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Tomorrow I will dedicate my day to the memory of Johnny. That will be on facebook. It will not be easy because it is so important to me yet I have to chose my words because of my family being there too.

Here tonight I have a special memory to post. Tomorrow will be 7 years sense the night this happened. It was a Sunday evening November 17,2002 just three days before Johnny would leave our home never to return.

Before I go on to the memory I just want to say that he was a special man. He had humor and talent but he also had a heart that could reach out to someone with so much love and understanding. Often he tired to cover up that kind heart with a grufness but to me he always let it show. So as I post this tonight I want to say that I dedicate this and so much of my life to the memory and the love of a very special man. John Fields born in the little Oklahoma town of Antlers on March 15, 1933 and died in Olympia Washington on December 2, 2002. He captured my heart when I was little more than a child but he has held it for most of my life. So much of who I am is because of him. I will love him for now and all eternity.

November 18,2002

I hadn't been able to leave the house much and we were running out of everything. I hadn't been eating well nor sleeping because Johnny had a problem with smells. Even the simplist one would send him into an anxiety attack. Sleeping at night was a problem too. He could only sleep while I was awake. I knew the reason why and even offered to stay up one night and watch him sleep but he said he couldn't sleep unless I was there to snuggle him.

I needed to go to the store and I needed time alone to rest my nerves and to try to decide what our next move should be. Everytime I found something that helped someone would give us a backwards shove. I needed a clear mind to think.

His son came to visit. Johnny had looked forward to his visit and I looked forward to getting out to the store. While he was with Johnny I left for a while. I stopped to eat a hamburger but it had no flavor. Nothing was ever as good without Johnny. Then I went on to WalMart. I bought a few things that we needed and then went for a CD. I had gotten Johnny back to his music, He loved country music, and there was a CD by Travis Tritt called Don't Count Me Out. I told Johnny that was about him and decided to buy the CD for him. After I found the CD I bought the dozen roses he had requested. As I had left the house he gave me money and asked me to buy a dozen red roses, 6 for me and 6 for him.

I rushed to get those things and get back to him. I had sworn that I wouldn't rush but I couldn't stand being away from him despite all of the problems his anxiety was causing us. Now to that night.

I will pick up my story there. I took this from the story I wrote about our life together.

After his son left I sat on the love seat with him and played the CD that I had bought. When the first song played "Don't count me out" I told Johnny that it was about him. That he would be back stronger than ever and no one had better count him out. We were reclined in our chairs holding hands and just enjoying the music. Toward the end of the CD a song came on and when Johnny heard the first line he put his chair down and sat forward. He asked me to turn it up. After that first line of the song played he turned to me and squeezed my hand and said "that's you". After every verse of that song he would do that. He would say each time "that is you." I will always believe that he gave me that song that night to replace the one that he wrote for me. This is the words of that song and it really does describe the way he felt because it says "I feel so unworthy of all that you do for me". That was what Johnny told me on several occasions.

I've seen it all

I've watched an acorn turn into an oak tree

I've felt the passion of a whippoorwill's call

I've seen a flower bloom in the dessert

But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all

I've seen the faces they chiseled in mountains

Marveled in wonder at stars when they fall

I've watched the sunset slip into the ocean

But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all

I feel so unworthy of all that you give me

I could die happy just knowing I am your man

I'm so undeserving I just stand here in awe

That a woman so true loves me like you do

Now I've seen it all

I feel so unworthy of all that you give me

I could die happy just knowing I am your man

'cause you find perfection where others see flaws

Yes a woman like you loving me like you do now I've seen it all

This is the song that Johnny said was me even after all of the terrible mistakes that I had made!

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That was a beautiful story. Just one of many memories you have of your Johnny. I too have those about Donald and myself, it's just hard right now for me to think of all the good times. For some reason my mind continues to flash back to the illness which is something I do not want to think about.

Cancer can take them away from us till we meet again but it can never take the love away.

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Lillian... hugs to you and I think it is a fantastic idea. Once you have it all completed I would love to read the final copy. You take care Lillian... I am still in hall pass, just coming out to post little posts like this... ok for you to keep emailing etc.... Love you.


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