Ann

This is so beautiful Lillian. I always enjoy reading your posts. I really think you have a special gift for writing and I also think God has a plan for everything that happens. Maybe God needs you to write in order to help others and to teach them about love. It is so good that you are thinking about the Christmas you and Johnny would have had. I'm not totally sure I am to that level just yet. I'm still trying to block a lot of things from my mind. Dennis and I always got our tree together. That was a very special time. Last year, I had no tree...no gifts...no shopping....no spirit...no heart, as Dennis died on the 15th of December and had been so ill in the days preceding. This year, I was determined to make it "right" for the family. You know...this is the worst tree I think I have ever had, as my heart just wasn't in it. I really know what this season is all about abd I know I should be thankful for the blessings I have....but I'm still trying so hard to understand this "merciful" God. ANyone who has seen the suffering cancer can bring to both the patient and family would have to search very deep to find anything "merciful" about any part of the situation. Bitter??? Maybe! Mad at the world....Maybe! Mad at God....Maybe! One of my friends always tells me that if I have to be angry with anyone, it should be Dennis, as he chose to poison his lungs with cigarette smoke all those years. But...how can I be angry with someone that wanted so badly to live and that I loved so very much? Sorry to ramble on....your beautiful post just opened my heart and mind to so many emotions that are all pinned up inside!!!! Let's keep it up....good therapy, I suppose!!!

This is so beautiful Lillian. I always enjoy reading your posts. I really think you have a special gift for writing and I also think God has a plan for everything that happens. Maybe God needs you to write in order to help others and to teach them about love. It is so good that you are thinking about the Christmas you and Johnny would have had. I'm not totally sure I am to that level just yet. I'm still trying to block a lot of things from my mind. Dennis and I always got our tree together. That was a very special time. Last year, I had no tree...no gifts...no shopping....no spirit...no heart, as Dennis died on the 15th of December and had been so ill in the days preceding. This year, I was determined to make it "right" for the family. You know...this is the worst tree I think I have ever had, as my heart just wasn't in it. I really know what this season is all about abd I know I should be thankful for the blessings I have....but I'm still trying so hard to understand this "merciful" God. ANyone who has seen the suffering cancer can bring to both the patient and family would have to search very deep to find anything "merciful" about any part of the situation. Bitter??? Maybe! Mad at the world....Maybe! Mad at God....Maybe! One of my friends always tells me that if I have to be angry with anyone, it should be Dennis, as he chose to poison his lungs with cigarette smoke all those years. But...how can I be angry with someone that wanted so badly to live and that I loved so very much? Sorry to ramble on....your beautiful post just opened my heart and mind to so many emotions that are all pinned up inside!!!! Let's keep it up....good therapy, I suppose!!!

Shirley you just hang tough and things will all work out! You know I'm right here cheering you on! I agree with Peggy that working is really good for you! I have no idea how I would have kept my sanity without my job! Shirley your idea for this forum was so wonderful!!!! It's so nice to be able to open up to others that are experiencing the exact sane things!!! I am praying everything is OK with your Daughter! Sometime I wonder if my prayers are heard but still have to believe they are!!!!!! It is so cold here in Florida...brrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

So sorry to hear that Buddy is having such a rough time of it. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know if Buddy ever watched the movie Patton...but...it was Dennis's favorite "fighting" movie. When I refer to "fighting" I am refering to fighting cancer. Dennis would watch certain parts of that movie over and over to get himself pumped up for the fight!

So sorry to hear of the hard times you are going through now. I can definitely relate. My husband had sclc with mets to liver and spine. I know the pain is intolerable. My husband was 49. I know how your husband feels about Hospice but you may have to begin making some decisions on your own. I also have three grown children who were very supportive and offered a lot of help, but....this can get to the point where you need all the help you can get. Hospice will have all the meds you need sent to your door. Believe me, there are times things will happen and you cannot get a doctor or pharmacy in the middle of the night. If Bill is in and out mentally, it could be from the pain meds or it could be the stage of the cancer. In my opinion, you should go ahead and schedule Hospice. My Dennis was never really aware of exactly who they were...just that the nurse was a nurse! I too was hesitant about making that call...but it was one of the best decisions I made regarding Dennis's care. They have such experience and insight as to what you, Bill and your entire family is going through. Please consider this option. Call your doctor and he can arrange everything. Please hang tough....and try and think of your body and mind's needs. Please PM me if you need to talk. I have walked the exact footsteps you are now walking. I still need help getting through this myself (after one year) but I would love to be here for you! You are in my prayers!

Thank you so much Ricky for creating an area for those of us that are trying to survive the loss of a loved one from this terrible disease. Shirley B had this idea when I spoke to her on the phone last night and I emailed the request to Ricky today!!! Being a wonderful guy...he had this area created in minuted!!!! I know that sometimes it's hard for us to express out true feelings about our losses because we want others to remain upbeat! I think this forum will be "just what the doctor ordered" for so many of us!!!! Once again....THANK YOU RICKY!!!!!

Prayers are on their way up right now!!!! Also sending some good thoughts and positive vibes your way for good measure!!!!!

What part of Florida is your Mom in? I'm in Central Florida, East coast. Hope you can get the warmth...got down in the low 30's here last night! But...this is still a heat wave compared to many parts of the country right now. I think you are doing the right thing by getting away from the "traditional" way of doing things in the past! Good luck with everything. I know this time of year is very hard for you and your family! Keeping you in my prayers!!!!

Such a wonderful testimony to the life of a wonderful man. This is so very beautiful and so well written. It is truly obvious that the words were written from a very loving heart! I wish I had the ability to express my feelings as clearly and lovingly as your neice has done in honor of her papa!

