Ann

I believe in life after death now more than ever in my life. I have always believed the teachings of the Bible and was raised to believe there was certainly a God and also a heaven. There have been many times in my life that my faith has waived and I have questioned many things I was taught to believe. During Dennis's illness, I questioned everything. I knew I had to believe in God, but wondered what kind of God could do this to my family. I bargained with God. I tried to "deal" with Him and make promises if He would only grant me one miracle and heal Dennis. I begged him to take me and spare Dennis. Of course, God had his own plan, which I still don't understand. Now...about life after death. I know that Dennis is "alive" somewhere. There have been so many times I have been able to feel his presence. At times, I believe I can even look in the area of the room where he is. There are times when I am driving in the car I know he is there with me. Many of you will think I'm "over the edge" but the things I am saying are true! There have been occasions where an actual unseen physical presence has been here in my house. I had gone to the car one day and when I got outside I realized I had forgotten something. I unlocked the door, walked into the house and Dennis's chair was rocking away! It stopped as soon as I entered the room. My friend and I were here wrapping Christmas presents night before last. We were chatting away and all of a sudden the piano began playing...not a melody...just keys being hit. We both heard this. The piano was in a room with the door closed. So...I believe! Some of you may not agree with nor believe such things can happen. Neither did I until I experienced them first hand.

Sorry for the terrible job on the above post. I meant to say....as Katie did when her Dad passed. So sorry!

Just wanted to pop in and see how everyone is doing. I know this time of the year is so very hard for so many of us! As you know, I am approaching the one year anniversary of Dennis's death. I just cannot believe a year has passed. In one way, it seems I have been without him forever but on the other hand all the hurt feels so fresh and still new. I ma working on writing the memorial for the newspaper and have started and stopped dozens of times. I just can't put my feelings in words regarding the most wonderful man I have ever known. I have finally asked my son to write the memorial. He has a beautiful way with words and also wrote his Dad's obituary. i am thinking of adding a short message regarding smoking and lung cancer and adding some statistics, such as Katie did when he passed. What do you think? I think reading a memorial and knowing cigarettes contributed to the young man's death might help someone to stop smoking. Please remember me in your prayers that God will help me through the upcoming days!!! Love to all!

Just 11 more days will mark the one year anniversary of Dennis's death! I am so lost and seem to be thinking about him as much right now as I did just after his death! I know how everyone here feels! I just feel so lost and even after this long period, I still think of things I want to tell him about. While Christmas shopping, I see things I would have bought for him. I just pray that God will help us all through this difficult season and ease our suffering a tiny bit! When I think of how I am going to make it through December 15th, I feel as if I lose my breath! Peace and love to all of you! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

JUst wanted to let everyone know that I have been reading your posts and remembering everyone in my prayers. I have been having an extremely hard time dealing with Dennis's death. Three weeks from today will mark the 1 year anniversary of his death. For some reason, I can not think of any happy times now, as I have managed to do in the past months from time to time. All that is hitting me now is pain and suffering and remembering! God, the remembering is the worst. Will I ever be able to erase from my mind how sick he was last Thanksgiving? Every time I close my eyes, I relive exactly where I was this time last year! Now, I can almost hear him talking to me. It's as if he's reminding me of things. When I see friends that I haven't seen in months, they don't even mention Dennis. My God, have they forgotten him? It's almost as if he never lived, yet he touched so many lives! I'm now working on the memorial for the newspaper. I must have written and re-written it a thousand times. Now, I finally asked my son to do it for me. All I seem to remember is how he wanted to go to his Mom's for Thanksgiving dinner last year. We practically had to carry him in and out of the car but he did make it. Everyone at that table knew it would be the last big meal together...and it was! I look back and don't know how I did it! I'm not really that strong, so God had to be guiding me every step of the way! Please pray for me that I can survive these next weeks, which will be so hard. I loved Dennis so much and really thought I was doing well with this!!! My heart is broken...all over again!!!!!

