Some Advice If Possible

[Chris Norfolk]

Firstly can I say hi to everyone who uses this board and to send out my thoughts to all dealing with this terrible illness.

I wont go into too much detail and bore you all, but I am kind of desperate to see if anyone can offer me any advice.

My Father (age 61 and lives in Australia) was diagnosed in June 05 with cancer of the lung which has also spread to his brain. This of course menat that there is no positive outcome and as you can probably imagine came like a kick in teeth to him and my family (by the way, I live in the UK - moved here 10 years ago from Oz and married with a nearly 2 yo daughter and another due in April next year).

The doctors intially only gave him 3 months, he went ahead with the radiology on the tumours in the brain as the were the main area of concern and then quite a few courses of chemo which worked quite well and he easily passed the 3 month "target".

I flew back and spent 4 days with him at Xmas thinking it would be the last time I would see him and then again in April this year thinking that this would be the last.

Anyway, Dad has deteriorated significantly over the last month or so, he only has use of his left arm and his legs are literally skin and bone. He is totally bed-ridden. Last Monday (sept 11th) he had a severe seizure which lasted over 10 mins and was taken to hospital and then sent home a few hours later and given some anti-epilectic medication to help with the possibility of future seizures.

I had honestly thought that I would be on a plane at some stage last week. His speech is now quite slurred and he is mentally thinking he is somewhere else, with different people etc for periods of time.

I know that the end is near, he is physically weak and he has had enough of it all and today was speaking to his doctor about how the end will be for him (he was getting quite emotional my brother told me as I think he is very aware that it is all coming to an end).

If anyone has had a loved one who has gone thru this, can you let me know what to look out for when I speak to my family? Unfortunatey I really only have a 2 week window of opportunity to be there at the end and I know that no 2 people experiences are the same, but if anyone could help me, I would very much appreciate it.

Although nothing compared to what dad must be going thru, it has been really hard not wanting the phone to ring or being able to really plan anything in case i need to be on a plane at any second.

I love my dad very much and will miss him terribly and I want tobe there with him at the end, but i can't help but feel that i wont be able to.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks for taking the time read this and I wish all of you the very, very best for the future.

Chris

[MilliBr1]

Hi Chris, welcome to the board, but so sorry you have to be here.

When the end was close for my mom she hardly ate and slept most of the time. The day she died she did wake up a bit more and tried to talk more but unfortunantely it she didn't make any sense and we couldn't make out what she was trying to tell us.

Here is a link that may help:

http://www.hospicepatients.org/hospic60.html

[flwrjunke]

Chris,

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.

It's so hard to know for sure when the end is near. With my MIL, they told us for 3 weeks that today could be the day. She was such a fighter and not ready to go she hung on with everything she had.

With my Mom, I noticed some of the detachment signs on the weekend before she passed but I honestly didn't believe that we were that close. She was sleeping alot more. It was on Monday night that she got agitated as I was getting ready to go home. I went to tell her goodbye and she got very upset. We calmed her down and tried to leave again.

The next morning we were unable to wake her and by 2 pm, she was gone. She had told me the Wednesday before that she was tired of living like this and was ready to go.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Is there any way you can take a leave from work to be there?

Patty

[Don M]

I am sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. I hope you get to be with your dad at the end. I lost a brother and a friend to lc. They both had large brain tumors. They both had a seizure and died at the seizure. They were both lucid and comfortable until the end.

Don M

[MsC1210]

Hello Chris and welcome.

I am so sorry about your dad. I can understand how difficult this is for you.

I cannot offer much as far as advice but I did want to welcome you and let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please keep us posted and let us know how we can help you through this,

My best to you and your family,

Chris

[prairiecrow]

Although nothing compared to what dad must be going thru, it has been really hard not wanting the phone to ring or being able to really plan anything in case i need to be on a plane at any second.

It's okay to feel frustration and pain of your own, or even angry and upset. I think that's part of the normal process, and I guess what I'm saying is that if you're being hard on yourself because of it -- don't be.

When my mother-in-law and brother-in-law passed away (both from lung cancer), they each spent most of their last few days deeply asleep, with only very brief periods of lucidity. But it sounds like different people will react in different ways.

