Leslie

Julia-- I am deeply saddened to hear this news. My heart and thoughts are with you. Aaron was truly someone special and he was lucky to have found a partner like you. Leslie

Carrie-- My heart goes out to you. As others have said, this part is really hard. When my dad passed away, my mom, brother, and I were with him. We spent a lot of time in the last few hours telling him that it was okay to go and that we loved him. He died with us telling him that we loved him.... As Bobbie said, the important thing at this point is to make her comfortable and to be there. My thoughts are with you and your family. You WILL get through this. Best, Leslie

Barbb-- I can really relate to your post. There are some days that I find it physically exhausting just to get out of my bed and hold my head up...other days I feel strong and more in control...and other days I find that I am just numb to everything. I find that I have to just let go and let myself experience these feelings. I guess this is what people mean when they say you have to go through the grieving process, no way to go around it. My thoughts are with you. Leslie

Hi Dana-- I'm so sorry that you and your mom are having to go through this. My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Hi Snappy-- When my dad was having WBR and later chemo, we found that his tastes would change pretty quickly from one day to another. One day crackers tasted good, the next day they did not...he said it was texture more than anything that bothered him. Overall the things that seemed to work most consistently for him were: Ensure (had to be served cold); ice cream; matzo ball soup; and (sort of weirdly because he hadn't been a big fan before) chicken salad. While he was in chemo though, food was always a struggle. My thoughts are with you. Leslie

Stephanie-- I hope that you are finding some peace today...I have read many of your posts. You sound so strong--I would imagine your dad would be very proud of you. My thoughts are with you. Leslie

Hi Meg-- I know how scary this all must seem. I just want you to know that nodules can be lots of things--not just cancer...for example, there is a condition called sarcadosis that also produces nodules in the lungs. There is so much uncertainty before you get the biopsy--and I know it is almost impossible to avoid going through all the "what ifs". Try--if at all possible--not to get ahead of yourself. If it turns out to be cancer, there are many treatments available and your brother will have many options to choose from. The important thing, at this point, is that his doctors are on top of it--and he is having all the right tests peformed. And if it is cancer, you've come to the right place for support and information. My thoughts are with you, your brother, and your family. Best, Leslie

Terri-- As Ned just said, I love your posts. Bill was an incredible man...And his strength was and is remarkable. As is yours. On a different note, I find myself reading these posts from January 2007 and I am struck by where my family was at this point last year. So unaware that everything we knew to be true--and everything we cherished was about to be taken from us just 3 short months later. My god. It is so painful to think about. My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Val, I am totally offended by that letter...the implication is that anyone still grieving after two years isn't strong...that is a hurtful, offensive statement. And the fact that it is made by someone who hasn't lost a parent, just adds insult to injury! What the heck does it mean to be " the type of person who moves on" anyways? Does it mean not thinking about your loved one every day? Does it mean not expressing your feelings of sadness and grief? It is simply such an outrageous note--I feel like writing your church a letter (kidding!). As Katie said, we are like amputees. We will learn to walk again--but we will never stop missing the lost limb. Best, Leslie

Sheri-- I do not believe in afterlife either--but I am finding that death is more complicated than nothingness... I don't think that my dad is living on in some afterworld--but I do feel him living on within me. I hear his voice in my head. I find myself thinking about how he might handle a situation--or what he would say to me if I told him about certain things in my life. When my mom, brother, and I are together we imagine how he would respond to certain things and all of the funny things he said and did. He still makes us laugh. I miss him desperately. He's definitely not here anymore. But it's not quite nothingness either.... I wish you peace and strength today. Best, Leslie

Carrie-- It is way too much. I am really sorry that you are going through this. My thoughts are with you and your family. Best, Leslie

Hi Teri-- Good for you for trying something new. The class sounds really interesting. I don't know if what I'm doing is "faking it"--but I have noticed that I avoid certain topics in conversation lately. Things that make me feel really sad about my dad...And I often talk about my dad in the present tense...and talk about "my parents" (notice the plural...)...This is all very strange for me because I've always prided myself on being very open about everything--and willing to talk about anything going on in my life...and being honest with myself. But I'm not sure if that's "faking it" or denial or self-protection...but whatever it is, it's making it possible to get by right now...so perhaps the best thing is not to judge right now, and just to observe... As I've read your posts, I'm always so struck by your courage, your honesty with yourself, and your self-awareness. So, whatever you're doing right now, it must be okay. Just my thoughts. Best, Leslie

Hi Mike-- I can certainly understand your concerns--but I think you really have to give yourself a break. Throughout this journey, I have simply been amazed to find that medicine really is "an art, not a science", especially when it comes to treating Stage IV lung cancer. It seems like a lot of what happens is trial and error...doctors just don't know if Carbo/Gemzar is best to start with or Carbo/Taxol is better...so you do the best you can with the information you've got. I know that sounds really scary when the stakes are so high...but this was really what I learned from my experience. So, please be gentle with yourself. I wish you strength. Best, Leslie

Christine-- It is so hard--I can really relate to what you are saying. The sadness, the anger...the sense of confusion that all this happened... I wish you peace and strength in the coming days. Best, Leslie

Oh Cat-- I am so sorry to hear this but I know that you and your sister will keep fighting. There are a lot of good Plan Bs out there...I know you guys will find the right one. My thoughts are with you and your family. Best, Leslie

Stephanie-- I am so sorry to hear this new. You guys were so brave and fought so hard. My thoughts are with you and your family. Best, Leslie