So sorry to hear of this terrible news. Each time I read of another friend passing from this board, I get so angry. Someone, somewhere must find a cure for this monster!!! My sincere sympathy for Sue's family and friends.

Dennis had chemo treatments in the same sequence as your Dad with the same results. We were so disappointed, as he had done so well in the beginning with the CPT-11 and Cisplatin. He never seemed to have any major response to the Topetecan. Like you, I think it just managed to hole everything stable for a little while.

You know from the other post how I feel. Everyone has to move with things in their own time. We are different from other people that have lost loved ones. I believe my grief began the day Dennis was diagnosed. When we find a loved one has cancer....especially sclc....we begin the grieving process. Although we hope and pray and believe in miracles, we also read statistics and hear other stories. I can definitely relate to your first trip to the grocery store. I had been hopping in for weeks in an attempt to find something...anything....that Dennis would eat just a bite of. I was always picking up the little puddings and yogurts, as he would manage a bite of these now and then. When I went to the grocery for the first time, I really lost it when I passed that section and didn't buy anything. I cried all throught the store and ended up buying three bottles of wine...that's it...three bottles of wine. My son was with me and felt he needed to make some explanation to the cashier. When he did, she started to cry and gave me a big hug. She had recently lost her husband and remembered her first trip to the grocery.

So sorry to hear about your Dad. I pray that God will give you and your Mom the strength you need for the upcoming days.

I can relate to almost every word of your post, Candy. Dennis would have been high up in the Colorado mountains right now elk hunting. You know...Dennis died in December and in September he was pleading with his oncologist to let him go to Colorado. Together, the oncologist and I thought of about 100 different reasons and fired them back to Dennis. You have no idea now, looking back, how badly I wish I would have just let him go. If he had died there he would have been doing something he really loved. He never was able to hunt after his diagnosis. He was able to go fishing once. I have been through one Christmas without Dennis. He died on the 15th. Last year, we did nothing for Christmas...no tree..no lights...no gifts. None of us could muster up the heart to do anything, knowing his death was so near. I am going to try and make this year very special both for me and the children. Dennis loved the holidays, as you said Hugh did. I think we should do it up really big in their honor. You know Candy....although you and I haven't had cancer....we are the survivors here!!!! Chins up, my friend.

Isn't it funny how holidays and special dates become "markers" for those of us that have lost a loved one? Yesterday was my BD...first one without Dennis. What a strange feeling! Today, Halloween, was a fun day we enjoyed. Dennis always loved seeing the cute little guys all dressd up. The first part of November was the beginning of elk hunting season in Colorado and Dennis so looked forward to that each year. Last year, just about this time marked the "beginning of the end." It was this time that I knew things were not going to be any better and that the downhill spiral had begun. I remember on Thanksgiving (his favorite meal) he was only able to eat two bites of dinner. Even after only two bites, he still complimented his Mom on her great dinner. I'm so sorry to go on with this. I just feel you all understand. Praying for all of us......

So sorry to hear this terrible news! My heart breaks each time a brave warrior falls. May God grant comfort to her family and friends!

So sorry your Dad is having a rough time of it. I know that Dennis had many of the same problems. It seemed that anything that was supposed to fix one problem would aggravate another proble. I do know that the pain meds your Dad is taking can make him very confused and agitated. I feel that the pain meds helped Dennis to take a very rapid downhill turn. He had to have the pain meds, as I could not see him in pain but when on Oxycontin, he had no desire to eat. Of course the lack of nourishment helped things spiral downhill quickly. Please encourage your Dad to talk with his doctor. You and your Dad are in my thoughts and prayers.

I would like to ask each of you to go to this site and submit your name to your legislators, asking them to make it mandatory for insurance companies to allow women to remain in the hospital a minimum of 48 hours following a mastectomy. As it is now, women are being sent home too soon, with drainage tubes still attached. Please help!!! http://www.lifetimetv.com/reallife/bc/p ... ledge.html

Thank you so very much for the Memory Wall. It is such a nice remembrance of all our loved ones that have lost the battle with this terrible disease. Let us all pray that a cure is found before one other person loses the battle!

