Joppette Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I didn't know where else to post this, and only need to write because it is 4:20AM and I can't sleep and I need to just write. I'm not sure it's a good idea to be at Gilda's volunteering for 4 hours. Then I drive downtown to pick up a friend with lung cancer to go to a Spiritual Journey support group. Then we have dinner and go to our normal support group. Hence, it's 4:00AM and I am crying my eyes out and don't know where to go with my emotions. Cancer just sucks. I think because there are five of us dealing with lung cancer that is killing me. Four of them are not doing well. Me, #5 is doing well. As they tell their stories, they look me in the eye as they speak, like I have answers for them. I do not. Tonight, one young friend is dealing with end of life issues. He is 32. He has a 4 year old child. He is fighting for his life and he is not going to win. Another is older and begging for more chemo even when she knows it won't help. Her lungs are riddled with the disease, and she can barely breathe. She ran out of oxygen and we had to run to her vehicle to get another canister of oxygen to help her get to her car. The third was the one I drove, and she has been on chemo for 4 years. She broke her arm, and must stop chemo to allow the arm to heal and is scared to death about what that means for her long term survival. It just seems to go on and on. When they tell their stories, they look me in the eye, as if I have the answers. I don't have any answers. My heart breaks with every story. I just needed to write my pain out tonight. I'm sorry to put this on you. I love my friends, and it breaks my heart to know how their stories will end. I wish I had stories of hope to give them. But given their situations, I just do not. I can tell them about heaven and how their pain will end, but that is not what they want to hear right now. I can't blame them for that. I'd be the same way. Anyway, I needed to write and get this out. Maybe I can now sleep a bit. I love these people, and wish I could take their pain on and not have them suffer. Please do not be harsh on me. It's just such a bad place to be. And yet? I would not be anywhere else right now. They look to me for hope, and I can't deny them that. I offer that even when I know what their outcome will be. I'm just venting and letting tough stuff out. I hope my middle of the night ramblings do not upset you too much. With love, MI Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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