Hurricane Information

[Ann]

Everyone....we are now in possession of our instructions to deal with the 2007 season which started June 1. If you live here, print this out for

future reference, if not, pray for us.

To All of Florida & Texas Gulf Coast area:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherman pointing to some radar blob

out in the Atlantic or Texas Gulf and making two basic meteorological points.

1. There is no need to panic

2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Fl or on the TX Gulf coast. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need

to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "The Big One". Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane-preparedness plan.

1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

2. Put these supplies in your car.

3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in FL or TX Gulf

coast.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane-preparedness items.

HURRICANE INSURANCE

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, provided that your home meets two

basic requirements.

1. It is reasonably well-built.

2. It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South FL or TX Gulf coast, or any other area that could actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance

companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. So, you'll have to scrounge for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual

premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan

are entitled, upon demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, doors.......And, if it is a major hurricane, the toilets. There are several

types of shutters, all with advantages and disadvantages.

A. Plywood shutters: Advantage is that because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

B. Sheet metal shutters: These work well, once you get them all up. But, once you get them up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps that will

not heal until December.

C. Roll down shutters: The cream of the crop in shutters, they are very easy to use and will definitely stay up. Sadly, you will have to sell

your house to pay for them.

HURRICANE PROOF WINDOWS

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane force winds. You can

be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like BBQ grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should,

as a precaution, throw these into the swimming pool. If you don't have one, get one installed immediately. Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE

If you live in a low lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine if you live in a low lying area, look at your driver's

license. If the address says FL or TX Gulf coast area, you live in a low-lying area.

The purpose of an evacuation route is quite simple. It is to avoid being trapped in your home when the storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped

in a gigantic traffic jam several hundred miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be alone.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES

If you don't evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last bottle of water. In addition to food and water, you will need the following:

A. 23 flashlights

B. At least $156.00 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for when the power goes off.

C. Bleach. (I don't know what for. Nobody seems to know what for but, it's traditional, so get some.)

D. A buggy full of deodorant.

E. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (ask anyone who went thru Camille or Audrey, there will be irate alligators)

F. $35,000 worth of cash or diamonds so that you can buy a generator after the storm has passed from some man with no discernable teeth.

These are all, of course, just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important to keep abreast of the situation by turning on the TV and watching reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the gulf and tell you over and over

and over how important it is for everyone to stay away from the gulf.

Last, but not least, do not move to Nebraska, everyone knows you will get picked up by a tornado and carried to someplace called Oz. I saw what it

was like in Oz on HBO and you DO NOT want to go there

[lilyjohn]

Having been through some of these things I can see that it is all prety well covered here and VERY accurate

[laban]

So true Ann. I cannot figure out why people still want to move here.

[ginnyde]

Ann, I know hurricanes are serious business but this is hysterical. I loved the 23 flashlights.

[Nova]

I just posted that on the dulcimer site that I read sometimes! I LOVED it!!!! It's so true!

[Linda661]

Oh Ann....lol, but this really is serious business!

I hope everyone in these areas are taking storms seriously. If no one has noticed, they are getting worse due to global warming issues. I'm about to take classes in CERT (Community Emergency Response Training) due to this stuff in my area -- our local emergency crews can't respond fast enough in times like we're having lately. I've got folks around me who aren't prepared in such matters while we too in WA are getting more severe, unpredictable, conditions...... our last winter storms found that it was me and my neighbors that only had each other to depend on for at least a week -- some spots in my area had about a month before things could be restored as fully functional.

Now, I am rural but, I can't believe that similar issues don't arise in surburia.

Don't mean to be a downer -- just please prepare to be able to take of yourselves in things such as this!

Linda

[wendyr]

I want to share Maurice's perspective on hurricanes. He was born and raised in Fort Lauderdale and knows a little bit about them.

When a hurricane is bearing down on us he always tells me to go to the liquor store and buy bourbon.

Category 1 Hurricane: it's going to be a 1 bottle blow, but buy one bottle for the blow and one for the clean up.

Category 2 Hurricane: a 2 bottle blow plus one for the clean up

Category 3 Hurricane: a 3 bottle blow plus 2 for the clean up.

Category 4 Hurricane: a 4 bottle blow but none for the clean up as we will not be drinking here on the beach. Time to get outta here and drink the bourbon in Atlanta.

wendyr

[Ann]

After living through back-to-back hurricanes in 2004, Frances and Jeanne, this cracks me up. Everyone I have shown this to has cracked up laughing.

Yes, Linda, I do understand that a hurricane is serious business but after living in Florida all these years and actually dealing with most everything in this little funny, you have to try and take a "light" attitude about the whole thing!

Our homeowners insurance rates are absolutely ricidulous and many of the people that struggle to pay these outrageous amounts would still not be able to have repairs done if they have damage, as the deductibles are so high!!! If my house should catch on fire (God forbid) I would have a $200.00 deductible to replace the damage. If my house is damaged by a hurricane, my deductible is $3,976.00.

Insurance companies either are, or have already, cancelled policies for thousands of Florida homeowners. Many people are losing their homes just because they can't afford the insurance.

So...you have to find something to be cheerful about at this time of year here in Florida!!!

Oops...gotta run...I think I need another 10 gallons of bleach, 6 cases of tuna, bottled water and more batteries, as there are three systems, with the potential to "start spinning," looming out there as we speak.

[trish2418]

Ann, I can't believe you forgot the containers of gasoline to run your generator. The noise from the generator will not allow you to hear the television or to sleep at night, but it will keep the beer cold. We do have our priorities!

Trish

[Ann]

Absolutely...gotta have that cold brewsky!!! Plus, with the generator I can have a fan, use my electric roaster to cook a meal, grab my little television (with rabbit ears) and get some news, and last but not least....use my computer to check the LCSC MB!!!

[Bev'sSister]

That was too cute! I am not from Fla. or the Texas Coast, but I think Katrina and Rita made me a pro. Everyone I know is prepared. We start getting things together when the wind picks up around here.

[Welthy]

I have to say I laughed my "you know what" off reading this post! (And yes, I know how serious these storms are...)

We are/were snowbirds and worry about our condo in Florida during this time of the year, but avoided that by having a tornado here in IL.

Here's another salient point for those of us snowbird types. We can have hurricane shutters on our condo, per those bleeping covenants, but can't put them on unless the area is threatened. Hmmm... let's see, I'll race down there to put them on, leave the area to avoid the hurricane, then race back to take them down to avoid fines. Yeah, right. If one hits, I hope that grill on my lanai (yes, I'm down with FL lingo) lands squarely on the damn solar pool panels that we were gouged for last year that haven't worked.

Ann is right, home insurance rates are horrific (if you can get insurance) and the deductibles are worse. I could get better rates from some guy named Vinnie on a corner in NJ. You ought to see what the deductibles are for boats! Fuggetaboutit!! Glad we dumped both of ours. Tropical storm something-or-another (73 mph)that hit 3 days after 9/11 tore all of our canvass to shreds and we didn't come close to meeting the deductible on our boat insurance. At least it didn't sink like 13 other's did that day. Yo' Vinnie!!

AND -- if I knew there was a Cat 5 heading my way 5 days in advance, you betcha' I'd run, not walk somewhere else. Never understood how, sitting in IL, we knew people should be getting the hell out of the way of Katrina, but people down there thought they'd wait it out. And please don't tell me they couldn't leave -- just review the video footage following that storm. There were cars parked all over the place in all areas of N.O. A few gallons of gas & some carpooling would have saved many roof-sitters.