How to help them?

[rmm17]

Since our Mom died just over a month ago, I have been trying to stay extra close to my little brothers (not so little, they're 18 yrs.). The last few years we havent been that close b/c i was in college. Now i am getting my masters degree out of state so its even harder. Plus, they are so busy with they're friends that i don't think they really want to talk to me that much. Nevertheless, I will keep try because we are all the "family" we really have. We have our Dad and stepmom, but none of us our that close to them. I just feel like now that my Mom is gone...i am the only one that they really have left. I just need some advice on how to make sure they know i love them (when i tell them they usually say "ok").Also, how can i help them cope with Mom's death and everything else. For example, one of the twins just quit high school and there is nothing I can do to make him go back. I am trying to help him make good choices, but i cant do as much as i would like from 600 miles away. Ugh..i am so sorry for the rant. I am just feel lost and confused right now.

Rochelle

[Don Wood]

Hang in there, Rochelle. You're doing the right thing in maintaining link to your brothers. All moms want that for their kids. A lot of what my kids and I do lately, we say with sincerity, "I'm doing this because Mom would want me to", especially about family things. Blessings. Don

[mamasbabygirl]

I feel ya Rochelle. My brother is 21 and he seemed to never even acknowledge mom was sick, dying, etc.

I think maybe it is just the age. My brother is very busy with college, friends, etc. I always worry that one of these days it will all hit him hard that he lost his mother and I will be there for him then. This year for Christmas I made him a scrapbook of his life with the things that mom left behind (letters from Santa, CubScout pictures, all of the accomplishments he made with mom at his side). I figure he can look at that any time and know he had a mom who loved him so much.

As far as life decisions go, just reach out and tell them "I'm here and I want to be involved in your life-please call me". If you tell them that enough and practice it, they will learn to rely on you as the "matriarch" or sister who really has her head on straight.

Prayers for you as you face so much right now. XOXO

[Nick C]

OK, here's a male perpective. Boys are DIFFERENT!

On the telling them you love them. I loved my mother. But only after I turned thirty did I finish conversations or visits saying so (she wasn't sick at that point). I said to her once, I don't know when I stopped saying it. She said boys grow up and at some point they grow embarrassed to say it, and then they never get back to saying it. I say you keep saying it...them knowing your love is there is important...one day they may even acknowlegde it verbally. But boys will be boys.

Regarding the one quitting highschool. Rochelle, the kid is 18, he can vote, go off to war, work...he is an adult. One thing I have heard about being a parent (and the same goes for older sibling) is that the choices of our children (or younger siblings) may be disappointing to us. But they will make their decisions as they will. So you are entitled to tell him he is making a mistake, make your position known, but then you aren't going to change a thing. I have an older half sister who has made terrible choices and try as I might, there's no guiding her differently.

Let them know you love them...it'll be enough.

[Geri]

I was 16 and my sister 19 when our Mom died, Pat made the fatal mistake (with our Dad's encouragement) of trying to be "mother".

I fought her every step of the way for months until she got the message, she was my sister and that's what I wanted, just my sister.

I didn't want her 'in charge', my world had changed drastically and I wanted that part of my world to stay the same.

The boys both know that you love them and are there for them, they will mature eventually as Nick said so until that happens just enjoy them as they are.

Geri

[crystleshoe]

i can only give you some insight from my point of view. I have 2 sons(24&16 and 1 daughter(21) and i have found that my daughter loves to talk about things and have everything out in the open and the boys tend to close up into themselves and need more time to come to grips with things. Since your brothers are 18 I bet they dont want to deal with all the emotional stuff and Im sure they dont want to see you upset, I think if you stay in close contact with them(e-mail,phone etc.) they will know that you love them. You cant make choices for them and you dont have to approve of all the choices they make, just let them know you will be there to help them pick up the pieces when they need your help. I am sure that your mom would be so proud of you. Dont give up on the boys just keep in mind they are boys and they dont think like us woman.

cheryl

[Treebywater]

Rochelle--I think Geri is saying something really important here. I so admire you, and love you for wanting to care for them so, but.... I don't think your Mom would expect you to keep them from making poor choices. I mean, not even a parent can do that. You don't have to be "Mom" now in any way. Just be the best Rochelle you can be.

Be there... and do the cool sister stuff. Send care packages or goofy comic strips or whatever is their thing and keep talking to them even if they just want to talk about XBoxes. And, I would say, don't be afraid to keep your Mom in your lives by just talking about her--without even trying to get into the 'how are you feeling' stuff.

And don't lose track of Rochelle in all of this either. Take care of you, and even though you've just been dealt this incredibly terrible blow.... try to soak into this part of your life (in the moments when the grief isn't in charge) too.