Jump to content

My grief thought of the day


Treebywater

Recommended Posts

People who know me pretty well--especially my in-person friends, though I'm sure it comes through on-line too--tell me that I am always thinking, and that most of the time the fact that I'm thinking doesn't stop registering on my face.

And what I do is think about stuff. And then think about what I'm thinking about. It all gets very circular sometimes and can get me into trouble if I don't watch it.

All that to say that I have these observational thoughts about grief all the time now. They aren't like, "ouch that hurts" thoughts, though sometimes they spring from things that do hurt. They are just thoughts about the process. Thoughts that come from thinking about thinking about it. ;)

(I'm really blathering here, so I better just get to the point.)

Today's thought was this:

When I get a cold or the flu or just something little and sicky, and I'm on the mend, I usually have a day or two when I try to resume normal activities before my body really feels up to it.

So I'll go out and doing the flight of stairs will just really wind me or I'll just feel so listless that conversing with people takes too much energy, and all of a sudden I will go... Hmmm... I guess I'm really NOT well enough to be out and about.

Well I found out today that grief can be like that too.

We had a weinie roast here at our house tonight for our neighborhood--pretty ambitious for Dad and I, I guess.

Anyway, I was out there and had the same sort of thoughts... I guess I'm not well enough to be doing this afterall. I'm not as far as I thought. This is really taking a lot more out of me than I expected and it's because of where I am in this recovery

I just thought the parallel was interesting. And I think some days I'd be more ready than others.

So there is my thinking about thinking about grief thought.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are funny. I do the cyclical thinking thing too. Maybe your heart wasn't totally into the cookout, but you did it! I guess this is part of new normal for you. I think it is good that you take the time to recognize that this is part of the very long process of grief. Keep processing these feelings and thoughts, it will surely help in the long run.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A DOGGIE roast, Val!!!! WOW :D !!! You and Dad ARE very ambitious. I am surprised you even attempted that.

I have a 'feeling' that this was your idea and you talked Dad into it :wink: . Good for you. And good for you - even though your heart was not really into it.

Wish I lived in your neighborhood :lol: !!!

Love,

Kasey

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know what you mean. There have been many times over the last year that we have been at social events and I thought I just don't have the energy for this. They really don't seem as much fun or as important anymore. Thank goodness I have a great group of friends that understand. Even though my Dad is still with us, I believe I have been grieving him since the day we found out he had cancer. Grieve is so very hard on everyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am the same exact way! I cannot tell you how many times my best friend has screamed at me "STOP THINKING". It has been going on since high school and I'm 41 now. Give yourself the time that you need to heal, it will come slowly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I totally get what you are saying. I feel exactly the same (How surprising! :) That seems to happen quite alot).

Some days I am quite perky on the outside and capable of socialising, chatting and carrying on with all the "social norms". Then other days it all seems way too hard and I want to hide away from everyone and be alone with my thoughts. I guess it is like the parallel you drew with being sick, and sometimes you only realise you're not really up for much when you try to do a few things. I have been going through this alot recently as well, with having loads of visitors since the birth of Veronika a couple of weeks ago. I will be doing quite fine at keeping it together and smiling and being friendly and then I hit the wall and want everyone to go away! I have a feeling this is how it will be for some time to come.

Thinking of you

Jana

xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's weird. It still happens me too.

For me, in the beginning, I was exactly the same way. You think you have something thought thru...and then you were like- WHAT was I thinking? Or you think you are prepared for what is about to happen, or what could happen...and you feel your grief like you NEVER thought it was possible.

I went thru a very long phase where I thought everything was pointless, not important enough, or worthy of my time...because, after all- what's more important than a serious illness or the death of your loved one? It's grief that kept me feeling like that- shunning away from life, or the little things that make up our days- or the mundane things that the people around you are preoccupied with.

Then, one day, you realize that you are back into life, the mundane things, the little things that make you smile, the things that weren't so important that are now taking up your time once again.

In all honesty, I'd rather be the person worried about stupid and little things than what all of us here worried about, cried about, grieve over. Were'nt we all "that person", before LC hit our lives?

I think I got off on a ramble here. Sorry Val. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate this post so much and I completely understand.

We have no choice but to live after the loss of a loved one. It's how we choose to live it is what dictates how the rest of our lives will be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.