Kathleen1

Mom died 3 months ago today. They found mets to the brain the end of May. She finished WBR on June 7th. What I want to know is why they didn't do a brain scan for mets to the brain prior to symptoms showing up. I see so many of you and your loved ones seem to get MRI's checking for this. Our oncology dept. said they only check when symptoms are present. That it wouldn't make a difference in treatment. I am from Madison WI where we supposedly have excellent health care. My opinion is if we had found the mets sooner, her primary tumor would have been smaller than it was. They didn't want to do surgery due to the location of the primary and due to her age. I am going thru the "what ifs" again. I remember calling in April asking about an MRI. First of all I was told by the nurse that it wasn't as common for mets in the brain with NSCLC rather it was more common with SCLC. I don't think this is true. So why didn't they keep an eye on this? why weren't they looking if it is so common? Why didn't I insist on a brain scan? Why didn't I know more? Does anyone have any answers for me?

I am not the most active person on this board. But I have to tell you all how much you have helped me. Thru Mom's diagnosis and passing. All of it. When she was first diagnosed I, As we all do started searching the web for anything about Lung Cancer. Lucky for me one of the first sights I stumbled upon was this one. I don't know how I would have managed the past year plus, without all of you. You have offered comfort and encouragement. You understand how people are feeling at every stage of the game and you offer knowledge and experience. What a blessing! As I reflect back on the past 15 or so months I think about all of you and I think of those who are no longer with us and it makes me sad. I never even knew these people yet I miss them and think of them often. Lucy Wood, Leslie221, TAnn and I know there are others I am missing, but I include them in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that they are in a wonderful place where this hiddeious disease doesn't exist and there is no pain. I pray that they know we still miss them and that we are thankful that we had a chance to know them even if it was only through a keyboard and screen. I don't know if this makes any sense but I just wanted to remember all that have left us, and all that are still here and to say "Thank You". k

My sympathies, Ellie. I am so very sorry for your loss and am thinking of you at this difficult time. k

I LOVE the quilt idea. I had thought of that for my Mom's clothing and fabrics. Another really cool way of keeping things is to make a collage or shadow box. My husband's father passed away 4 years ago. My husband's brohter made the coolest shadow box I have ever seen. It is a large vintage window and it contains fishing lures, shell boxes, hunting equipment, a jacket, binoculars, keys, duck calls, etc. anything and everything that all belonged to their father. We display it proudly in our living room and remember him and all the things he so loved to do. In turn, I have some old windows from a family cabin. I am making a shadow box or two for Mom. With her cross stitches, nurses memorabilia from all her years of nursing, pictures, her nurses badge, name plate, diploma etc. i also have many of the things I gave her over the years or old school things of mine that she saved, cards etc. I have a group of those stackable boxes that stack inside of each other. They are decorative and hold many of the things she saved, each box is gradually bigger and it made it easy to organize and still disply nicely. I'm a packrat like Mom and it is too hard for me to throw anything of hers away. Its a way of hanging on to her. and I agree, your future children will love to see your things from your childhood. Here is an idea. Why don't you frame a few of your things or make a shadow box for your wife for an extra sentimental gift? I would love something like that from my husband! I found a drawing of my brothers that mom had saved. I wrapped it up and gave it to my brother's wife. She treasures it. Good luck and I agree, don't get rid of anything too soon. Give yourself time. k

Be there for your sister, your BIL and for yourself. you won't regret it. You don't have to say anything, she will know and you will know. Hold her hand. Tell her how much you love her and why. when my mom was dying I played her favorite music, I talked to her, I laid on the bed with her. I told her I loved her over and over. I rubbed lotion on her hands and legs. Read to her. I am praying for you and your sister during this sad time. Praying for strength and courage for you and peace for your sister. k

