KarHart

I am dreading all those future anniversaries too. At Ken's memorial service his best friend pointed out a beautiful flower arrangement, a dozen long stemmed roses. He said they were from Ken, he told him to get them for me when the time came. He always gave me roses. I dried 6 of them and dipped them in a glaze, they are next to his picture, I will keep them forever.

So happy to hear your good news, hope it just keeps getting better. Karen H

Just last night my sister in NY was asking when this was going to happen. I told her I thought Nov. I am definately going to try to make it. Hope it is not too cold then, we FL people have a problem with that. I think Frank Lamb would be the perfect candidate, Vietnam Vet and survivor. Will be excited to hear details. Thanks for doing this. Karen H

You both are in my prayers, also. Karen H

Dear Carleen, I am so sorry, I don't know why you and Keith are having to face so much pain and sorrow, especially at such a young age. I guess we just have to wait until it is our time to find out. I know that sometimes I just have a desparate need to be wherever Ken is now. The thought that that will happen someday is what I cling to now. I understand how desperate you are feeling right now. I really believe it was harder on me than Ken when he finally said he was too tired to fight anymore. I had to accept that, but it just tore me up that we were just going to let go of hope, even though the options were extremely limited. You sound so exhausted, I wish there was some way you could get some rest. You are going to need all your strength to help Keith. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, please let me know if there is anything I can do or tell you to help. Karen H

Happy Anniversary, and many, many more. Karen H

Thank you to everyone for all your condolences. I am very grateful to our daughter Laura for posting about Ken for me. It has been a little over 2 weeks now and it still does not seem real. The night he died he was in a coma for most of the day and not really aware before that. I was holding his hand and telling him it was time to go, that the next day was Laura's birthday and he needed to be in heaven looking down on us. Within seconds his eyes opened, rolled up and he was gone. It was so fast, but I was so grateful, it was so hard seeing him those last few hours. I was so afraid he might go on to the next day and did not want Laura to remember her father died on her birthday for the rest of her life. We had a memorial service on the 17th at my mothers house, outside. It was a beautiful service and many of his friends spoke. Our son got up and spoke very movingly about his dad. At that point, I realized that he was no longer a boy, but had become a man. Ken, I know, had to be so proud. At the end there was the military honors, with the marines folding the flag and presenting it to me and taps. Of course that got me crying again. Laura had the idea of ordering Breathe Deep bracelets for the service, so we ordered 50 adults and 10 youths. I was very touched how everyone wanted one. Unfortunately, we did not have enough for everyone. Laura and the baby stayed until last Sat. I am on my own now. Sometimes, I just think, well Ken was often asleep when I got home from work, so this is not really that different. I'll just pretend he is in the other room. It doesn't really work though. My mother and I are going up to her house in the mountains in NC. We have a family burial area there for ashes. My father and his parents are there and that is where I will be someday. We are going to take his ashes up there for burial sometime in May and need to go up and check things out, no one has been there in awhile. We will have another service, he has a lot of family in KY and TN who could not come down, but will be able to come to NC. So, I am just trying to put my life back together. I am back at work. There is so much to do at home. I need to learn all the things Ken wanted to show me how to do, but I wouldn't let him. I kept saying we had plenty of time for him to show me, but we didn't. He always said I was in denial and I realize now he was right. My head might have known, but my heart never accepted it. It is still hard to understand how someone who was a part of my life for more than half my life can be gone. I know it takes a lot of time, I learned that when my father died. I have been on the boards but not posting. I have been praying for everyone, I still feel very connected here and will try to support those who are still fighting this terrible disease. We need to find a way to stop this killer of dreams. Karen H

Hi Sher, My father Ken just died two nights ago, so my family and I can relate to what you are going thru. The freshness of grief is so raw and powerful. My mom (Karen) and I will be keeping you in our prayers. Please go easy on yourself, seek help when you need it, and keep us posted on how you're doing. Hugs, Laura (and Karen)

