caregiver help ideas

[hopeful?]

I really could use some ideas on how to help my husband who is my primary caregiver and family through this. I can't stand what this disease is doing to everyone. Last week my husband came to me concerned he was very close to having a nervous breakdown. Needs to see a doctor and possible go on some medication which is way out of character for him. He feels bad sharing this with me and wants to be positive for me but can't help it. He is also sleeping way too much. I want to help him through this but don't know what to do. I have been declining lately with very rapid progression of SOB and it has been a challenge just taking care of me. I have been as upbeat as possible with the kids but have mostly showed my real feelings with my husband. Now I feel I can't real do that anymore. Appreciate any ideas.

[cat127]

I'm sorry you have the added worry about your husband, though I would imagine it is quite normal. I certainly hear my sister worry about her husband and kids a lot. I would just add that while you say it is out of character for him to say he thinks he needs to see a dr and perhaps get some medication, it in fact sounds like a very healthy thing to me. There is help out there for someone who is dealing with watching their loved ones endure any illness, and it is a smart and healthy thing to take advantage of it. I would encourage you to encourage him to seek out that help. I've recently started to look around for some recommendations for a therapist in the area for myself - and I don't live with my sister and deal with things on a day-to-day basis as your husband does.

I'm sure that isn't of any help, and I wish I could give you an answer that would help you. But I think you need to encourage him to find his own outlet, someone to talk to like a therapist, and some pharmacological help if that is what is needed. He may find it is easier to be strong for you when he has someone he can go to who is then strong for him.

[recce101]

I think cat127 had some fine ideas and I can't do much more than echo them.

Males are encouraged (pressured?) from childhood to be "strong," keep their emotions in check, and all that, and it works pretty well for most of our lives since we are generally taller and have more physical strength than the female gender. Of course we all know that late in life, probably more often than not, the situation reverses and the female emerges as the one with true strength and resilience.

But you (and presumably your husband) are still middle-aged, and in addition to your own increasing difficulties, your husband is finding that the caregiver role is taking more out of him than he ever thought possible. The fact that he came to you with this is VERY POSITIVE because there is now time to do something about it before the situation spirals out of control. I know it was very difficult for him to do that, and the fact that he was able to speak to you honestly is a tribute to him, to you, and to your relationship.

I...have mostly showed my real feelings with my husband. Now I feel I can't real do that anymore.

I urge you to NOT withhold your feelings, but for the two of you to embrace your illness and his feelings of inadequacy as part of the same problem, "OUR" problem.

I'm extremely sorry you're both having to deal with this on top of everything else. My best wishes and Aloha,

Ned

[RandyW]

I may not be too good with al teh emotional stuff but this may help ease alittle or some responsibility on just one person the primary caregiver. This link creates a network of friends to hgelp with everything involved in caregiving and it may help him relax a little bit and you also! As a caregiver it is of the utmost to take care of yourself in order to take care of the one you love and are caring for under any circumstance. There is nothing to be ashamed of by asking for ANY kind of Help.

Click on link to be redirected;

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/

[bikergirl]

Our disease is a terrible thing as it affects the ones who love us the most as much as it affects us. It totally changes your normal everyday life and the way you react and live together. I am very, very fortunate to have a wonderful husband that is extremely good caregiver. Sometimes he is too attentive and I want to do things on my own. My best suggestion is to call your local hospital and find a support group for him to go and talk to people who also feel overwhelmed with the situation. He will be able to talk things out that are worrying him and perhaps relieve some of his stress knowing others feel the same way and are sharing the same experiences. Your Onc may even know of such a group. I sure feel more at ease with others in my position to talk to and my husband and I have a good friend that was in the same position as I was with stage iv NSCLC adeno. We frequently discussed things together. His wife and my husband talked on the phone and discussed how we were doing and what we doing. It helped a great deal. I hope you too will find some place to feel more at ease and encouraged. This is certainly the place to start. We are all on that same ship, just coasting with the wind, enduring the storms and the calm seas.