I would like to chime in too. Don you are a "Rock" for this group. Many thanks and a very Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Honey, I remember all too well August 2005 feeling the same way you do. Crying all the time, worrying about being strong for Mom. Two of the most helpful things that were said to me were as follows: 1) Don't mourn ahead of time. there will be plenty of time for that later. Enjoy the time NOW. 2) Its ok to cry in front of your loved one. In my case it was my Mom. Someone told me to go ahead and cry in front of her. "She is your Mom and let her be just that". So I did. I bawled like a three year old in front of Mom and I vowed to do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I could from that moment on to get her through it. It was ok to let her know I was scared. She was stronger than I was. But it helped. It relieved the pressure of holding it in and faking "strength". After that I was able to be more normal around Mom and not fall apart as much. You will find your way and you will be wonderful. Now have the best Thanksgiving EVER! Love your Dad up for every minute you have. Everyone is right anyone of us could be gone by this afternoon. We just never know. Take this time to do all the things you want to do before its too late. When a loved one dies from a sudden car crash you have no option for that. The only positive from an illness like this is you get that time to say everything that is in your heart. I will be praying for you and your Dad for peace, strength and courage during this difficult time. k

I am so sorry for your loss. You gave your Mom a wonderful gift. Being there with her at the end. Being with her as she starts her next journey. What a wonderful gift. I have to tell you how lucky I think you are that your Mom was able to tell you that the wash cloth you put on her felt good and that she could tell you she was dying. I too was with my Mom through the end but unfortunately she never said anything for the 4 days before she passed. You were lucky to have such a wonderful Mom and she was lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Please take good care of yourself during this difficult time. We are here for you and so very glad you shared your sweet story. Hugs, k

Dear kat, I am so very sorry for your losses. To lose both parents so close together is more than anyone should have to endure. I lost my Mom 10 weeks ago tomorrow. Since then my father 85 has been fighting pneumonia and heart break. I have been petrified at the loss of losing him too. I can only imagine how much you are hurting. Please share your feelings here. It helps so much and everyone here really does care. I am praying for comfort and peace during this difficult time. I'm so so sorry you are hurting. kate

Hi Nick, I'm sorry you are feeling so alone today. I have those moments several times a day. I will whail in my car "I miss my Mom, I miss my Mom!!!" I too want to talk to her. I miss calling her and hearing her cheerful voice. She was one person who was always happy to hear from me. I feel your pain. It was 9 weeks ago yesterday. Please don't let your Dad's attitude get to you. Sounds like he has issues of his own. I had to deal with my sister during Mom's death. There's one in every crowd to make things difficult. Anyway, I guess my real point is you are not alone. Many of us are struggling with the loss of a parent and we feel your pain. Please vent anytime. I am hoping for relief from your sadness soon. It comes in waves. Some days I am sooo good and then the next I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Hang in there! k

Sarah, I'm so sorry you lost your Mom. You came to the right place. Unfortunately, several of us have lost a parent recently, so you are not alone. I lost my Mom and Best friend on August 30th, 2006. Two months ago today. I can understand you're not being able to believe it. I still think "how can she be gone? I don't believe it" and I was there to witness it!! One of the hardest things for me is that life does keep on keeping on. I have had a hard time accepting this. I want time to stand still so she doesn't get farther away from me. Nick from here said a cool thing a couple weeks ago....maybe instead of her being further away, she is getting closer all the time...one day closer to seeing her again. That helped a lot. Was your Mom on Hospice by chance? If so, they offer free bereavement counseling to family. I went for my first time two weeks ago. Did it ever help! We are here for you. We all know the shock and the pain associated with this horrible disease. Lean on us, we can take it! Thinking of you, Kathleen

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this scare now. BUT, my advice.....my Dad is very independent, usually says "let's not get excited" etc etc. He is all I have left. I have a new motto and it goes like this "its easier to just do it and ask for forgiveness later" I can go back and forth with my Dad and I've learned to just take the iniative. He always gets over it and we all feel better. Get that appointment moved up! And if you have to say, that the doctors office called and said they had a cancellation and would you like an earlier appt? You will rest better not having to wait another month........... Good luck and I am praying for nothing serious and thinking of you!

John, so sorry for your loss. What you wrote was beautiful. You have me crying now and missing my Mom so very much. Your Mom was very lucky to have you. Sounds like you shared wonderful memories together and you will always have those to reflect on. Your Mom is with you, every step of the way. Wishing you comfort and peace.

