WARNING: INNER THOUGHTS, WHO AM I NOW--Just a body?

[Fay A.]

I am tired, so I'm going to tell you what I think and let the chips fall where they may....

I'm glad you wrote this. Letting these kinds of thoughts stay inside isn't healthy for you or anyone else. I'm a little disappointed that you thought we might be the kinds of people who would look down on you for having a bad night. Give us credit for being more empathetic than the uninitiated...

You are absolutely correct. Not all Stage IV Lung Cancers are created equal. But I do want to clarify something. Your attitude does impact your health on a physical level. When you are stressed and depressed your body is being washed internally with high doses of stress hormones. And that has been proven to depress our immune system, our very first line of defense against the cancer.

You're right. Medication isn't going to fix this kind of depression. But a good counselor who works with those who have serious chronic illnesses can be of tremedous help.

Neither you nor the tearful person who wrote to you has to deal with this alone unless you choose to do so. You are both inspirational to me. She faces the days and has yet to receive good news. That's hard. You're brave enough to bare your soul. Two more heroes in a group of 1200.

[Elaine]

Fay

I hate to say it, but: I didn't bare my soul--I left lots of layers of clothes on it. I don't know what that says about me or my soul--lol.

I broke my own writing advice. I kept the details to a minimum, as far as my fears.

I have an MFA in writing/poetry. I am used to going places people somtimes don't go and trying to wrestle what I found into words on paper. Unfortunately, cigerettes went with me.

Do I feel any better about having "went to where I went last night?--No, I only discovered there are more places left inside to visit. I truly only post what I feel may benefit at least one other person on the board now or in the future. To do anything but would just be mere words in the wind....

As far as my hoping I wasn't booed off the board. That also comes from years of workshopping my work--where I found that a lot of what I wrote had no business being read in public let alone scrutinized in public--and I don't mean my poor spelling and tendency to not be as careful as I should when proofreading. I don't do well on the screen. I need it on paper before I can see it. I have had poems literally booed out of workshop and rightly so.

elaine

elaine

[Fay A.]

You know, Elaine, maybe you don't have to be literal with those who have faced the same fears.

You know, for a while I thought about killing myself. There were things going on in my life that made me wonder what I was fighting so hard to live for. How's that for "naked"?

Thank God for God.....

Down in the dirt.

Down on my knees.

No one before me behind me beside me to help me,

Lord, Please.......

And He did.

PS I have a GED and a few college credits. That's why all my poems rhyme.

[Elaine]

I dropped out of school many times--high school and college. Finally at age 32 or so I went back and finally finished my BA and Masters in about 4 years--commuting one year over 120 miles one way. I didn't mean to brag, but I am proud of finally doing what I had wanted to do since I was 18--teach writing and teachers ways to teach writing. I was blessed, but not without the sacrifice of my own family. The whole MFA thing was just a way to get to teach on the college level. Not to become a great american classic.... Poetry is just a language I could read.

Exactly, on the literal....

As far as rhyming, I hear it's coming back.

I also considered suicide. But for a different reason. Too personal for me even me to divulge. Now, anyway.

elaine

[Cindy RN]

You all have touched on some sore spots for me this last week.

3 years ago when I was diag I asked God to get me thru several things, my youngest was 14. I wanted to see her start dating, go to prom, first broken heart, steady boyfriend and graduate from HS. Well these things have all come and gone in the last few weeks. I enrolled her into the college courses for this fall. My son was married last year and my middle daughter (stilll at home) may be getting married this yr or next to a 4 yr boyfriend.

The thing is I have been here for those major events and today the youngest turned 18. I am also still fighting with lawyers and ins. companies about this stupid leg I broke Feb 2003. It now looks like I will have to have a trial by jury. I am also having major financial problems.

I daydream about after I die the ins. money will get my family out of debt and some left over to boot. I do not want to be the burden I am becoming on them. I can no longer work so I am a liability at this time. Of course if they read this I would be beaten. I feel this way tho.

I also have had a hard time getting my spirits back up to my norm high! It is not just enough to have cancer, major financial problems, kids who are in the 'me' generation. I ask for help cleaning etc and all I get is a huf. When I am on treatment they sure helped out more.

Oh well, I guess we all have these secrets and when we open up we don't look like the inspirations we are told we are.

I have bent your ears enough.

I love you all. Thanks, Cindy

[stand4hope]

Patients fear death.

Caregivers fear life.

I tried to read this thread last night, but I was too sleepy. All of your thoughts were way too deep and too special to try to absorb with bloodshot eyes and a mind that just wouldn’t work. I printed it out for this morning’s “bathroom” reading. LOL. It was 28 pages, so I was in the bathroom for a while. I stapled it, filed it, and plan to keep it for a very, very long time – probably forever. Hopefully, some day way into the future, some of our heirs will read it and learn from all of you.

I gained a much better understanding of what my husband feels after a wonderful, wonderful PM I got from Dean a while back. Since my husband acted angry and just wouldn’t talk, I wrote to Dean asking for help – and he did help me a lot. And now all of you have shed even more light into some things that are going on in his head. He fears death, and I fear living my life without him. When God said that the man and wife become one flesh, he knew what he was talking about. Our lives are so intertwined that the thought of life without him is more than I can bear. I don’t like the reference to the “other half” because he isn’t half. It creates a visualization of two separate people and then one day the other half is gone. It isn’t like that at all. We’re a whole thing – we’re one – there is no half. The death of one creates a different kind of death in the other.

