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Cool, Calm and Collected--in rply to Shelliemacs


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I am not as calm, cool nor collected as Dean about all of this. I was somewhat surprised to read his answer about fear. He sounded a lot like my husband--when I ask "How are we going to deal with____________--(you name it), he says he will just have to wait until or IF we are faced with ___________.

Not me. I tend to want to plan things out--even though I know there is no way to plan the unknown or plan for it. That is what drives my fear--not knowing WHAT to prepare for.

Maybe this is a gender thing--don't know. I wonder what Gay would say about this. I wonder if she wants answers like I seem to want.

However. Like Dean, I don't know what is on the other side and that is something I do wonder about but the unkonwns on this side are what trouble me most.

I have little faith in modern medicine to cure or to offer end-of life relief as it seems to promise.

Plus, no book written about end of life issues is written by someone who has experienced them--only those who have observed.

This is unchartered territory, like none any of us have ever imagined correctly. In the hypothetical, I could answer with more clarity and dignity. In the intellectual, I could offer all of us some pat answers and some cliches about life and death and the hereafter. In the reality of it all, I am like a child.

One one hand, I am curious on the other fearful. On one hand, calm and on the other, anxious.......

The only advice I can offer you Shellie is to love your Dad with all your might. Care for him with all the energy and love you can offer. Nothing any of us, patients or other, can say will adequately prepare you for the unkown. SO just live, with all the wisdom your experiences have given you at so young an age. Live wiser for it. Live more lovingly. Love more strongly.


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I plan on doing just that. As I am told daily by friends, "Shelly, you could go first if a bus hits you" so I am trying to think in terms of that.

I know NO ONE is gauranteed any length of time. Thats been made quite obvious by the young people who have been stricken with diseases and have passed by accidents or what ever the cause.

I just have to teach my rational mind that people younger than 100 years old do pass away and its just "their time" its just making my over read mind process it.

I hope I didn't upset you with my questions elaine. that was never my intention.

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I hope my answer didn't project that I was upset with you. I am not. I was glad to answer. You are one of the people on the board whose posts I rush to read because they are so honest and from the heart. Plus, I can't imagine what it is like to go through what you are going through and to do it with such love. I only wanted to tell you that there is no answers to so many of the questions any of us has. Even Dean, who seems so upbeat is not always so as he has admitted from time to time here.

I think it may be harder to read the words of patients who arent so upbeat--lol. I know there are some hard posts for me to read from caregivers. It's all a balance. Some of the pain just seems to seep from the computer screen and all I want to do is hold that person tight.

I keep you close in my thoughts. Elaine

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Last night at church our Pastor preached on "Worry". He told us that worry is a wasted emotion as it does nothing but take up time. It doesn't help any situation you might be in. It doesn't make things any clearer it does NOTHING!

The best thing is to take ALL your worries and give them to God. He CAN make them go away and he CAN make things better. I don't want to sound like I am preaching here but I truly have come to know that when worry starts to get to me I stop and take a second and say "This one is yours God" "Show me what to do"! Most times it works! TRUST in HIM is what is getting ME through all of this crap, maybe trust in him would help you too?

God bless you,


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Each of you have expressed your thoughts so well here. Some of us (me) tend to be worryiers about the least little thing. It is hard to change that character flaw. Your pastor is right Mo. I try to turn all my problems over to him. Sometimes I do better than others. Some times when I am really down, I think, when I am gone I won't have to worry about that. If the kids or grandkids can handle it then they can now. This doesn't make much sense does it? Sorry, I should have kept my keyboard quiet.

Elaine you did beautifully expressing your feelings and a lot of ours.

Keep it up. we need to hear from you.

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Thanks for encouraging me to post. Sometimes I stop myself (hard to believe, huh?) for a variety of reasons.

When I do post about difficult topics, I do it because there are hopefully others now and in the future who will come here for advice, comfort, information--whatever.

Some may be fragile, and not as strong as Dean or Howard or some others. As a "patient" I don't always want to have my strong face on and I don't want to lie in bed either, not while I don't have to. Maybe something in this swirling mind of mine will make sense to someone else--someone else who kicks him or herself in the behind for not being always positive or always


As Dan Berry and I have commented in the past. There is a tendancy in this society to blame the victim--thus cancer patients sometimes are led to beleive that if only they were more this or more that then their disease might go into remission etc---. I don't know about that. Cancer seems to have a mind of its own.

I do think it's true that a positive attitude is important to the time we have left, but whether or not it CURES people, I hardly believe that. It is but ONE medicine.

I just want to put my honest thoughts together in hopes they add insight to caregivers or patients. Unfortunately, on the days I am much more optimistic, I am not usually sitting here at the computer.


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The hardest issue I have is the constant need to protect those i love from the reality of SCLC and it's voracious appitite for those it attacks. So to keep them safe from the fear, I keep that perky bright attitude painted on my face! Just like all of us. Underneath am I terrified? you bet! It is perfectly natural for all of us to be terrified of what we are facing. It is also OK to put that fear in our pocket and ignore it as much as possible so that we can face each day. That is what helps me about a positive attitude, I use it to help me push that dark terror in my pocket so I can get as much enjoyment out of my life as possible. When I am feeling lousy like right now, it is hard, but on the good feeling days I can forget I have cancer for 5 min at a time! (LOL just kidding) Seriously I won't let the beast rob me of loving my life. and posting my thoughts and feelings on this wonderful board is one of the ways I accomplish the balancing act of terror and joy!



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Boy, girl, you're hitting on some big topics lately, aren't you??

I'll just let you know that I'm NOT scared, not ONE bit! I read ahead, I know how it ends, EVERYONE dies in the end... My cheat? I know my grampa is waiting for me - how could I be scared?

I'm scared. Anyone who isn't at least apprehensive has the drugs I want! I don't think that will ever go completely away, but it can quiet down and let me enjoy what is left, be it two minutes, two hours, two days, two years, two decades...I have a lot to fit in, don't have room for worry and scarediness...and if I keep telling myself that, it just might work!

Hang in there, Elaine. Don't give up on science yet - better living through chemistry, ya know? :wink:

Take care, keep posting your big topics...thinking keeps my brain off 'important' things like worrying and being scared...


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