So very sorry Lynda. You are in my prayers. please write anytime. You are not alone. Praying for peace and comfort for you.

I'm sorry for your pain. I am missing my Mom too. She left 8 weeks ago yesterday. I wouldn't want her in pain anymore either, but I would give anything for one more conversation. One more look at her, one more smile. I wish you didn't have to be feeling this way. I'm sorry you lost both of your parents, I'm just sorry. My Dad was in the hospital for the second time in two months with lung related problems - not lung cancer but severe asthma. Scared of losing him too - terrified. I can only pretend to imagine how you are feeling. I think in time it will get easier, but it will take a long hard time. Please write to me if you just want to swap feelings. I am thinking of you and wishing you better feelings and days. k

I'm so sorry. In my opinion your stepfather is one, insecure and two insensitive. I know it is hard for men to be alone, but from posts I've read from you before I have always gotten the impression that your stepfather does not think of others. I'm sorry he made you feel bad. You know who your Mother was and I think you should feel fortunate that you were not invited to the new marriage. Too bad he felt it necessary to point that out. As my Mother would say when someone would do something thoughtless "consider the source". I am sorry you are hurting. Just consider it that he is not a whole person or he wouldn't have to behave like this. You are a whole person and you will get thru this. thinking of you

Nick, I'm sorry for your loss. I too was very numb. I am a crier. Total water works. BUT, I barely shed a tear at Mom's memorial service. I don't think I hardly cried the day she died. I too was numb. In disbelief. I cried so much when she was diagnosed. Like it would never end. When the mets to her brain were discovered I seriously thought I was dying. My chest was tight I sobbed and couldn't catch my breath. When she died I couldn't cry. I couldn't cry at her service and I wanted to. A few weeks went by and it hit. I think it just hits us when it hits us like someone else said. Its been 7 weeks and two days now. The past two weeks I have cried until I thought I couldn't possibly cry anymore. I think its like the ocean. It comes in waves. I found myself laughing soon after her death and then stopping to think " how can you possibly laugh???" But Mom would want me to laugh and so would your Mom. Take it as it comes and know its ok to just be however you are feeling. k

Dear Beth, I too am sorry for your sadness and grief. You did the right thing in posting here. This is a place where we can all get support from those who truly understand. You also have done the right thing in getting professional help. It is so reassuring to have someone objective to talk to, someone with experience and who can explain to us what we are feeling when we don't even know. I began grief counseling through Hospice this week and my meeting was 2 hours. It helped and I will continue to go. Please know you can always reach out here and receive support, encouragement and understanding. You will survive! Do some nice things for YOU. Get a massage, or manicure, pedicure or anything that works for you. Be good to yourself! I am sending you prayers for peace, strength and comfort. k

It never ocurred to me that maybe it is one day closer to a reunion with her.....thanks Doesn't it help to hear words from others that could come out of our mouths????? It really does. I have had this huge feeling of aloneness even though I am surrounded by people I love. When I am here I do not feel that, quite the opposite. Thank you everyone. OMG, the comment about driving away from an object and watching it get smaller is so accurate! That is just how I feel. Last night my husband said "but you have all your memories so she is still with you". True, but as I said over the years what if the memories fade away? What if I forget something? I can't bare the thought of her presence fading away..... I feel this need to hold onto every conversation, every card, momento. ha ha.....talk about changing the topic but the day after Mom died, when my sister arrived (who by the way chose not to come home in time to see Mom and who did not want to see her afterward for closure - but she'll have to deal with that in her own way) anyway, my sister the day after Mom passed threw Mom's teeth away (Mom was cremated)............I made her pull them out of the trash. The little yellow cup they are stored in remains on the sink where it always did............ ok, now I'm sounding crazy!!!! I love you guys, you help so much. I know I don't always write consistently, but I do read your posts and think of everyone and pray for their comfort and strength.