Please let your friend know that she is in our thoughts and prayers. Please encourage her to join us on the board when she feels the time is right. Talking and listening to others that have suffered similar experiences is a very good healing aid.

My prayers are with both you and Lucie, Don. Miracles can and do happen!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know what you are going through at this difficult time. Please take time to take care of yourself, you need your strength. Please remember that you have the members of this board to chat with, should you need to talk. May God bless you!

This is so beautiful!!! Thank you so very much for posting this! You know, I used to take so much for granted...always believing there would be a "next time." No more! I remember every Christmas morning, I would tell my family that we should always be thankful for each other because something could happen and that be our last Christmas together! I said this again on Christmas morning, 2001. I don't know if I took my words to heart or if they were just nice, loving words to say. Little did I know that our family would never have a Christmas together again! I looked back today at pictures of Dennis opening his Christmas presents, 2001. If anyone had told me then that his body was filled with cancer, I would have laughed at them. None of us can ever be sure of tommorrows so we should live each day as if it is our last! Once again....thanks for reminding us to live enough!!!!

Thank you friends for all the words of support. I sit here now, thinking that one year ago was the last night Dennis was alive. I have done much soulsearching during the past few days and I must tell you that although I would give anything for a few minutes with him, I would not bring him back to endure the severe pain and suffering he went through. I must thank God for allowing him to leave this life before the pain was any worse or lasted any longer. I pray every day that a cure can be found for this terrible disease. I feel so burdended right now...so alone...so lost...and so confused. Every breath I take seems to put me back exactly where I was one year ago today. On top of all this, I lost a friend to cancer on Friday. His funeral will be on Wednesday. Also, my good friend's mother suffered a severe stroke two weeks ago. After a few days, she was placed on a respirator before they spoke to her daughter. My friend jumped through hoops for over a week and finally had the respirator turned off today. I know how bad the pain is for everyone dealing with death at this time of the year !!! Please, keep me in your prayers that I will be strong during the next few days. I pray that I will sleep during the night (thank goodness for Ambien). You all have no idea how helpful you have been . You are very loved and appreciated! Thanks so much!!!

Anne...So sorry to learn of your mother's passing. Please have comfort in knowing that you were there for here during these difficult days. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless!

Some really great lessons to be learned from these words. Thanks for taking the time to share all of these!!!

Just a brief note to thank everyone for all your recent words of love and support! The days are long right now but the nights are even longer...and dark!!! I still lose my breath when I think of Monday (1st anniversary of Dennis's death) and how I will get through it. I'm reliving everything now, as if it happened yesterday rather than one year ago. Everyone is in my thoughts and prayers. What would we ever do without each other????

I am so glad you have been chatting with Shirley. She is a good listener and also has some very good advise. I have also been very down lately, as I lost my Dennis one year ago on the 15th of December. I had been chatting with Shirley and finally called her on the telephone yesterday morning. It was so good to hear a voice of someone who has been through the same sorrows! We have all been very worried about you. I know it must be very hard for you, as you and Richard were each others best friends! I 'm not really a great one one advice but I will not tell you to "get over it" nor "to go on with life." I know those words come very easy but are so hard to do. Please know that we are one big family and are there for each other. The oceans may seperate us but our hearts are right there with you! If you ever need to talk, I am ready to listen. Like I said, I'm not the greatest with advice, as I am still searching for so many answers myself. The main advice I can give is to...TALK!!! Talk as much as possible. If you don't have close friends willing to listen...then by all means talk to us!!! You said you have no close friends....WRONG!!! We are all connected by deep bonds that go very deep!!! We are your friends!!!! You are in my thoughts!!!!

Jason...So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. Hope you will find some comfort in knowing so many people here care for you and are keeping you and your family in their prayers.

Thanks so much for posting this. I think this time of year is so very hard on so many of us and we need something just like this to uplift us and really make us realize how much we can do and be thankful for. It's very easy to forget to be positive when engulfed withed so much sorrow! Thank you so very much !

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story, Don. Not lone before Dennis became ill, I had a wonderful new friend come into my life. Her mother had died of lung cancer years ago, when my friend was just a teenager. I have no idea how I would have coped with Dennis's illness and death without her. I have said to her so many times that God sent her in my direction to help me through all this sorrow. Please remember me in your prayers.

So very saddened by the loss of this wonderful man. I just responded to his message yesterday. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the children during this difficult time. I lost my husband last December 15th so I know how hard it is to suffer a loss at this time of year.

So sorry that you are dealing with this at this time of the year. Your posting sounded like an echo of what my days were like just about one year ago to the exact date. Yes, I believe you have made the right decision, especially if you discussed it with your Mom previously. There comes a time when we realize that all fights have been fought and all weapons have been used. I know how hard this must be on you and your family. Thank goodness for Hospice and their help and care. Please let me know if you would like to talk. Reading your post seemed like and echo of things I lived through! God bless you and your Mom. You are in my prayers.

So sorry to hear of your loss, Kelly. Many of us here have experienced loss of a loved one to this horrible disease. This wonderful group of understanding people have helped me so much since my husband's death nearly a year ago. Someone is always here to listen when you need an ear, give advice when you need a voice and always give hugs when you need love!

Hope you're feeling better after the fluids. Getting fluids always seems to help. Do you have snow in St. Louis? That could make getting to the hospital really fun! I'm in Florida and haven't driven in snow since leaving Tennessee in 1984. I would be terrified to frive on snow now. Glad you can chuckle about the pain meds. They can make you do and say really funny things. Hope today is a good one for you. I have you in my thoughts and on my prayer list!!!