Thanks for letting us know about Estelle. She is certainly added to my prayer list!!!!

Kathy, my heart just goes out to you. I can all too clearly think back and remember how I felt five days after losing Dennis. There were time I thought I was really going to lose my mind. I would wake up (if I slept) just wondering what was going to get me through the day. I remember like it was yesterday the day that the reality that I would never see Dennis again hit home. That was the night I killed a bottle of wine alone, cranked up the music and danced for hours with Dennis's picture in my arms. One son called my DIL and she came rushing over and spent the night...I finally slept. Please know that you are not alone. Take this time to babble on to your friends. People are glad to listen, as they want to help but don't know what to do. I had an easier time talking to friends than my children, for I felt the need to be strong for them. I could break down and get a lot of things off my chest with friends. I can tell you that it will get better...just when and how I can't tell you. There will just be one day that you find a few hours have passed and you haven't thought of your pain. You may feel guilty for not thinking ...but don't. That is the beginning of healing. I've been working on this for almost a year now and still have absolutely terrible days from time to time. Please email me if you need to chat with someone that's recently been there ! You're in my prayers!!!

Both you and your mom are in my prayers today!!!

What a beautiful obituary! I think Tim's concern for others is remarkable. I think it is wonderful that he was so concerned that others dealing with this disease be comfortable. You remain in my thoughts and prayers!

So glad you are back with us. Glad your friend is doing well. Fortunate he had you to talk some sense into him regarding treatment. Yes, I too know what you mean about people not talking about a deceased loved one. I suppose they feel talking about them will stir up emotions in us and cause pain. If people only knew how important it is to talk about and remember them. Dennis had so many friends and sometimes it would just help so much to sit down with them and remember good times and happy thoughts. I guess people think they're helping us by being silent! Anyway...so glad you're back!

My suggestions are few, as I know how hard this situation is for both of you. Having been there recently, I know it is very important to talk to your spouse about what you are feeling. Dennis never opened up and talked a lot about what he was feeling (physically and mentally). I know that he was trying to be brave for both of us. He always did his best to protect me from everything. I spent my time wondering and worrying about what was on his mind and how he was handling this. I think one of the most important things you can do to ease your husband is to talk...talk...talk!!!

Please accept my sympathy at the loss of your husband. I know, after so many years, how hard this is for you. God will give you the strength to survive this loss and continue on with life. I lost my husband of 26 years last December to sclc so I can relate to the feelings you are now experiencing. Keep coming to this group...there are really great people here that are ready to listen. They have really helped me through some tough times. Please email me if you need to chat!

So sorry to hear this terrible news. I know how you are feeling right now and my heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers! Please let me know if you need to talk.

Dennis was treated with a combination of CPT-11 and cisplatin for the first round of chemo as part of a clinical trial. The results after the first round tests were amazing. Most of the tumors were gone...liver was completely clear. Unfortunately, everything (and more) returned very rapidly and the topetecan (2nd therapy) never triggered a positive response. Like Cindy stated, the trial results from Japan on this drug are quite impressive. Hope it works for you!

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate with where you are right now, having lost my husband December 15th. I all too well remember the feeling of complete and total loss...not able to make any decisions....feeling helpless about everything...and most of all the emptiness. It does get better...not completely ...but some better. I am pretty well back to "normal" at this point, although little things will still trigger strong emotional outbursts from time to time. The best advice I can give is to keep busy. People may tell you to "try and not think about it"...how silly. "IT"...being CANCER...has been such a terrible part of your life that it is impossible not to think about "IT." Also, find some really good people to talk to, and talk often and a lot! This board is a wonderful place to find folks that truly do understand exactly where you are and where you have been. You will be a valuable asset to others that are experiencing the things you have been through. You will help others, which will in turn help you to heal. Pray a lot and remember the good times. Please feel free to email me any time you need to chat.