Just Venting

[Joppette]

I didn't know where else to post this, and only need to write because it is 4:20AM and I can't sleep and I need to just write.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to be at Gilda's volunteering for 4 hours. Then I drive downtown to pick up a friend with lung cancer to go to a Spiritual Journey support group. Then we have dinner and go to our normal support group.

Hence, it's 4:00AM and I am crying my eyes out and don't know where to go with my emotions. Cancer just sucks.

I think because there are five of us dealing with lung cancer that is killing me. Four of them are not doing well. Me, #5 is doing well. As they tell their stories, they look me in the eye as they speak, like I have answers for them. I do not.

Tonight, one young friend is dealing with end of life issues. He is 32. He has a 4 year old child. He is fighting for his life and he is not going to win. Another is older and begging for more chemo even when she knows it won't help. Her lungs are riddled with the disease, and she can barely breathe. She ran out of oxygen and we had to run to her vehicle to get another canister of oxygen to help her get to her car. The third was the one I drove, and she has been on chemo for 4 years. She broke her arm, and must stop chemo to allow the arm to heal and is scared to death about what that means for her long term survival. It just seems to go on and on.

When they tell their stories, they look me in the eye, as if I have the answers. I don't have any answers. My heart breaks with every story.

I just needed to write my pain out tonight. I'm sorry to put this on you. I love my friends, and it breaks my heart to know how their stories will end. I wish I had stories of hope to give them. But given their situations, I just do not.

I can tell them about heaven and how their pain will end, but that is not what they want to hear right now. I can't blame them for that. I'd be the same way.

Anyway, I needed to write and get this out. Maybe I can now sleep a bit. I love these people, and wish I could take their pain on and not have them suffer.

Please do not be harsh on me. It's just such a bad place to be. And yet? I would not be anywhere else right now. They look to me for hope, and I can't deny them that. I offer that even when I know what their outcome will be.

I'm just venting and letting tough stuff out. I hope my middle of the night ramblings do not upset you too much.

With love,

MI Judy

[KatieB]

Oh Judy I wish I could give you the biggest softest hug right now.

I know exactly what this feels like and how overwhelming this can be. SO overwhelming that some times you can't breathe and you just feel smothered by sadness and helplessness.

After 9 years, my husband knows to come late to bed so that I've done my sobbing over everything I've done during the day.

For me it helps to purge it out in some way- and as good as he is, he's of no help to me when it comes to what I do and how it leaves me feeling.

Talking about it helps. Venting here, posting, reaching out--all help.

I used to talk to ConnieB about it ALL the time. Once very early in my advocacy and support when I was SO frustrated over supporting a woman and the daily call's I was getting about her life (which was falling apart as her cancer got worse) I just sobbed and cried and said to Connie--I don't know what to say...everything I say, she argues with me or I am rebuffed. I feel inadequate and useless. And Connie said, don't say anything. Just listen. She just needs you to listen. She may not have anyone else. So I did. The best practical advice I think I've ever gotten.

Try to remember how meaningful the support you give is....that sometimes we are the only ones that anyone can talk to.

Remember what it was like during times when you had no support. I remember going thru lung cancer alone with my dad and I never want anyone ever to go thru that alone. I'm still scarred by that.

This year with Connie being gone I've internalized all that I'm feeling and Judy, I swear I have felt like I was going to implode from the devastation this disease inflicts on people I grow to care about and love. I've reached the end of my rope so many times.

Remember when you feel like you are at the end of your rope...tie a knot and hold on.

We are here for you.

"Warm and gentle hugs ~ConnieB"

[paulette3]

Judy - I don't know what to say except to offer you another hug. I admire you for the support you give others.

Katie - I've told you quite a few times that I'm here if/when you need someone to listen to you. Everyone needs someone to just listen.

Hugs,

Paulette

[eric byrne]

H i Judy,

I really admire your courage to maintain friendships on a face-to-face regular basis with people who are at such advanced stages of lung cancer.Its one thing to manage such relationships via social forums or by phone,quite another in your regard.I do hope that a little bit of selfishness towards yourself can be retained if you think its all getting on top of you,and at least take some time out.

You dont have to have any answers for your friends,they know that, so stop feeling you are failing them in any way,just being there is enough.

[Kasey]

I have no words of wisdom or answers for you, Judy. However, in some small way, I do know how you feel. I am a 7 year advanced stage survivor and have met some (not in the same way as you) who look to me for answers. These folks are not doing well and most likely will not be doing well. I have no answers for them In fact, it only makes me feel guilty that I am still here. I deal with that emotion almost daily.

I think the fact that you are physically present and they can look you in the eye is comforting to them without you saying one word. For some reason this is your purpose at this moment in time. They can look in the eyes of a survivor and that alone is hope to them. You offer what nobody can offer them right now ~ even if it doesn't seem that way to you.

So, Judy, just keep doing what you are doing. I'm not sure it will help you sleep any better though. So in that regard ~ just come here and tell us who understand.

Hugs to you, you wonderful lady.

Kasey

[Nick C]

Gosh...that is so hard.

This is totaly the place to get the weight of all of this somewhat off your mind/shoulders or what ever.

I don't have this experience...at all. But I did go to a friend of my mother's son's wake about a month ago.

She didn't recognize me at first, but when she did she was very happy to see me. I could not offer her words that would help her about the loss of her son. But my "gift", if you can call it that, was just being there, because that is what I could do.

You are there...you are not expectd to have answers. I know it looks or feels like they are looking to you for answers. They aren't. They are looking ANYWHERE for answers.

How did any and all of us stumble upon this place? We were looking for answers. Most of us still haven't gotten the answers we came here looking for, many of us haven't provided all the answers to the questions that are asked...but I think we are all grateful for the fact that each of us is here.

Hang in there.