My Dad

[Aubree]

My name is Aubree. My Dad was diagnosed with Non Small Cell Lung Cancer in May of 2007. This was due to the two pack a day habit he had since his late teens. At first we were hopeful. He had very successful chemo and radiation treatments in the summer of 2007, and in September he had his left lung removed. We had every reason to believe that after that, my Dad would be cancer free. In January of 2008, the doctors came to us and told us there were microscopic cancer cells in other parts of his body, and that he would always have cancer. We were still hopeful. People I have known have lived with cancer for many years, and I looked forward to many more years with my father. However, every chemo that was tried after that were ineffective, and dad developed heart problems late 2008. I lived 20 hours away, and was very dependent on what Dad told me about how he was feeling. Every day I would talk to him sometimes 4 times a day, and he would assure me he felt fine, even when he had to go on oxygen because the cancer had spread to his only lung. Dad went downhill very fast, and still I was in the dark. Dad died February 3, 2009 in the hospital, after he had been told there were no treatment options left and he had maybe 3 weeks left. I didn't make it home in time. The last time I had been home was in July 2008. I hate myself for it. I am having a very hard time grieving, not wanting to think about anything. I'm hoping I may hear from some people here who may have had an experience similar to mine, or just someone who had lost someone to this horrible disease. I miss him so much, he was my best friend. Thanks.

[SandraL]

Hi Aubree. I am saddened to hear your dad's story and of your loss. This disease is just awful. There are many others here who have been through this and hopefully you will hear from many of them. I pray for your strength in the difficult days ahead.

Sandra

[Nick C]

Aubree,

You can't "hate yourself". I understand anger, but none of us inflicted this disease on our loved ones. Please don't beat yourself up.

Every one of us wishes we had spent more time, been there, done more etc. But that isn't because we didn't do enough, it's because we grieve the fact that we can't do these things now.

There are plenty of people who understand the loss you feel. And this really just happened. It is hard. take it easy on yourself.

We'll be here.

[shineladysue]

(((Aubree))),

First of all, I want you to know that you and your family have my heartfelt condolences. I just want to say that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You had no way of knowing that you would lose your Dad so soon. It's something none of us know. Every case is different. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better. It's going to take time. Just know that we are here for you.

Hugs,

Sue

[Patti B]

Aubree-

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved father. Please accept my sincere condolensces.

As others have said, please don't be mad at yourself for not being there when he passed. Its not your fault, and as Nick said, you didn't give the disease to your dad.

I wish there were words I could say to make you feel better. That will take time. But, you are a member of our family now and we will be there to help you through this awful time. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you.

Hugs - Patti B.

[Flyman35]

Hi Aubree. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. You have my sincere condolences.

Please don't beat yourself about about not getting home in time. Nobody ever really knows how much time they have left. There are so many coulda, shoulda, woulda's out there and you can't go back and change that now. Try to think of all the good times you had with your dad and I pray that it will bring you peace and comfort in the difficult days ahead.

Denise

[Sheri]

Aubree,

A very important thing for my Dad was that he did not disrupt my life because of his illness. I lived 20 minutes from my Dad, was willing to give up my job, commute my child to school, move in with him but he refused to let me. I was able to spend the weekends with him as his caregiver (his wife worked weekends) and am grateful for the time spent. That being said, I really think my Dad didn't know his end was near. Maybe he did, but it really wouldn't have made a difference. After being in the hospital in a coma for ten days, he died in my arms as I slept with him.

Though I was there with him, the grieving isn't any easier. I went through the coulda's and shoulda's, as I really think he died from renal failure. I didn't even think to have his blood sugar checked, though I knew he had diabetic issues, during those ten days he was comatose. I'm convinced a shot of insulin could have saved his life, for awhile.

As my Dad would say: "It is what it is". Your days will begin to hurt less, believe me. My Dad was my world. Whether you were there or not, the end result is the same. It's hard to grieve a huge loss. Go easy on yourself, he really did love you so.

[Aubree]

Thanks to you all for the posts. Sheri, how long ago did your dad die, and when did it start to get easier? Thank you so much.

[ts]

Hi Aubree,

My Mom died from smoking related lung cancer 25 years ago. It was only two months from diagnosis - in and out of the hospital. I lived about 1000 miles away and was fortunate to see her 3 or 4 times in that short period. What was better was the years of being good friends while she was more healthy (she had other health issues most of her life.)

We had planned to go to a family reunion from her maternal side later that year. I went alone and heard lots of stories about her as a young girl/woman from relatives I had never met. I felt the love they had for her and for me in her absence. It really helped.

When did it get easier? Good question. I had converted her original engagement ring band into a pinky ring and wore it for a few years. One day I took it off and put it away, along with a bucket of sadness. In the meantime, I had moved, returned to grad school, met new friends, and moved on with my life. I still miss her. Going through the past 6 months, all the more. But not like the first year. Give it that.

My condolences on your loss. Do what you need to grieve so that you can move forward.

[Janette]

Don't hate yourself, hate this terrible disease that causes so much pain and grief.

Your Dad is with you.

[Kristi]

Aubree, I'm new here but your story brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your situation really hits home. My Dad was recently diagnosed and I while I don't live as far as you did from your Dad I do live 8 hours away. I so badly wish I could jump in the car and go see him just to spend the day or give him a hug but I can't. My husband and I both work fulltime and have two small boys in school. It's hard to find the time to visit. I'm already feeling the guilt and he's barely into therapy. Hang in there, it's got to get easier and remember, he wouldn't want you to blame yourself.