Nick, Michele, Tina, and Teri-- Thank you very much for your thoughtful posts. There are few things that actually help when you are having dark days--but knowing that others have traveled this path before, and managed to find some peace, certainly does help. I suppose this is just a learning process....learning how to deal with grief, learning about who I am without my dad in this world, learning how to be strong enough to feel my emotions without letting them completely take over... Sure wish that none of us had to go through this. Thanks again, Leslie

Stephanie-- I am really sorry to hear that you are at this point. I have followed you and your mom for quite some time. You both have been so strong and so brave for all of these months. I am sending you all of my strength for the coming days. My thoughts are with you and your mom. Best, Leslie

I just realized that I addressed my post to Beverly--instead of Bobby. Stupid mistake--I'm sorry. But Bobby, one last thing...I do find that through my dreams I am able to process some of the really hard things that happened while my dad was sick...some of those moment that made me just want to lay down on the floor and cry...but I couldn't because my dad was sick and I needed to stay strong. I am finding that my dreams are forcing me to sit with some of the more excruciating moments of my dad's illness--and make peace with them....so that they don't have quite the same power over me that they did before. Sorry for my stupid mistake. Leslie

Katie, Kelly, and Leslie, Thank you so much for your kind replies. I have literally been in a fog these past few days---my sadness has just felt like it was crushing me. Tonight, for the first time in four days, it feels like the fog is lifting a little. Not that I don't feel sad--it just feels a little more manageable. Is this just how grief works? These cycles of going so very low and then coming back up again? And is there any way to manage these lows so that it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart? Thanks again for listening. Leslie

Hi Beverly-- I've definitely been having dreams about my dad. In most of the dreams, he's looked healthy (although somehow in my dream, I've known that he's sick...). For the most part though, I wake up feeling both sad and peaceful--peaceful because I got to be with him in my dream--and of course, sad because I miss him so much. Three days ago, I had a dream and he was sick. We were walking together and I knew he was next to me..but I wasn't focused on him. All of sudden he squeezed my hand really hard--and I knew he was trying to tell me to pay attention to him. And I looked over and I realized he was very sick and walking with eyes closed. The dream basically put me into a downward spiral for the past several days. So, I can certainly relate to what you're saying. Leslie

On Friday it will be 10 weeks and 2 days since my dad died. I am in such a bad place right now. I feel so much anguish, so much sadness, and so much despair. On the one hand, I have moments where I feel still shocked. Like this whole thing is pretty unreal. And at other times, the reality hits and it is just overwhelming. It's like missing a body part. Or being punched in the gut. And I feel like I spend so much time trying to hold it together....and it doesn't feel sustainable. Because this situation is going to continue--that is, my dad is not coming back--and I don't know how much longer I can hold it together and not completely lose it. My dad and I spoke everyday. He was the one who helped me keep things lighter. When I was depressed, he was the one who could say just the right thing to make things feel a little more manageable. And normally, he would be the one to make me see the light in this situation.... Everything just feels hard. I am trying to help and support my mom as she settles everything financially. I am trying to be a good partner in my marriage (which is still pretty new--my husband and I have only been married a year). I am trying to adjust to living in a new city and I am trying to find a new job (because I hate the one I'm in right now.) But I feel like my foundation is gone and I am in free fall. And I don't know when I am going to hit bottom. And I am scared. Because I feel like I am being swallowed by my grief. I have not connected with a therapist yet. Which I know I need to do. I think it just feels good to write it all down and at least "own" and acknowledge these feelings. I know that losing a parent isn't like losing a spouse...but my dad had a such a strong role in my life that the void is enormous. Thanks for listening to me. Best, Leslie

Sheri-- I can really relate to your post tonight. I feel like I am pretty close to losing it myself. For the first six weeks after my dad died, I thought I was handling everything pretty well. I now realize that it was because I was completely in shock--and couldn't really feel anything. But now, 10 weeks later, the feelings are coming and they are so overwhelming. My pendulum swings between feeling rage, overwhelming sadness, and total despair. My poor husband has been wonderful--but I know that I'm pretty hard to be around right now. A million times a day--the thought "My dad is dead"--goes through my head. Each time it does, it's like being punched in the gut. It's like an internal monologue that only has one line. I feel as if I've had part of myself amputated...and all my body can do is fixate on the part that's not there. To make matters worse, like you, I'm in a job that I cannot stand. So stupid...so not where I want to be in my life right now. Not where I thought I would be. But of course, that's how everything feels right now...I feel so disconnected from my life. I feel like my life is going on somewhere else--and somehow I took a wrong turn and got here...I don't know if you remember "Choose Your Own Adventure Books"--but I feel like somehow I chose the wrong page to go to and I can't get back to my story. My dad was my foundation...If I was feeling depressed, my dad was the one that could put me back upright...he always knew the right thing to say..he always believed in me. I miss so many things about him. His kidness, how funny he was, the way he would just take care of things...we seem so vulnerable right now. And I am just so scared. Sheri, I am so sorry to hijack your post...but I was pretty much about to write the same one that you did tonight. I hope tomorrow brings you calm and strength. Best, Leslie

My mom kept all of my dad's medical appointments in her calendar. We also kept track of the various stages of his illness in it. Though we bought a new 2008 one yesterday for her, we are definitely keeping the 2007 one too. Not that we want to be reminded of the past year...but we're not ready to let go of it either. I guess this is just what we need to do right now. Best, Leslie

Linda-- Many thanks for sharing these thoughts. Having just lost my dad 9 weeks ago, I am still in a fog. The roller coaster of emotions pretty overwhelming. Thank you for giving me hope that there may be some light in the months ahead.... Best, Leslie