Wishing all the best for you and your family,

Laurie

[sharyn]

Unfortunately, as everyone has said before me, there are no cut and dry answers... My Dad was really unconscious for the two days prior to his passing, but.. he was also in morphine which I know effected his lucidity. The doctors had given him a few hours... and he lasted 7 days.... so as you can see, there is only one person who knows the answer to this question... and I don't think he will post on this board!!! Is Dad able to talk with you on the phone? If so, I would make lots of phone calls and just make sure there was nothing left unsaid... I believe everything happens for a reason and if you are meant to be there when Dad passes, you will be there. I stayed at the hospital 24/7 with my Dad for 6 days... on the 7th day I went home for 2 hours... and that is when he passed. So, as I said, what is meant to be, will be. I wish you peace during this time. Love, Sharon

[RandyW]

10 Minutes before my wife passed away everything was normal except for labored breathing. All her vital signs were normal. She had no brain tumours. She was not on a respirator. THE DAMN CANCER was on every other organ though. and she just decided it was time to go. YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW!!!

[bauner95]

So sorry for what you are going through. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer you some support.

[Chris Norfolk]

To everyone who has offered their thoughts and support - thank you so very much.

When I came back on here just now I was totally overwhelmed by your replies.

I spoke yesterday to my mum (she and my dad divorced about 15 years ago, but funnily enough this has helped them to get over whatever differences they had and are friends again). She told me that the Dr had been to see dad and dad got quite emotional asking how it is going to be at the end etc.

He also asked whether they would be able to give him something to "help" him then and of course the answer was no.

I can't believe that when mum is telling me all this that I am nodding and listening and commenting all matter of factly - did anyone else feel guilty by becoming almost detached (not sure if that is the right word to describe it) but i really needed to do it that way - it's not that i dont care, i was just going mad over it and i was almost obsessed.

My older brother (in Oz) just called and has bought a new mobile phone and is going to try and take some video of dad on sunday and send to me - that is good, but also bad as I know it wil be a big shock to me.

I am trying to talk to dad every other day on the phone,but it's so hard as i can hear him getting more slurred and i try to talk about my 2 year old and how my wife is getting over morning sickness (just in the afternoon now ) but its just so hard.

My work have been quite good in understanding the situation, and i would love to just get on a plane and spend time indefintely over there, but its not really practical - i sometimes wonder why did i move here, but as i know, i could be next door and still not be there i guess....

Dad had a nibble at a subway yesterday, but not much more than that.

I dont want him to go, but i dont want him to just exist either. This is so hard.

Chris

[MsC1210]

Hi Chris,

Thank you for the update. I know this is a very difficult situaion for you and your love and compassion for your dad are so evident in your words.

Please do not be too hard on yourself. All of the emotions you are experiencing are pretty typical. This is a very bumpy ride you are on.

Keep doing what you are with the phone calls and keeping in touch with your dad. I am sure he appreciates hearing from you and he understands the constraints that the distance in miles has put on the situation.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and I hope the "afternoon sickness" eases very soon for your wife!

Hugs

Chris

[SBeth]

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much and trying to balance everything with the distance between yourself and your father. While I no longer have my husband's bio attached to my profile; I can tell you that my husband's lung cancer was already in the brain in several areas when he was diagnosed. He underwent sugeries to remove the brain tumors and then followed up with whole brain radiation as further suspicious areas turned up in the months following the surgeries. The effects of the brain radiation could be causing your father's increased confusion. We also noticed that a sudden increase or decrease in the prescribed amount of Decadron, or any steroid used to decrease swelling to the tumors, would cause similar confusion. The fact of the matter is that once cancer is spreading thru the body, there is no easy answer about how the end will happen or when the end will happen. My husband was feeling very well just 9 days prior to his death. Two days prior to his death, he began displaying symptoms which lead his Hospice team to the conclusion that he had only a few days left and they were correct. I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when you just want to know "when" and nobody can tell you. I hope you are able to be there with your father and find peace in spending time with him. My prayers will be with you.