This is Laura again. My father Ken passed away last night at 7:40pm. We knew it was going to be very soon, probably sometime during the night, but it was still such a shock. He went very peacefully and quickly. He was with family and friends when he passed. I really don't know what else to say right now. I'm not sure when my mom (Karen) will post again, but I will keep an eye on the boards for her for a few days. Thank you all again so very much for your thoughts and prayers. This board is such a blessing for us all, isn't it? We hold you all in our prayers. God's Blessings and Mercy, Laura

Hi, this is Karen and Ken's daughter Laura. It has been a rough week or so for our family. Mom has been busy taking care of Dad, and she is amazing. Dad has been steadily declining and we are afraid that he may not make it through tonight. Mom called to have the hospice chaplain come over, and he baptized Dad. It was a moment that brought us all peace, especially Mom. I'll let her tell you all about things in more detail, I just wanted to post a quick update. Thank you all so much for your caring and prayers, and especially for being a support for my mother. We are keeping you and yours in our prayers as well. God's peace to you all. Laura H

I really needed to see some good news. i am so happy for you. Karen H

Ken is getting progressively weaker. The worst thing is the mental confusion. It is very difficult for me to get any medication in him. He always says he already took it. The other morning he looked absolutely terrified of me when I tried to get him to take some anit-nauseau medicine. He said I gave it to him 4 times already. It just broke my heart. Hospice wants me to double his dose of the long lasting morhine. Problem is he refuses to take any morphine at all now. The only thing he will take is the oxycodone so I am doubling the dosage on it. I do have liquid morphine and sometimes he will take it. I am thinking about trying to put it in a drink, but he does not drink much. He has gotten so weak today. His speech has really gotten difficult to understand, and when I can understand him it does not make much sense. This is so incredibly difficult. My mother is with him now, I just ran into the office briefly. I called our daughter in WY to come back soon, maybe Sat. I have a lot of support and help but I just was not prepared for how painful this is. He is just wasting away before my eyes. Continued prayers are needed. Thank you. Karen H

First, thank you everyone for your prayers and well wishes. I am in the office briefly and have a quick ? Ken has been complaining of intense pain in the back of his right calf. This has been going on for several days. I am worried that it may be a bone met but don't know much about this. I am able to keep it fairly well under control with his pain meds, but he is having bouts of extreme confusion and is resistant to taking medication some times. I know radiation is used for bone mets but I don't think this would be an option for him. I will try to get on my computer at home tonight. Thanks for any input. Karen H

Oh Sue, I am so sorry. I was so hoping you and Mike would have more time together. This is just such a sad time, I hope you and your family find peace. Karen H

I would like to take this opportunity to again remind all Vietnam veterans and their families about the Agent Orange Fund. This fund cover LC and other cancers and conditions. The veteran can receive treatment, get disability compensation and life insurance. There is also a survivor benefit for the spouse. Please contact me by PM if you need more information. Karen H

Too sad for words.

Dear Fay, thank you for coming to say good-bye for now to us. Your wisdom and compassion is going to be sorely missed. I hope you and your family find peace in the coming days. Karen H

Last night I woke up dreaming about a liver transplant for Ken. It took me a long time to get back to sleep thinking about it. As soon as I got into work I started doing research and though about calling his Onc. for a recommendation. Fortunately, I was able to bring myself to a halt, but it was so hard. I know it is impossible for a number of reasons (shortage of donors, type blood B-, not primary liver cancer). It is just really hard because I know if he could just start with a new liver we could have a fighting chance again. His lungs have remained stable for 8 months, no brain or bone mets. If there was an unlimited supply of donor livers I would try to pursue it. It is just so damn hard to give up. He got 2 units of blood at hospice yesterday, I hope this will give him a boost in the energy department. I had to take him to the center which is in the hospital where this all started 16 months ago. When I went back to pick him up this song was playing on the radio "Remember When" and I just started crying uncotrollably. Had to sit in the parking lot till I got under control and all the tears dried up. I haven't done that very much and I know it means I am getting really scared. On the surface I know I look like I am doing just fine, but I know I am not. I have to keep it all together though, just too much to take care of right now. I will have all the time in the world to fall apart later. Karen H

New babies are so great. Nothing in the world makes me feel better than holding my little grandson. Not much makes Ken smile anymore, but baby Ryan does! I think granddads always have a soft spot for baby girls, I know my dad did. Hope Alan gets a lot of happy time with the baby. Karen H

