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Where are the tears?


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I can honestly say this week has been one of the toughest that I've had in months. After a time of frantically working on projects and just having a lot going on, it was the first time I had nothing major to do. My calendar and my mind were free. I have been feeling the void of Bill's absence in a "real" and new way. I have a constant flow of memories -- good and bad. I have that pit in my stomach again. Different than it was during the initial weeks after he passed, but there nonetheless. There's a dullness in the air even when I'm enjoying something or laughing. I find myself taking deep breaths for no apparent reason. And I'm not as tolerant with people as I normally am (especially if they're complaining about a problem that can be fixed). I pep up when I'm around people and no one would guess how I'm feeling, but the moment I'm alone again, a heaviness takes over. I feel a bit like I'm living in slow motion.

But the worst part is that I can't cry. I feel like I have this enormous build up of pressure that can't be released. Like it's going to come pouring out at the most inopportune time. Like I have no control over it.

What's up with this emotion? It's a new one for me. I'm used to going on fast forward for days, then crashing for a day and having the tears come. That was my norm and I was okay with it. But this is different. Is this the lead-up to the 6 month mark?

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...it was the first time I had nothing major to do. My calendar and my mind were free.

(((Oh Teri!!)))

Remember -- a very wise woman told me that grief is not a linear process. :wink:

I had the occasion to spend time with another widow at a family party very shortly after I lost Tony, who was approching approaching the 2 1/2 year mark, and was beginning to have panic attacks again. None of us have crystal balls to say what emotions are going to up and blindside us in the future.

Many warm thoughts and hugs to you at this point in time and always.

FYI -- as to the above quote -- I don't have a mind right now, so you are definitely ahead of the game! :lol:

By the way, I know that "pep up" feeling around people and I've come to detest it, but it's what I do too. Still wearing my game face in public.


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The tears will come and most likely when you least expect it. That's happened to me a few times, I will be doing fine and then something sets me off. One day it was the K-Mart clerk commenting on my "for sale" sign I was buying. I started crying in her line telling her I had to sell my husband's van because he passed away. She started to cry right along with me (maybe you should go to K-Mart?).

I am fine when I am at work or out and about but I also have a hard time at home. He should be here. My Jillian tells me he is, that he checks on her every night when she is in bed and it makes her feel safe.


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Just finished (I hope)

with that impossible feeling

that I'll never get over

the loss of Mike.......

and that is after four years,

certain dates are worst and

when you think you are doing

well.....no tears (or dry tears)

just a choking feeling that you

get without a reason and at weird


I tried to be good for years, I just

hid behind a smiling face, but that

is gone now I can't anymore.

Just try to pamper yourself for a day

and the tears may be there.

Hope you will feel better soon and

that the calming tears get there with




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As always, thanks to everyone for their support. It's strange how within this time, I'm gaining clarity about certain decisions. I guess there's "ups" to everything.

I've just been asked to read scripture at our church's Christmas Eve service -- I hope that's not when my tears decide to come. Oy.


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I have special tears and compassion for each of you.

I don't write much lately, because I'm not sure or clear on what is going on here, so I wait. I am especially hesitant to add worry to any here who may have paths like mine and my husband's.

Regardless, I think of you each daily and THINK that I sense (long distance) what is probably happening inside of you, and how hard it must be. Please accept a huge hug from here. Know that my daily thoughts are truly with you each.


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