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The Price of Love


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It is nearly 1am and I can't sleep though I am very tired. I seem to have that problem the past several nights. Tonight it was thoughts and a lonly and heavy spirit that cluctched at my heard and kept me from drifting off.

I started not to come here. I come so seldom any more that I feel almost as if I have no right. Still I needed somewhere to put these thoughts and feelings that are crowding in on me and I knew there would be no other place. I know that I can come here and open up my mind and heart and even if no one answers there will be someone who reads my words and in their heart will say "I understand".

Five years ago today I sat in a waiting room at the hospital in Washington. Johnny was in surgery having a lyph node tested that was supposed to diagnose his cancer. I remember how alone and afraid I was that day. Everything I owned was in my car in the parking lot. I had no home any more and I had been with Johnny less than a week. We had had only 2 short days together before he had been rushed by ambulance to the hospital with pneumonia.

I remember while the doctor was talking telling him that he had lung cancer he held my hand a squeezed and asked only what was next. He left no doubt that he was ready to fight for his life, for our life together. Later that day when he was very quiet and I could see him thinking I asked what was wrong and he said he was just trying to think what he had done to deserve cancer. I don't think I ever loved him more than I did at that moment when I told him that bad things happen to good people.

All of those years ago when we met I learned early that love hurt. The sweet aching of a love that is so strong it makes you ache inside. Then when suddenly he was gone from me I learned a new kind of pain. Yes love hurt then and years later I have learned that lesson more than ever.

There is a price to pay for everything in this life. I guess it stands to reason that what keeps the world turning and brings so much joy would exact the most payment, that lonliness and sorrow and a deep aching pain should be the payment for so much love. For so much joy.

I have payed a heavy price for not only my love for Johnny but for all of my family because I always seem to be seperated from some or all of them. That is my payment for love. Seperation and lonliness and a deep and tearing heartache.

Despite all of that I can't imagine the alternative. What would it be like to not love or be loved? What would the purpose of life be if you could not see that light come into the eyes of someone you love? I have been blessed with beautiful children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren. So much love to give and recieve and I think back on the love between Johnny and I and I know what a truly special gifts I have been given.

How great is a love that can reach across over 40 years and three thousand miles to bring two wounded hearts together so they can spend the last 5 months that they would share this Earth at the same time together?

So much love and such high prices but I would not have given up one to avoid the other.

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How true your words are! Of course you have a right to come here and post your thoughts and feelings.

Every time I hear the sone "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, I think the same thoughts that you just stated in your post. "I could have missed the pain but I would have to miss the dance." Like you, the pain has been terrible for me but I would be rather face the pain than to have missed all the love that Dennis and I shared in our years together.

Hope you were able to sleep after "talking" to us!!!

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Ya got me cryin but happy mostly tears. Thats so sweet and Thanks. Hope the sun shines brighly today for you.

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Hi Lil

Glad you posted. I hope some of the responses helped you a bit.

You are lucky that you and Johnnie shared such a special even though it was short lived. You seemed to have lived so much in those 5 months than some people do in a lifetime.

Take care my friend and come visit anytime.


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So very, very true. As I often tell my kids (and myself), if we didn't love the ones who are gone so much, if we hadn't been loved by them so much, it wouldn't hurt as much.

Buried somewhere in there is consolation.

Hope getting the words out helped you get some sleep. I hate 1:00 in the morning.


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