Sue, I am so sorry. It is terrible to see someone you love suffering. I know what a scary time it is right now, I will continue to pray for you and Mike. Karen H

I am sure it will be a beautiful garden, reflecting the beautiful person Leslie was. She was so special to all of us. Karen H

Thank you to Ann for posting for me (and flowers too!) It has been so up and down. The other night I was worried that Ken might not even last long enough for all the family visits coming up. He was running a fever again, very weak and unsteady, muscle tremors, confusion. Then yesterday he got up early, clear minded (more or less), moving easily. So then I think "well, maybe it will be a couple of months, not weeks." The hospice nurse and doctor came yesterday. I didn't say anything about the mental confusion issues cause I knew it would make Ken mad. He really just isn't aware of how strange he behaves sometimes and I found it just aggravates him if I mention it when he is lucid so I've decided to just not make an issue of it and go with the flow. The biggest problem is when I bring him his pills twice a day and he insists I already gave them to him. I have to argue with him every time to get him to take them. The doctor and nurse both told me to stop pushing him to eat. I admit I have been nagging him, it just scares me since I know the dying process includes stopping eating. He has really eaten very little in the last 5 days. He did drink some Boost and last night he did eat some dinner. I promised I wouldn't push him anymore and I think that may be why he made more of an effort last night. Today, the nurse is coming to draw blood and tomorrow I am taking him to the hospital to get blood. This is because he is so anemic. Hopefully, it will give him a little more energy to face all the family coming in. Extreme fatigue is one of the hallmarks of liver failure so it may not do much good, but it can't hurt. Our daughter and the baby are coming today. For me that is the best medicine. The baby is pure joy. His oldest son is coming Friday, and his other daughter and her family on Sat. One of his sisters and her daughter are flying in next Thurs. from KY. They are going to fly in and out the same day. His sister has never flown and I am just so touched she is going to so much effort to see him one more time. I have no idea how much time we have left. Like I said some days it seems like it may be really soon, then other days I get my hopes up for longer. I feel that we have been incredibly blessed that so far he has not had any really bad symptoms. He doesn't feel great, but he is not in pain and has not had any relevant health issues (if you can say that about anyone dying). He is just slowly fading away. All the prayers are working, that's the way I see it. It is so touching how many people here and other places are including him in their prayers. Thank you. He even asked to see the chaplin. He came yesterday, I wasn't there, but I am sure he will come again. That gave a lot of comfort to our daughter. So please keep those prayers and good thoughts coming and know that I continue to pray for all of you. Karen H

Fay, you are already memoralized in our hearts. Thank you for being such a giving, wonderful, helpful freind to all of us. With love, Karen H

Fay, so very happy you are home. Hope we hear from you a lot, but know you need to take it easy. You are always in my prayers. Karen H

I cancelled going to Miami to check on a clinical trial due to Ken's bloodwork done in the ER on Sat. His bilirubin was at 2.6, for the trial it had to be under 1.5. O.K. so on Friday we had gone to the GP doctor just to get established with him again. He ordered blood work and I got the results late yesterday. On Friday's test his bilirubin was 1.2! On Saturdays test his liver enzymes were way, way up. Look at Friday's and they are less than half of Sat. How could things more than double overnight? Especially, when they said they could not find out what was causing his fever. I feel that even though I told them he had multiple liver tumors, once they saw the scan they just automatically assumed that was the problem. Just because you have cancer doesn't mean something else can't be wrong. Anyway, I called his GP's office and explained all this and asked to have blood work done again, so they are faxing an order. It is just so frustrating. Has anyone had blood work change so dramatically overnight? Moffitt has approached us about a Phase I trial there. It sounds kind of brutal and Ken does not know if he wants to do it. It would require a lot of trips over to Tampa. I told him it was his decision, but it was really hard for me to give up when there was still something to try. I know the Dr. over at Moffitt would not recommend the trial if he thought Ken was on the verge of death. Of course I told Ken I would support whatever he decides. I am really hoping the blood work today will be back down. He did have a small fever again last night. His blood work on Friday was not to bad considering, but Sat's. was scary. Sorry to go on so long, just really bewildered. Karen H