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Happy Birthday, Mom.


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Hey everyone...sorry I've been scarce lately. I've been keeping up on everyone, and thinking of everyone, crying, commiserating, (and sometimes laughing) with everyone's posts, and sometimes responding. But I just have this feeling that maybe I've said it all and I don't want to burden everyone with my repetitive thoughts...does anyone ever feel that way? I sit down to write and then I think - does anyone really want to read this? It's nothing at all to do with this wonderful and supportive group, it's just me, worn out with it all I guess.

Also, I'm just so in denial these days - I'm in my second year without Mom and I find that it's easier to force thoughts of her not being here right out of my mind. It's the reality that she is gone FOREVER that is setting in, and the pain is so deep. The baby she never got to see, who was kicking me when she died and who she was so excited to meet...that baby is turning one on Wednesday and we are having party on Saturday. She would have been so excited, so in love with him. He is a devilish, adorable little boy - she had a weak spot for that.

It's been a hard week - my birthday was Friday and Mom's birthday is today, and we always had a little celebration together. I know I've told this story before, but when I was born, my mom brought me home from the hospital on her 30th birthday, and she always told me that I was "the best present she ever got!" That always made my heart swell. And another Thanksgiving coming up...haven't even started to think about that, much less another Christmas without her.

So I took the kids to the cemetery today and Mom's plain white stone was decked out already - my sisters had gone yesterday. It's always kind of our way of bucking the system since Mom is in Arlington National Cemetery and they have very strict policies. There are all these very stoic matching gravestones and then there's my mom's - I walked up today and there were cards, flowers, a teddy bear and a balloon, like a clown car had just driven by and thrown a bunch of stuff out the window. It made me laugh and cry at the same time. After I added the kids' cards they had made, some photos and more flowers, you could barely see the stone. I'm sure the grounds people were cursing us as we left.

It's kind of funny, I recieved one of those silly e-mail quizzes from a friend yesterday, with the "What's your favorite food" type questions, and one of the questions was "Where is the one place you want to be right now?" All of my friends answered things like "the beach", "the movies", etc...and I thought, those are lucky people that haven't lost their parents yet...b/c the first think that popped into my mind was, I want to be with my mom. I want to be handing her Conor and hugging her..and that's what I wrote. Needless to say, I think I put a bit of a downer on that fun and cute internet quiz...sorry, friends...

So Happy Birthday, Mom, I wish you were here so we could celebrate our special day together. And now it would have been you, me and little Conor celebrating. The kids miss you, we all miss you. Seventy-one years ago today a bright light entered this world, destined to bless many lives. You live on in our hearts.

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You are NOT a burden to this board. Keep coming back and sharing your experiences. I can relate to that feeling of posts being repetitive. It seems that all I can think is "I'm lonely", "I'm sad", "I miss him". But this is the place for you to share it.

It's unfortunate that for so many people, grieving is the final stage of the lc battle. But sadly it's part of our journey. When I was still in 'caregiver mode' I often avoided this section way down at the bottom of the board. But there are so many of us here that need people like YOU - people that have walked in our shoes and understand.

I am so sorry that you are missing your Mom so much. She sounds like a lovely, warm woman. What a blessing to have had her in your life.

Happy Birthday to you and your Mom.

Wishing you peace,


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You know how I know to post, even when I feel like I've said it all before? Because when I just read your post I said to myself, "here is someone who gets it...I'm not alone."

I wish I were because feeling how you feel sucks (I know that for sure).

I have a birthday just like you, days away from mom's. I will have a baby who never met Mom, and would have been everything she would have ever wanted. Mom would insist I ate cake on my birthday, "because my birthday was her day, the happiest day of her life" she would say.

So yes, I really want to read this...again and again. Because in your love for your mom, I'm reminded of mine.

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