I always thought that this whole thing would be reversed. I’m the sickly one with the pile of prescriptions, and he has always been the one to be the caregiver. In the past 36 years, he has missed less than five days of work for being sick. When I went to fill his first prescription (Decadron), he wasn't even in the computer. He’s always been there to help me recover from my various surgeries. He knows that the first thing I will want when I wake up is a cup of black coffee, and when I open my eyes, he’s there waiting with the coffee in hand. He’s picked me up from work and carried me out when my back has gone out. He’s always there for me and always has been. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. My picture of him is a man of strength and self-discipline. This disease has brought him fear and weakness and adjusting to this change is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. My husband can also be a real *ss, and he would be the first one to admit that to you. He’s outspoken and direct and missed the class on compassion in school, and, other than anger, I don’t think he knows what the word emotion means. I’m just the opposite – an emotional basket case at times. I’m also the one that takes care of everything – bill paying, doctor appointments, family birthdays, taxes, etc. He has handed his pay check to me now for 36 years. But he is the real strength because I really am quite weak. When I get emotionally out-of-balance, his sternness (is that a word?) brings me back to clear thinking. I won’t even try to figure out how two people with opposite personalities can mesh the way we do – we just do.

I guess I wrote all this to try to explain my first two sentences. I know my husband is afraid of death and probably even more afraid of becoming physically weak. I, on the other hand, am afraid of what my life would be like without him.

Thank you for the post, Elaine.

Love,

Peggy

[Nushka]

Elaine,

I read your post right after you posted it. I must admit that I have given it a lot of thought since then. I know that I am very sick, but I guess I tend to stay in denial alot. I think about it when I cough or wheeze...or when it is getting close to test time...heck I think about it all the time...but its like I don't really think it is happening to ME. If I admit that it is about ME, I almost panic.

I appreciate you telling us how you feel and I think that it is very appropriate for you to post here. We need more of these honest and open posts...about feelings rather than facts. I guess I stay confused about how I feel alot of the time. I am not really afraid to die, but I am afraid of the process and leaving my loved ones behind. It seems to me that when I am able or have to face that fact I will and until then I may as well enjoy what time I have not thinking about it being me.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am terrified. I want to cry but find it hard to let go. Its as if I will be admiting that it is all about my body and not someone else. I believe God will give me what I can handle at the time I can handle it. Maybe I am not very smart to think the way I do....I can plan things after I am gone in the abstract. Like writing my will, doing my taxes, taking care of investments. But when it comes to the idea that I really won't be here...with no more control over anything, my heart starts skipping beats and beating very fast. I want to give it to God. To hand it all over to him and let him make the decisions but it doesn't work that way for me. I have to do all I can and then hope and pray that He takes over after that. I am rambling but wanted you to know that your post meant alot to me and I hope we can all be more honest about ourselves at times.

Nina

[Elaine]

I want to thank each of you for replying to what was so evidently a difficult post and for your thoughts on what it FEELS like to have this DX outside of the physical where things become even more complicated than reading scans.

I took much more time this past week doing things the "old me'" enjoyed, and things the old me wanted to do. I think that was a good thing. I can't say the past week was easy, but it was an effort on my part to mesh the two "mes."

One thing that complicates things for me is that I moved just prior to DX, leaving behind a set of freinds etc that I had had for the past five years. I have not built a life where I am now. Where I live now is all about cancer, unfortunately.

Grieving is a dificult thing no matter which side of the grief one is on.

elaine

[betplace]

Grieving is a dificult thing no matter which side of the grief one is on.

elaine

No truer words spoken Elaine!

Blessings

Betty

[Addie]

One thing that complicates things for me is that I moved just prior to DX, leaving behind a set of freinds etc that I had had for the past five years. I have not built a life where I am now. Where I live now is all about cancer, unfortunately.

All by itself, moving is a sort of grief process in that we leave our support system behind and have to build a new one in our new place. Certainly, we continue relationships that we've left behind...but it takes a while to build up new day-to-day relationships, new friendships with people that are right there.

I admire your honesty in putting out the thoughts you did in this post....and I think it's caused a lot of us to think more deeply about how cancer affects us....not just physically, but also very much so mentally and emotionally. Part of living with cancer AND the healing process...is addressing all aspects of how cancer affects us. And sometimes...it's just not all that easy to figure out....but putting the confusion out there, at the very least, allows us to share it and learn how others deal with it.

Any burden feels a little lighter when we know others share in it with us.

[Addie]

One thing that complicates things for me is that I moved just prior to DX, leaving behind a set of freinds etc that I had had for the past five years. I have not built a life where I am now. Where I live now is all about cancer, unfortunately.

All by itself, moving is a sort of grief process in that we leave our support system behind and have to build a new one in our new place. Certainly, we continue relationships that we've left behind...but it takes a while to build up new day-to-day relationships, new friendships with people that are right there.

I admire your honesty in putting out the thoughts you did in this post....and I think it's caused a lot of us to think more deeply about how cancer affects us....not just physically, but also very much so mentally and emotionally. Part of living with cancer AND the healing process...is addressing all aspects of how cancer affects us. And sometimes...it's just not all that easy to figure out....but putting the confusion out there, at the very least, allows us to share it and learn how others deal with it.

Any burden feels a little lighter when we know others share in it with us.