I don't think grief equals regret. Sure maybe its one piece of the grief puzzle, but its not the biggest piece. I regret that maybe we didn't act as quickly to find out why Mom was so tired all the time, maybe if we had found the cancer sooner. But my grief is that I miss her entire existence. I miss being able to call her, talk to her, laugh with her, lean on her. My grief is that everyday I feel I get that much further from her. I want time to stand still so that its only 7 weeks since I last touched her hand...........I don't want it to become 10 years or 20 years. I can't bare it.

Thank you for your responses. I felt a need to rant and rave and so glad I could come here to do that. Friends and family want to help but they don't get it. NICK, telling me you 'get it' gave me a great deal of peace. I'm sorry for your loss just 12 days ago. I have so many questions. So many. Like the morphine. Did we start it too soon? After we gave it to her the very first time she went to sleep and never woke again. Did we dehydrate her by giving her the morphine which made her sleep? Watching her for three days without eating or drinking or waking was killer. I wanted to bring her back. I wanted to make her better. Dad and I tried everything. We thought if we took good enough care of her this wouldn't happen. It is the ultimate feeling of defeat. I am not whole. How will I get over this and be a good wife and stepmom? How does anyone get over this? I mean, my Mom lived a good long life and it hurts like crazy. I can't imagine losing her earlier, say at age 56 Like Nick's Mom. I feel guilt for being so grief stricken. People say "but she lived a long life, she is in a better place". Logically I know all this, but try making my heart understand. Thank you for "getting it". I guess thats why this place is so special. I pray all of us here will find hope and strength and comfort. It helps knowing I'm not alone.

Tomorrow it will be 7 weeks since I lost my Mom. My best friend. Everyone says it gets worse before it gets better. Dam, if they weren't right! I am soo sad. I'm a newlywed and I am so sad about my Mom that I am doing a poor job of being a happy new bride. Yes, I have some happy times, but this overwhelming looming feeling of loss hovers around me most of the time. I miss my Mom. I say those words a thousand times a day. I am tired all of the time. I worry so about my Dad who lost his wife of almost 61 years. I have so many questions going thru my mind. 1) why didn't they find the cancer sooner? she had been going to the doctor frequently complaining of fatigue for probably 2 years before diagnosis of the bladder cancer. Finally we found her a doctor that specialized in Geriatrics. I had begun doing some research and learned about being on hormones for a prolonged period of time. DO YOU KNOW THEY HAD MY MOTHER ON HORMONES AND SHE WAS 82 YEARS OF AGE? I inquired when we started with the new doctor and they took her off immediately. 2) Her previous doctor had prescribed anti depressants. My mother was the least depressed person I have ever encountered. She was not depressed, she was fatigued! 3) I have questions about her last moments before death. Hospice was wonderful, but they and everyone else told of how peaceful it would be when she passed. When she past I felt nothing but emptyness. I keep waiting for a sign from her. Her last hours were less than peaceful. The morphine had her so out of it. And I won't got into detail about the last hour of her life but it was not pretty. I thought she would just drift off. It was not like that. I asked if she was seizuring and Hospice said no. They seemed to skim over it. I want to know. I heard the Hospice CNA call the nurse and tell her that she had not witnessed this certain thing before. All the nurse told me was that its different for everyone. I guess if someone wants to write to me and explain what they have experienced I would welcome it. I don't want to give gory details and offend anyone. But I felt traumatized afterwards. I promised my Mom I would be there until the end for her and I was. I would do it again in a second. Just wish I had been more prepared. I wish I had felt more peace, felt her spirit hover over me. Felt anything. 4) How will I live the rest of my life without this wonderful woman by my side? How can I never hold her hand, or hear her voice. She was the one person I could always go to - to listen and help me. I have other people but the one I need is her. And this is about her and she is gone. My father and I are heartbroken. yes she was 85 years old. But she never for a moment seemed old to me. She was funny, and loving and a good person. I am rambling again. I am starting grief counseling tonight. I hope it helps. I feel sorry for my new husband and his daughters. I am not myself these days. I try, but I feel as though I have literally lost 50% of my being. Thanks for listening.