Tears for Mom and Dad

[Wendykay]

I love this site you all make me feel like I am not alone, however somedays I feel like I can't think of anything but my parents. My Dad was just diagnosed with lc. non-sm cell. I am the youngest of 5 childrenn when I say youngerI am 13

than the sibling right befor me. I am a nurse and when we went to my Dad's first oncvisit they only wanted me and my parents in the exam room. my mom for some strange reason did want to stay. My dad asked about what stage he was in, and how long he has...I had known and didn't say anything I did not want to play doctor. anyway it was the hardest day of my life. watching my Dad's eye's and seeing him tear up...tryin hard to hold back all my tears..tyring to be "strong".

I am also the only child who lives in the same town. I have been spending everyday with them helping keep there mind off things. Everyone says you have to be strong....for your mom. Sometimes it sucks being the strong one.

[Shelley (MLC)]

Hi, it is so very hard to have to be the "strong" one, but I'm sure both of your parents are very thankful that you can be that person. I am also the strong one in my family. My mom doesn't want to ask any questions and I am also a nurse (married to a physician) and am all to well aware of what "may" be ahead for her. The key word however is "may" There are quite a few people on this site that have defied the odds. I think that all the statistics we read in books and on the internet are quite outdated. My mom has stage 4 squamous cell and if she were to read what the internet has to say about that, she would have given up the day she was diagnosed. Instead, she is doing GREAT and I am sure that mush of that has to do with hope and belief. I'm not sure what you and your dad were told, but please don't accept that as fact. Continue to read the stories on this site. I have found them a great souce of hope and inspiration to me. Shelley

[teriw]

It is hard to be the strong one. It sounds to me like you're playing an invaluable role in both of your parent's lives right now. Stay strong and come here for support from people who know.

[kamataca]

Remember, you don't have to be 'strong' 24/7. Give yourself a break when you can. Come here and visit and blow off steam. I learned the hard way early on---you can't take care of others if you do not take care of yourself. If you crash and burn, you are of no help to anyone else. Please take care of yourself.

Kelly

[DanaBrooke]

yes, its hard to be the strong one- but you need to make time for YOU!! I just got married and left my husband for a few months to live with my parents and help take care of my mom. My husband is an amazing support but I had to be the "strong" one for my dad. You need to take time to be alone and let yourself have the melt down you need- this is very hard and only gets harder. But being able to care for your loved one is a VERY special gift- you are the lucky one to live close to your parents- spend as much time with them and you will have No regrets!!

[kaneohegirl]

I live at home with my husband and 3 young kids. my father is now staying here with us FT. I AM THE ONLY ONE... thus the strong one ... the one that does everything.... I am the only one that can do meds... the only one that knows about Drs... ect....

its not for a lack of trying ... my hubby just doesnt get it. so there are times i the afternoon that I LEAVE...I go away... I paint ceramics an zone out... if I dont get away from everyone for a little while I am liable to loose it.

dont get me wrong my hubby is great I can rant an cry and yell at him an even get him to clean the bathroom but it is not a replacement for the time away... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO

[missyk]

WendyKay(Hey! My "k" comes from my middle name of Kay, too!)...

Being strong. Wow does that bring it all back! Just remember our "strength" comes from an inner well that needs replenished sometimes and that taking time for yourself doesn't mean you're not being strong...it means that you'll be able to be strong for longer.

Keep coming back whenever you need...we'll be here and help your through as best we can.

XOXO

[ernrol]

Wendy,

Being strong is part of the battle. Being positive is more of the battle. Tears are common. When I was told that I had stage IV lung cancer with a pleural effusion, that there is no cure, that they could not operate or use radiation, that with no treatment I should go to Hospice and with treatment I had 18 months tops, I did have a few tears at first. After a while of feeling sorry for my self I decided to fight and decided that with the help of my God that I had a chance of beating the odds. If I had believed my prognoses I would not be here now. Being a nurse you may tend to believe what the doctors say more than my family. You and your mom need to be part of a team for your dad. You need to tell us a little more about your dad’s cancer. There is not a cancer that someone has not beaten, so why not your dad. I would always consider a second opinion no matter what. Keep us posted.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[daddyslittlegirl]

I'd have to agree with Ernie. I know it's hard to be strong, but your strength will help to keep your parents positive and hopefully give your dad more fight. I'm praying for that anyway. In the meantime, don't neglect yourself. Make sure you have the time to let your emotions out as well. We are hear to listen anytime. Hang in there!

[blueeye]

I know how you feel! My brother lives out of town--but in the same state--and is of no help. I backed Mom up when Daddy was sick and we really took care of him. I just "assist" her now.

I get really angry with my brother. Not because I am bitter about helping Mom out, I wouldn't have it any other way. BUT he just breezes in here (twice since her dx) and has no idea about what is going on! I worry about getting her to appointments, test results, getting financial assistance, getting medicine filled, getting groceries, keeping up the house and I work full time.

But I've gotta say that I don't know what everyone means by "you've gotta take care of yourself". Am I just supossed to leave her here alone and go off? I am not about to do that.

I don't think I was any help here...I just wanted to tell you that I know how you feel...and I guess vent a little myself!

[tiredmom959]

I can identify blueeye ... I have THREE brothers, all with kids (my mom grandkids) who are adults now and could help and I'm the only one. They all came around right when she was diagnosed, but I guess when they saw she was going to be around a little longer than we thought, they disappeared.

My one sister-in-law always said "if you need me, just let me know".

From last May forward, I've taken my mom to every appointment, every shot, every chemo, every bloodwork, every scan, sat through four or five transfusions, went to diabetes education with her ... well you know the drill. None of my brothers could even tell you her doctor's name. I've painted their entire house, every room, their deck, mow their yard, grocery shop (although they can do some of that), make sure they have their prescriptions, my husband moved their washer dryer from the basement to the first floor, redid their bathroom shower, etc., etc.

Finally mom was ready to come home from her lobectomy in December. I had been there 7 days straight, and was there that morning, but that Saturday night my husband's new boss wanted us to come to a Christmas dinner. Since I had hardly seen my husband for the previous six months, I really wanted to go for him. If she got released early in the day, we'd make it, but if not, we had to leave the hospital for the dinner.

That was the ONE AND ONLY time I called my brother/SIL and asked if they could bring mom home from the hospital if she didn't get released until later in the day ... sorry, they were having neighbors over for a Christmas gathering and she was busy making appetizers. And of course i've taken her everywhere since Christmas too!

I just figure I get along with my brothers (on a surface type level, we have no real relationship other than running into each other at my parents or extended family gatherings) for my parent's sake. I'm polite and friendly toward them ... but I also know that once my parents are gone, that will probably be the last I have anything to do with them. I have good friends (both male and female) that I am far closer to than my siblings ... I think if you can have a great relationship with someone that is also biologically related, that's great. But if you can't, don't kill yourself trying to "fix it" or be angry over it.

I figure they'll either be (1) sorry when my parents are gone that they didn't appreciate them, or (2) are the type of people I wouldn't want anything to do with anyway. I also take a small amount of pleasure figuring what goes around comes around ... I'm sure their kids will be no where in sight when they are my parent's age.

I also guess they just view my parents differently than I do for whatever reason that isn't worth dwelling on, and I will never regret a thing I did for my parents. We're just different that way, no need trying to figure it ou t.

OK, off the soap box!!! Just wanted to let you know, you def have company!