"hopeful?"]I really could use some ideas on how to help my husband who is my primary caregiver and family through this. I can't stand what this disease is doing to everyone. Last week my husband came to me concerned he was very close to having a nervous breakdown. Needs to see a doctor and possible go on some medication which is way out of character for him. He feels bad sharing this with me and wants to be positive for me but can't help it. He is also sleeping way too much. I want to help him through this but don't know what to do. I have been declining lately with very rapid progression of SOB and it has been a challenge just taking care of me. I have been as upbeat as possible with the kids but have mostly showed my real feelings with my husband. Now I feel I can't real do that anymore. Appreciate any ideas.

[blueeye]

I was my Mom's primary and only caregiver and I know that she worried about me--which I hated that she had me to worry about along with everything else. I could have gotten some help from folks that offered but quite frankly, I didn't have the time or energy to even come up with ideas of things that they could do. And my Mom and I only had ONE discussion about all the stress on me when I got sent for help thru work. (I fussed about how long a lab test took and I work in the lab!! They didn't take that too well.)And the therapist that I saw only told me to take time for myself...ha! I didn't have time for that! My point is THAT was useless.

ANYWAY--here's my advice: you and your husband need to write down things that people could help him (and you) with. And keep that list handy so whenever some well meaning person asks what they can do, you whip out the list and let them decide. That will also weed out the folks that don't really want to do anything--or really can't help out but offer just to be nice. I wish I had done this. I didn't accept much help--actually only once and I'm sorry I didn't reach out more. If you have come here for advice, seems like you are able and willing to come up with some things. Like the laundry, shuttling the kids back and forth, grocery shopping, picking up medicine, taking you to appointments, and preparing meals (that one I did get some help with).

I applaud you for worrying about your loved ones, but I never wanted my Mom to worry about me. Keep the lines open...good luck!

[J.C.]

Your husband is a very wise man

asking at the right time for a

way to help himself to be able

to take better care of you.

you got very good answers to your

question.

Best of luck.

Jackie

[Ry]

I hope you won't hide anything from your husband. I think it is a good thing that he has come to you and let you know the stress he is under. In our area there is a support group just for male caregivers and he may find something like that helpful. Sleeping too much is a sign of escape and depression so I hope he will go and get an antidepressant. If he has a good guy friend, call him up and ask him to invite your husband out one night-- it helps to get away.

I see from your profile that you have older children and I am curious if they are helping? They are old enough to be doing a lot of things to help out in the house and with you. I think if I were you I would sit down with them and explain they need to step up and do more to help their dad (and you) around the house.

Rochelle

[hopeful?]

Thank you all very much for your much needed words of wisdom and empathy. I know it is a good thing that he has opened up about maybe needing some help; it just scares me as I need him to be strong for the kids. It also makes this whole thing that much harder to bear with the added guilt of what you feel you are putting your loved ones though. I am not sure where to start but will try to encourage him to talk with his regular doctor for some direction. Thanks again.

[Barb73]

Hi,

I can only offer my experiences in having been in that same boat emotionally as your husband.

I am a caregiver, and there were times when I went too far with trying to "control/parent" the situation.

There has been much for me to learn over the three plus years in adjusting to this "new normal" way of life. This disease can be a challenge.

I found that when people offered to help us, my acceptance of it was actually therapeutic. It wasn't in my nature - had to do it all - alone. Accepting that help gave me a chance to regroup.

The very fact that your husband felt comfortable in telling you that he needs help, and/or an anti-depressant, is a sign of his love for you.

Caregivers need to learn to take care of themselves first, or there is less ability to help loved ones.

There is absolutely no shame in seeking help - emotional, physical, or medical. It's an intelligent, and proactive move. Each of us needs to address what we need.

May you receive the help you both seek. I admire your coming here, and telling others of your concerns. You are both, no doubt, wonderful spouses.

Both of you and your children are wished much success with finding the right solutions. Seeking help means you are close to the goal.

Sending best wishes and thoughts to you both,

Barbara