no one knows that. All they can do is guess, and anyone who tries saying that to me, gets this back: "I could outlive you, you know."

As long as I can drag my carcass out of the bed, into the shower, and pull on clothes and still add 2 and 2 and come up with 4, I guess I'll be working. A huge incentive is keeping my insurance, but if I become disabled and can't work, it will continue for a year with no premium, so I do have that cushion if I need it.

Just take care. You have a tough job, but remember that your husband has a tougher one. Enjoy each day that you have together. There were no guarantees before the SCLC diagnosis, and there aren't any now.

You both have my best wishes.

Di

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Hi Sandy,

This is coming from a patients point of view. I worked during most of my treatments. My drs. even suggested that working is better than not. It helps to have other things to think about other than dwelling on the CANCER. In fact, I went to all my treatments, and all my dr. appointments alone. I continue to go alone. Going by myself makes me feel that I have some control. Crazy, but I feel in control. But to answer your question are you selfish NO, because you love him. But remember you both need normalcy in your life.

Best Wishes,

Dee

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I really do appreciate all of your answers. It is wonderful to hear from the patient's point of view. It is difficult for me to see things from "your shoes". Thank you so much for that. Larry does insist on me being there for all his treatments and appointments so he does want my support. Today I remembered something I once heard. "To have a really good marriage, you must give 100%". I guess I was thinking 50/50 and I wanted my 50%. I need to give DH all 100%. Maybe this is the only way he can deal.

Hugs,

Sandy

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Hi Sandy,

I, too, am not spending as much time with my dad as I would like. He lives 6 hours away and only comes to the city for his treatments or checkups. :(

What is this sinus infection that you speak of? My dad woke up with a hoarse voice and a clogged nose today. They say it might be an infection... Is Ronnie taking any medication for this? Thanks so much. Hope he is well.

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It is quite natural to want the time with your husband. It is also quite normal for him to want to work and put some normalcy back into his life. This is an area you both need to talk about together and find a middle ground that will help you both. It's tough but worth it. Good luck. Don

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i am sorry. I don't think you are selfish. If I were you, I must ask him to quit the job, but not this moment.

He is probably in the "Denial" stage that he isn't ready or even accept the fact. Give him some time and talk to him regularly & one day, he may know & understand what are the most appropriate things he should do.

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First of all, you are NOT selfish to want as much quality time as you can have with the human being you care most for in this world.

If I were afraid I was going to lose Mark sooner than expected, I'd probably want to just soak in his presence all day long and might find it hard to part with him for many hours each day. And, if he were tired and worn out by the time he came home to spend time with me, I might feel he was giving his energy and "strong" time to others when he should give it to me.

In our case, I'm the one with cancer. I only work part time and I feel well all the time, so it hasn't been an issue. I just asked Mark for his opinion. He said, "I think being able to go to work like usual and being kept busy all day probably helps keep him (your husband) sane in the middle of this scary time."

Maybe he could compromise and take off one afternoon a week to spend just with you doing something you both can enjoy? You still need his affection and companionship.

Sending strength and caring thoughts,

Leslie

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